Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[FormerlyPickingOakum]

I'm an only; my dd is an only.

I kinda struggle to see how the decision to only have one child is "selfish".

How is it selfish? And to whom? Who suffers from this selfish decision? Who benefits? Selfish on the part of the adult to the detriment of the child?

As an adult only, I can't say I suffered from my parents' decision. My parents didn't suffer either. Did society suffer? I suppose it lost some potential taxpayers, but that's by no means a given.

The decision for my parents to only have one was heavily influenced by finances and the economic climate in the mid 70s. My mother was also bothered about replicating her own sibling dynamics.

For me and Dh, well, it's financial considerations. We just could not afford another child. And I'm too old to go through the heavily medicalised pregnancy that I would need to. And besides, both DH and I want the ability to have time of our own on a regular basis (with one, we have childcare opportunities that we couldn't afford with two).

I don't think onlies are particularly spoilt. I never was. But I do think they can be rather intense in some respects.

[PinguForPresident]

People generalise from their own experiences.

I'm one of 3. We are close, although we live a fair disance apart. I'm SO grateful to have my siblings, we lost our mum when we were quite young, and have pulled together as a unit. I adore them.

My late mum was an only child. She hated it, hated the sole responsibility for her own ageing mother, hated having no sibling to share the ups and downs of life with. My husband is an only. He hates it. Hated having no one else in the house as a child, moved away as soon as he could to prevent the stifling presence of his parents. Barely speaks to them now, but knows he'll have sole responsibility for them within the nexy few years as they are becoming inform. I thinkit's interesting that both my mum and my husband - who are from wildly different backgrounds and generations - both felt damaged by being only kids.

We have 2 kids. my H was set on that from Day 1, and I couldn't deny my own kids the amazing benefits I've had from having siblings.

Both of my sibs have only children themselves. At current ages (under 10) they don't socialise as well as my 2, struggle massively with having other kids in their house/space. Could be personality, could be the only child thing. We'll see!

There's pros and cons either way: my nephew and niece have far more materially than my kids. my siblings and their spouses have FAR easier lives than we do and are probably more relaxed as parents as they're not juggling nearly so much!

I wouldn't judege anyone for sticking at 1 child, but I wouldn't have done so myself, due to what I've seen and experienced.

[Teufelsrad]

I enjoyed days out with my Mother and Grandmother when it was just the two or three of us. I'm very happy that I had that time with them, and I never felt an urge to have anyone else there. Occasionally a friend accompanied us but my fondest memories are of just my Mother and me.

I was very close to my cousins and 90% of the time we went on holiday with them or with my mother's friends' children, and that was fun, but I was always happy to return to the peace and calm of my home, away from my cousins who fought incessantly.

I also had holidays without other children, though I had some time in kids clubs, and I enjoyed those just as much as those spent with relatives and friends.

I don't expect everyone to agree but the truth is that some of us are very content with our status and it doesn't mean that we had a deprived or miserable childhood.

[WhiteCat1704]

I have two older siblings. My sister hated me as a child. Apparently I "stole" our mother from her. We fought a lot and as she was older and bigger it was bad for me. It went on till I become a teenager strong enough to properly fight back. I wouldn't wish this kind o sibling relationship on anybody.

My parents were selfish for having 3 children they were not able to care for properly.

On a plus side we all get on well now. But we are adults..it took a very long time to get to this point..

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

No, it's not. I'm an oc & loved it growing up.

However for the first time in my life recently I've been wishing I had a sibling. My dad died & it's all down to me (he was single), there's no one to share the grief with (my dh is being amazing but he wasn't his Dad if that makes sense). I also find myself in the situation of being responsible for an aging Grandparent. It's hard. I wouldn't really change the childhood I had though it would just be nice to have someone who fully 'gets it' sts.

On the other hand my dh & his sister have been nc for all his adult life & never really liked eachother in childhood, they did get on when his Mum died & offer eachother support but they were nc again by 6 months after her death.

I suppose what I'm trying to get across is do what is right for you & your family there are advantages to just 1 & to 2 or more.

[breadsticker]

I’m spoilt and one of three. None of us get on. I last spoke to one sister 5 years ago and the other maybe 2?
I have an only dc. We are giving her everything we can but at the same time she’s not spoilt. You can spoil more than one dc as I know. On my birthday all three of us got presents in case one cried. That is spoiling a dc. At 5 my dd does struggle to share but that’s because it’s only done at school or outside the home. She will get it soon, I regularly get feedback from her school that’s she’s kind and considerate to others and understands to try to share.
We don’t get elaborate toys and go overboard on birthdays and Christmas even though we could. It’s the parents who spoil a dc and as I said, that can happen with one or more.
I really don’t want any more. With one I’m happy with the opportunities I can give not just dd but ourselves as it’s made life much easier imo.

[breadsticker]

I also plan to sort my own care out and help her understand that she’s not to feel responsible for me when I’m older. Some elderly now didn’t know how difficult it would be as they got older. I think in my generation more people understand they’re going to have to plan how to get through their older years anyway.

[SweetIcedTea]

I'd agree that having more children than you can afford is more of an issue, you can borrow other children for holidays and days out and hand them back. Having because a single parent when DD was 11 I was able to buy my ex out of the house and carry on a similar lifestyle for the two of us, with more DC I'd have struggled with one salary.

[NataliaOsipova]

People generalise from their own experiences.

This. This x 100. And not just on this thread! People seem to find it impossible to imagine that someone else’s situation and experiences are wholly different from their own.....and that’s why someone else would have a different opinion.

FWIW, I’m an only, I have two, DH is one of three. Solely on the basis of this experience, I would say that my kids (who get on fantastically) are better off than I was, but that I was better off than DH who never got on with his two siblings. But that’s just one viewpoint and probably has no wider relevance. Families are different. There are pros and cons to every situation; what’s optimal for you depends very much on your own individual circumstances.

[InspMorse]

I think only children tend to be spoilt and find they don't share very well or relate very well to others

The exact OPPOSITE of this!!

[AuntJobiska]

As everyone says, you can't guarantee that one or two or three works out well or badly, so you really have to make the decision based on what you want.

However, if you have an only, as I did, I would suggest that maybe it might be a good idea to make sure you are very sociable as a habit. DH and I are not, and I think the two things combined have led to a rather insecure and shy teenager who sticks to his home almost to the point of obsession, and does not fit well into groups (though I think those friendships he does have are very strong on a one-to-one basis). In theory - that great thing - I look back over the last 15 years and think that possibly if we'd been more of a go-out or have-people-round couple, it would have been a better role model for him. I'm not being harsh on myself, simply reflective and candid.

[Jenna43]

I'm sure it's perfectly possible to have a wonderful only child but I think you have to work harder to ensure they don't get spoilt

Of course it is. My 7yo DD is so overly generous that I've had to stop her giving away all her things to her friends on several occasions. She is complemented on her lovely manners quite frequently.

The most spoilt child I ever knew was one of 3. She's an adult now and can't hold down a relationship or a job due to her demands. I don't blame her, it was her parents fault. This woman has 2 lovely siblings who weren't treated the same as her and they're 'normal'.

[Jenna43]

I wouldn't have a clue how you teach a child to share when there's no one to share with!

Only children are not kept in isolation you know. They go to pre-school, nursery, play with cousins and friends. I've had the opposite. The spoilt brat next door with a sibling, throwing a tantrum and demanding my DDs birthday presents...and her crazy mother looking at me like I'm the devil incarnate because I said no.

[stressedoutfred]

I'm not stupid thanks @Jenna43 , as I said, I only know a couple and the two I know have really struggled with the concept of having to share, not being the only priority. Neither have cousins ( as only grandchildren ) and one didn't go to nursery or pre school either.

[ScrubTheDecks]

Er, most children seem to have issues with sharing . Definitely at toddler stage, then so many arguments about hogging the X Box....

[corythatwas]

One of the loveliest, most mature, and least selfish people I have ever known is my nephew who was an only. Really balanced and down to earth and obviously gets on very well with other people.

His sociable and outgoing mother was able to teach him far more about socialising than my (lovely but shy and introverted) mother could ever teach the four of us.

[divadee]

I have 2 kind of only children as they are 19 years apart. My eldest said a few times when she was younger she wanted a sibling but now she says it doesn't make a difference. She adores her baby sister (we had a few miscarriages inbetween) who was a complete surprise and not the menopause I thought she was, but it's obviously a very very different relationship to closer she siblings.

[BitchQueen90]

It's amazing. It's like some people on this thread are completely ignoring the posts from us only children who have said we enjoyed our childhoods and deciding that no, our lives must be unhappy because we have no siblings.

Some only children are lonely/spoilt/miserable. Some aren't. Some children with siblings are lonely/spoilt/miserable. Some aren't. All kids and families are different with different dynamics, there's no "one size fits all."

Don't try to tell me that my life without siblings must be awful based on what YOU might feel, especially if you have no experience of being an only child. Rude, patronising and presumptuous.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

formerbabe

I do think there is something very unique about a sibling bond...no one else can really understand your past like them.

Especially when they are the one that have caused the majority of pain in your upbringing.

I do feel sad for only children.

that is your issue

I know many on here aren't close with their siblings..I don't understand that.

Look up golden child/scapegoat its fairly easy to understand.

[corythatwas]

As it so happens, I am close to my 3 brothers and think they have enhanced my life in all sorts of ways. But it doesn't take a lot of cynicism to look around other adults of a similar age and think "I doubt my life would have been greatly enhanced if you had been my brother/sister".

Some people are arseholes. Some are violent. Some are sexual abusers. Having one of those for your sibling wouldn't make your life full of magic and roses.

Yes, there are things to be said for the kind of enforced tolerance that comes with family proximity. At least two of my brothers are the kind of people that I would probably never had made friends with in the ordinary course of life (v. different people, not many interests in common) and having to take that step has made me a happier person.

But that's only because their personalities or the way we were parenting did not make me unhappy in the first place. If that had been the case, a close-knit family like ours could have been hell on earth.