Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

Legally you come across a bit jealous. My mother is from a huge family only had me and we're catholic so I grew up an only child with many friends from big families. I often heard comments growing up about how 'spoilt' I was.
In reality I actually had nice clothes attention etc compared to families who had to scream to be heard hand me downs no quality time and mums who were too knackered to actually mother.

I have a friend whose mum and dad are both only children. I think its a shame they have no auntys/uncles/cousins. Once their parents are no longer around, they will have no family left apart from their own partner and children.

Butterfly kisses hi are you my mum?!?!!

We are having only one. One child we never thought we would have. And I couldn’t give a flying duck if anyone thinks we are selfish (we have been told that we are being selfish). Having or choosing not to have children is selfish. Most choices in life are selfish. My son won’t have siblings but he does have close cousins and a full social life (at the age of 2) x

Oh. And I think I’m a much better mother to one child than the stressed mother that I would be to 2 kids

I agree that often we want what we don't have.
I grew up practically an only child (one sister 11 years older who had moved out by the time I was 9) and I hated it, found it really lonely. Especially with things such as family holidays I was always so jealous seeing siblings together. My DH, however, grew up as the eldest of six and despised sharing a bedroom, the house constantly being noisy with kids/toddlers, never having space, having to help with the younger kids (I appreciate this isn't always the case with larger families)
So I think it's hard to say really. For me it was important to have a second child and an element of that was so DC1 would have a sibling... but we can't practically/financially have more than 2 and I think it would be selfish to have more because of this, I certainly wouldn't see it as justified because of how 'lovely' it would be for our current kids to have another sibling

Believe me @Glassofredandapacketofcrisps I’m not jealous. I’d rather have my siblings.

Tbh I lost multiple pregnancies before I had my son and didn’t want to risk another high risk pregnancy. If that makes me selfish, then sod you.
Much more selfish to carry on having babies you can’t afford and to do it when you aren’t caring for first imo.

And I certainly had plenty of attention

Having children is a selfish desire.

Saying only children are spoilt is like saying having more than one is neglectful of parents.

What's the magic number for optimum siblings or a perfect family?

I don't understand why people think it's a "shame." Why the automatic belief that everyone wants a big family?

My family is small and we are all very close. The majority of people I know have aunts/uncles/cousins that they barely ever see. I only have a couple of each and we all live in the same city so we have regular get togethers. I love it.

I think a lot of people who do have siblings are projecting how they might feel onto only children. I don't give a shiny shite about having someone to "share childhood memories" with, I've got other things to think about.

Tbh the spoilt kids in my sons class are the ones with larger families.

Huge dilemma for me this scenario. I've a two year old daughter who I had as a single mother. I'm an only child so she has no cousins. I had ivf and I have embryos in storage so am luckier than most, always wanted more than one, however I'm not sure I want another child! The main reason if not the only reason for getting pregnant again would be a sibling for my dd is that enough???

I’ve always wanted 2. I’m at the point of starting to number 2 but I actually think the least selfish thing to do would be to stick with one. With one child we could afford private education, wouldn’t have to share time and could focus our energy on our existing child. With two (or more if we had twins) we couldn’t do the same but I’d hope my child would enjoy have a sibling so the difference would be offset a bit.

Tbh though I’d either long term foster or adopt a second child given the chance.

As an adult I am so grateful to have 3 siblings - I would urge anyone to have more than one child if at l possible.

Legally that's great for you but I believe you're the minority. The people I've known who've grown up in big families have either had no children or 2 max. And being catholic I've known A lot.

I'm an only child, partly because my father had a low sperm count, and partly because he was an alcoholic and my childhood was a bit dysfunctional and mum didn't have the money for another child anyway, because of dad drinking his wage away. I don't think it is selfish really. To be honest, I know no different.

But I also bristle when people talk about only children being 'spoiled'. I wasn't spoiled. A couple of my childhood friends who were only children weren't spoiled, either. I think we got the same amount of gifts and things we would if we had siblings. No more, no less. It isn't like parents of one child think 'oh, I only have one child, the next door neighbours have 3. That means I can give my child 3 times as many gifts'.

It doesn't work that way. To be honest, I have never understood where that offensive bs line about only children being spoiled comes from. It is absurd in my experience, it is simply not true. Also I have never had any problems sharing, nor had my 2 other friends who were only children. I know kids who came from big families who were not good at sharing. So all these myths about only children truly grate on me because I think it is said out of jealousy by those from big families that wish they were an only child.

I agree with everyone who has said that sibling relationships aren't guaranteed to be a blessing. One of my good friends has shown me texts and emails from his emotionally abusive eldest sister that nearly reduced me to tears of rage on his behalf. Another friend in her mid-30s lies awake at night because she's worried that she'll have to support her brother when their parents die and that she'll never be able to afford to start her own family as a result. I know people whose very religious siblings ditched them when they came out, and brothers and sisters who fell out for good over inheritance issues. I'm fond of my only sibling but I haven't met his six week old DC yet, even though we live close together, because I'm pretty low down their list of newborn visitors (which is fair enough).

In short, it's great to have another child if it's what you want and it works for your family as a whole, but it's no guarantee that you're giving your firstborn a best friend and ally for life.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers - "I got a lot of assumptions made about me as a child - that I was spoilt, had everything I wanted etc. People would say "oh you don't SEEM like an only child" as if they expected me to be some kind of monster."

Oh I know! Some people are truly prejudiced and ignorant when it comes to only children. I am well adjusted myself, and I wonder at those who cast these aspersions on us, they are the ones who don't seem well adjusted because they're the ones speaking out of ignorance. And, I think, a lot of it is jealousy. People who make assumptions about us only children, I think, deep down, truly envy us and their jealousy makes them try to cover it up by devaluing only children. The only problem I have/ever had as an only child are narrow-minded people making assumptions about me, my upbringing, my ability to share and/or relate to people. I've never had any problems, neither do the only children/adults I know. There is a lot of prejudice out there against only children, a lot of stigma. It is so unfair and makes me so upset. It is like they expect we will be maladjusted spoiled delinquents or something.

I'm also a mum of an OC and have shared a lot of the concerns that have been mentioned. I have only recently come to terms that my DC won't have any siblings, but have rationalised it with the following points:

• there are so many OC now. When I was growing up there were very few, but now a lot of my DC's friends don't have siblings either, so we know lots of parents looking for play dates. Children also go to nursery earlier and so have lots of interaction with their piers.

• there are so many different types of family units now (again so different from when I grew up), and there is no right or wrong, the only thing you can do is what is best for your family and give children and loving and stable home life.

• Having siblings (or not) will have some impact on your personality but will not define it. There are so many other factors to take into account. Also people like to label without any thought, ie a child is attention seeking because only he's an only child / middle child / broken home etc etc (whichever is most appropriate)

-I'm in my 40's but I personally think that it is tough for millennial's and I worry about the future for my DC. In our financial position, we can give her a good start in life, I do'n't think we could do the same if we had to.

• I have siblings that I rarely see and one which I am nc with as he's so abusive and toxic. When my parents get older I am the only one living in same country as my parents, so all the burden of care will fall on me.

I would think the decision making process has to be around a) whether you can fall pregnant with another b) afford another financially and c) can afford the time to spend on another. I know only children who are spoiled and some who are lovely, as I do know spoiled children who have siblings and some who are lovely. Makes no difference it’s HOW the parent treats them that count. So what you WANT to. It’s no one business

I had an awful pregnancy and birth, and it put me off having more. I was scared stiff, if I'm honest.

Dd now nearly 12. I am always encouraging her friends round to socialise and for her to go round theirs. I don't think it's harmed her. She is very resilient and independent though.

Add me to the only child who never wanted siblings list.

As far as helping when it comes to parents deaths, without exception from observation of friends/colleagues etc, it is almost one main person that looks after the parent/s and handles their financial and health affairs. I've never come across a family yet where more than one person is the main carer/in charge. So, you only need one child for that.

I've been reading books about raising only children and I have accepted that if I do decide not to have another that my first and only born will have a wonderful, happy, healthy life, whether they have another playmate at home or not.

People get old, ail, and ultimately die and that part of life is hard. But that can happen at any stage. There are no guarantees that any one particular person will 'be there' to help when the time comes and I refuse to make a decision as huge as bringing ANOTHER human into this world based on fear of my only being 'alone' at the end.

Parenting is one tough job. I don't think I have the mental energy to raise more than one, to worry about more than one. We certainly don't have enough money to put more than one child through university at the moment. What if each child wants their own car?

There is nothing wrong with only child families. Just as there is nothing wrong with families of 2, 2, 4, 8... 10 children.