Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[Luisa27]

...I second what Jacques said...I have 4 DC, but one of my sisters had one DD who is now 15. and loves being an only child.
So I think it’s very different for each family...

[HouseworkIsASin10]

only children tend to be spoilt and find they don't share very well or relate very well to others

Bollocks. My only is the most generous and thoughtful person ever. Totally fits in with everybody and is a pleasure to be around. Had so many comments on how well she was brought up.

I stopped at one due to finances and juggling a full time job.

[AgentCooper]

DH is one of 5 and is the only one who bothers their arse with his elderly, ill parents. So having siblings doesn't guarantee support when parents start to need help.

[user1484167681]

I have a brother who has quite severe learning difficulties (as in, lives in residential care with 24/7 support). I love him so much, but it’s useful to bear in mind that things don’t always work out how we’d like. I’m aware that in the future I may have both my elderly parents and also my brother to look after, and recent health scares in the family really brought that home. With a large (7 year) age gap, I was more like a second mum when we were growing up. I’m glad I’m not an only because I adore my brother, but there seem to be very specific views of how this can play out - onlies who LOVE the peace and quiet, those who want a sibling, siblings who are difficult and don’t get on, etc - and I think one should be mindful that it can work out quite differently. Wouldn’t say it’s selfish personally!

[DeadButDelicious]

My mum is an only and my dad was one of three. They both ended up taking sole care of their elderly parents. My dads oldest brother (the middle brother had sadly passed away, my dad is the youngest) was useless, he left it all to my dad, only showing up after they were gone to see what he was inheriting. Siblings are no guarantee of help with ageing parents.

I have a brother, we are close and on the same page about what to do when our parents get older. My husband has a sister. They aren't close. I suspect they will fall out when it comes time to discuss their parents.

My daughter is technically an only, Her older sister passed away late in pregnancy. It took us over a decade to conceive. And honestly I haven't got it in me to go through all that again. And I definitely haven't got another decade. Sometimes it just isn't possible to give your child siblings. It isn't a given that you'll be able to have as many children as you'd like.

[Aragog]

16y DD manages quote nicely as an only child.

I'm not going to feel guilty for not being able to provide a sibling!


FWIW DD is NOT selfish, she CAN share nicely and she is perfectly lovely! I detest the lazy stereotypes so much - they are utter rubbish is pretty much all cases. They are certainly no more selfish and incapable of sharing than any other child of the same ages!

DD has a wide range of friends, makes friends well, is able to mix with children of all ages and adults alike and she enjoys being sociable. She also enjoys her own space at times and is able to entertain herself as well.

She is a very happy girl and growing into a lovely young woman. She is likely to have a good, close circle of friends and extended family taking her into adulthood.

And bear in mind not all siblings get along. Some don't get along and play together as children. Some don't get along as adults either. MIL has a brother who did nothing to help or support her when her father was ill and later when he died. It was her family and friends who supported er, not her sibling.

DH works with many families following deaths - it is very common for siblings to not get on and can create he issues before and after a big illness or death.

Having a sibling is no guarantee of having an adult support system.

We already have money in place that will mean that there is no need for DD to have to give up her live to care for us. As the time gets nearer in the future we will discuss this further with her also. By then I hope she will have her own partner and family, or a close friendship circle, in addition to family who will support her in life as well.

[Anewme2018]

I’m an only child. Whilst I was spoilt with my parents love and attention, I didn’t become a spoilt brat because my parents where strict about manners and boundaries. I’m also very caring and generous in sharing!
My DH doesn’t get along with his siblings - they see each once a year. My mother was one of eight and only saw them at weddings, hospitals and funerals. Tons of threads on here about no love lost between siblings. Each child is going to have a different personality and therefore not get along. If having a sibling means the first one is going to have to go without stuff because money becomes tighter having the second. It’s best to stick to one and give them the best opportunities in life possible. I think it’s more selfish to have more kids than you can afford and therefore each subsequent child then has to miss out because of it.

[BitchQueen90]

This whole "dealing with elderly parents/deaths alone" thing is odd to me. As an only child, I am used to dealing with things alone as are many of us. You don't have a choice. I actually prefer dealing with things alone.

And not everyone will have to "deal" with elderly parents. My grandfather is nearly 76, still lives alone, drives, cooks, plays with my DS (his great grandson), goes to his hobby and competes around the county. Not all elderly people need caring for.

[Aragog]

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Sun 27-May-18 18:54:14
Only children always want a sibling. I did. I finally got one when I was 18.

Another utterly rubbish stereotype attitude!
Some only children may want a sibling.
Some don't.
Just like some children with siblings wish they didn't have a sibling, and others like having one.

[RockNRollNerd]

Another only who never wanted a sibling here! Also know plenty of other onlies who feel the same, in fact I've never met one who did so I could in theory say onlies never want a sibling, but that would be a crass generalisation based on anecdote with bugger all bearing on the wide range of experience out there. Reading MN you see plenty of people with toxic siblings but you don't often see people say 'I'm having doubts about having another because my siblings are disaster areas' as often as you see the 'should I have another baby so my child has a sibling'.

I wanted to give my children siblings so they wouldn't have to deal with their parents deaths alone. My MIL was an only child as was my grandma. In addition to this, both had a "my way or else" attitude about them; very used to getting their own way and a little pouty when they didn't. I find this a common trait in only children.

Oh but there are also plenty of perfectly obnoxious adults with siblings out there with the same attitude - you tend not to hear it blamed on them having siblings though...

The dealing with parents also has bugger all to do with siblings - me and DH have spent all of yesterday sorting out stuff to do with his mum (still alive but having problems), neither of his siblings know, MIL hasn't gone to them and DH doesn't want them to know - one would be fuck all use and add to the problems, the other would love to help and be terribly sympathetic but isn't in a position to help so no point spreading the stress around.

My parents are both onlies and they managed as well as anyone can do when their parents died. They didn't have siblings to help them and support them but they had a heck of a lot of good friends that could and did do everything they could to help (as well as having each other and me when I was older!). I'll be in the same boat, I have DH and people I can ring at 3 in the morning if needed who would drop literally everything to be there if I needed them.

TL:DR - there's a lot of negative bollocks spouted about onlies - some are lovely, kind and generous, some are selfish twats, just like those with siblings can be either. Siblings might be there for you, but they might not and you don't need to share DNA to have a great support network as you go through life.

[Bearhunter09]

Green tulips I actually find the opposite. Only children generally aren’t spoiled. Share better than ones with siblings as aren’t as protective of their stuff and realise they need to share to make friends and don’t feel the need to compete for attention all the time. There’s 5 only children in my sons class all lovely generous kind kids

[thisagain]

I had 3 children for totally selfish reasons - because I wanted them. I have 8 year age gaps between each of mine and had fertility treatment to conceive and I remember my old boss, when I was trying to have a second (had several miscarriages) saying that he had an only child because he didn't especially get on with his brothers and sisters and that is what they wanted for very similar reasons to you. Have the family you want. There is no guarantees in any of it. Everyone just does their best and hopes that their decision is the best one and invariably it is, for their family.

[namaste86]

My partner is an only child. He is one of the most generous, caring and well adjusted people I know. His parents are comfortably off, but instilled a good work ethic in him from an early age.

I'm one of 3. I was way more spoilt than him growing up, my mum done everything for us. We rarely heard the word 'no'. We all have a good work ethic and appreciate everything our parents did for us, but knew our parents would always give in.

We currently have 1 DC and planning another soon. I've always wanted 2 children. However if I'm unable to for whatever reason, I'll be fine with just my son. Since having my own child, I can definitely understand more why people only have one.

[lanbury]

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks - you haven't spoken to me either!

Yes, the responsibility of aging parents does come down to us. Alone. But you know what? That's fine. I'm used to that. I could have a million siblings living all over the world and I still might be the only one living near our parents so having a sibling is no guarantee of help in your old age.
More selfishly I do perhaps worry what will happen to me as I have one son and if my husband goes first literally no other relatives in the world. But that's no reason to have another child. The bottom line is I don't expect my child (or children) to be my carer in old age.

[Teufelsrad]

PerfectlySymmetrical. I can assure you that I've never wished for a sibling and that I love being an only child now as much as I ever did, perhaps even more. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is quite content with their only child status.

[adayatthebeach]

Life is too iffy to know the right answer. I am one of three. Not close to my only sibling that is left. I had one child who is the only grandchild on his fathers side. His father my ex, was an only child and so was his fathers mother. My son now will be responsible for his ailing father and his elderly grandmothers decisions. I will help where I can.

[WittyJack]

There's no right or wrong answer, OP, and all children are different, only or not.

All you can do is look at your family dynamics and see how you feel. If you are all feeling happy and complete, that's what matters, not the views of outsiders. For me personally, for example, once we'd had one, we wanted another because both DP and I just saw us as a family of four, and we were v lucky in being able to have a second. I now know I don't want any more. However, we could just as well have felt complete with DD1 and that would have been right for us too.

I know only children who loved it; I know only children who longed for a sibling. Having a sibling is certainly no guarantee of anything like a close relationship or help with ageing parents.

Listen to your gut, your partner and your DC - it's nobody else's business.

[littlebillie]

No don't worry, your family your choice. I know plenty of single children and they are lovely it's more to do with you and your parenting. Our friends have always been obsessed with their dd sharing and she always does. Sometimes it's easier on the child if they are the only one. Although be prepared to have pets as they do need company

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

Only children always want a sibling

Wrong. I have never once wished for a sibling. What a silly generalisation.

[lanbury]

Only children always want a sibling
No they don't!! Many (like me, DH, DM, FIL, DS) are happier without one!!

[Butterflykissess]

Really! I was told I was selfish more than once for having 4 kids. Seems you can't win tbh.

[PinotMwah]

Leaving aside the question of optimal family size, which is down to personal choice and circumstances, I just find it absolutely astonishing that people see fit to comment on other people's choices like this.

I've also had people suggesting that it is in some way selfish to have an only DC. I know its bollocks and don't need to justify myself to anyone but what kind of sanctimonious and self-important person actually thinks others want to hear their views on their life choices?

These people are on a par with the wankers who ask married, childless people in their 30s why they haven't had kids yet.

[EthelHornsby]

I have 4 adult children who are very close to each other. I never wanted only one, as I was afraid it would put too much pressure on that child to be the sole focus of all our hopes, fears and expectations. But that’s just me! No idea if any of them wish they were an only one

[SweetCheeks1980]

I'm an only child...if you met me just that alone would convince you to have at least four.

I am also an only grandchild so no cousins either.

I filled my house with my own children as I didn't really have anyone to play with, although when I did have friends in I didn't like them touching my things.

[sayhellotothelittlefella]

Children don’t need ‘everything’