Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[Ansumpasty]

Why is it so hard to click stuff in bold on your iPhone

[LancashireTea]

My DD is an only right now. I've suffered with awful PND and it's only recently when I've even begun to consider having more children.

I'm torn. She's so much fun, bit is also very challenging. We can afford everything for one, things get much tighter for 2.

Plus I already feel massive guilt and anxiety about how much time I actually get to spend with her. I'm a teacher and regularly work 65 hour weeks. And then I'm tired and stressed, so not a good enough mum as it is. Add another into the mix and I might get completely tipped over the edge.

But then again, I worry about her being lonely.

I'm wasn't lonely growing up. I have 2 siblings, one of which is my younger half sister and we have a 9 year gap. We get on reasonably well but are not close.i barely speak to my brother who is 19 months younger than me.
OH is one of 4. They are pretty close. He's definitely more broody then I am.

[TittyGolightly]

I’m sure childhood ( & indeed life ) is much better & happier if you have a sibling or two who you really get on with.

How do you guarantee that, then?

[OlBitey]

Honestly? Yes. As an only child, it was extremely lonely and boring and I lacked the opportunities to learn particular social skills that came easily to kids with siblings and spent my teenagerhood playing catch up, to the detriment of my self esteem.

Nobody is entitled to anything though, and plenty of people don't get the families they deserve.

I don't know a single only child that is happy about it, but I know plenty of people who are very close to their siblings, who have been sources of support & fun for them from adulthood onwards. I would have loved that.

And yes, I will be alone when my parents die - no one to remember the first 20ish years of my life with. It's incredibly depressing and when they die a huge part of my identity will be gone.

[JacquesHammer]

I’ve managed to hoover, have a quiet breakfast listening to the radio, do two washes and sit on my phone on mumsnet this morning while the kids have played dress up, watched tv, played buckaroo and something that sounded like tick involving a zombie, and it’s just gone 9am.
If only one of them were here this morning, they’d have been stuck to me like glue complaining they’re bored, and I’d be working hard to keep them happy

Maybe that’s a YOUR kid thing rather than a sibling vs only thing?

I too have always been able to do all that whilst DD played, or read, or coloured, or watched a movie.

[PurpleRobe]

It's not selfish to have one child.

[OlBitey]

Sure, I had more things and hobbies than my friends with siblings. But as an adult I couldn't care less about that. Relationships, ongoing security, love and friendship matter in the long run - which the majority of people do get from sibling relationships.

[TittyGolightly]

Come on, nobody invites a 3 year old’s friend every time they go on a day out. A sibling is a free, built in companion from 6am-7pm and there are no two ways about it.

DD makes temporary friends within about 90 seconds of hitting anywhere with other children. She’s like a magnet.

My sister and I hated each other pretty much from birth. The only thing we were doing all day was fighting and trying to avoid one another.

I’ve managed to hoover, have a quiet breakfast listening to the radio, do two washes and sit on my phone on mumsnet this morning while the kids have played dress up, watched tv, played buckaroo and something that sounded like tick involving a zombie, and it’s just gone 9am.

Congratulations. We aren’t early risers. DD (7) came in for a cuddle at 8:45am before going downstairs to get herself some breakfast, and is now happily playing Lego. I’ve had a lie in, played on mumsnet and the robot hoover will do its job later while we meet up with friends.

If only one of them were here this morning, they’d have been stuck to me like glue complaining they’re bored, and I’d be working hard to keep them happy.

That’s about personality as much as anything. DD has always been content to entertain herself. She can make a game out of anything. It’s very rare that she’s demanding attention, which makes it all the nicer to give it.

[JacquesHammer]

It’s very rare that she’s demanding attention, which makes it all the nicer to give it

That’s such a lovely point and I totally agree.

[andthislittlepiggywent1]

I've known a few stereotypical "onlies". Most of them actually had siblings! E.g., my cousin, the precious son and heir after two crushing disappointments (girls). Or one of the girls I played with as a child, who was daddy's princess and who had never learned to share because her parents favoured her so outrageously that she was never expected to share with her brother.

[ScrubTheDecks]

“If only one of them were here this morning, they’d have been stuck to me like glue complaining they’re bored, and I’d be working hard to keep them happy.”

Or so you assume....

Another parent in your shoes might have got NOTHING done due to bickering. Every school holiday has MN full of posts from parents sick to the back teeth of sibling bickering’

So much for all this notion of sharing that big families are so great at

I have 3 but I had my eldest for long enough as an only to teach ‘taking in turns’ (a much easier concept for a small child to grasp than ‘sharing’, IMO) at our regular pre/school Mum
Friends meet up. Only children go to nursery, to school....

I have actually witnessed only children being very undemanding and ‘mine’!’ around toys and attention maybe precisely because they are not in a constantly competitive environment of siblings. Though of course parents of multiple kids make other mitigations, ensuring that each child gets some individual attention etc.

I am a bit surprised by some unimaginative inability of some pusters to think beyond their own experience.

[Ansumpasty]

TittyGolightly You seem very touchy about it, which makes it seem like you have personal issues regarding more children (or not).
The op wanted to know if it was selfish to choose to have one child, which most people agreed isn’t selfish.
Oh and ‘congratulations’ back at you for having such a perfect, well-rounded only child

[OlBitey]

Friends are not the same as siblings. The relationship is much flimsier. You have to be nice to them or they'll go away!

It's really important for kids to be able to test out frustration, arguing, jealousy etc on someone in a low stakes situation. Having rows with siblings (where parents will step in if getting too nasty) is crucial for testing out where boundaries lie in relationships, as well as experiencing negotiation, forgiveness and so on.

Only children miss out on this completely and have some nasty shocks later on because of it. In my case I had no idea how to stand up for myself at school and was bullied terribly because I was an easy target.

[JacquesHammer]

You seem very touchy about it

It’s almost like people spout unfounded stereotypes about onlies on a regular basis...

[JacquesHammer]

OlBitey - I never argued with my sibling. I was an am very placid. I still manage to function as a human being.

[Teufelsrad]

The sharing thing amuses me because I spent a lot of time with my cousins growing up and their 'sharing' consisted mostly of them brawling until one got the upper hand.

I had little trouble learning to share. I had less to lose in a way because I knew that my things were mine for the majority of the time, and I didn't have to squabble over them.

[surferjet]

How do you guarantee that, then?

You can’t, just like you can’t guarantee an only child will be happy.

But, given the choice, I wouldn’t have just one child, because apart from anything else, it’s probably more exhausting than having two.

[TittyGolightly]

But, given the choice, I wouldn’t have just one child, because apart from anything else, it’s probably more exhausting than having two.

Which is surely the definition of selfish.

[surferjet]

Not really, I’m sure a 6 year old would rather be playing with his 9 year old brother than his 40 year old mum.

[TimeToDash]

Not selfish, but I think they get so much out of having a sibling. I can't imagine my oldest being alone when I look at them playing together. Definitely did the right thing having two.

[Grandmaswagsbag]

I’d hate to be an only child but I guess you don’t know any difference? My dh never had a sibling growing up and I think he looks at my family with a bit of jealousy, I have 2 dbs. He definitely feels he missed out on something and would have been a little more well rounded as a person if he’d had siblings. But I’m sure there are some people who loved their only child childhoods.

[TittyGolightly]

Not selfish, but I think they get so much out of having a sibling. I can't imagine my oldest being alone when I look at them playing together. Definitely did the right thing having two.

That’s great. My sister and I just about tolerated each other until I moved out at 17 and we’ve barely spoken for 23 years.

[JacquesHammer]

DD has just read this thread. She’s laughing .

Apparently “having to be with a brother or sister all the time would be boring”

[SeriousSass]

YANBU
Of course it isn’t selfish to have one kid. I wouldn’t give this any more thought.

[Grandmaswagsbag]

Only children miss out on this completely and have some nasty shocks later on because of it. In my case I had no idea how to stand up for myself at school and was bullied terribly because I was an easy target.

This is similar to how my dh feels, he never really learnt many social skills until much much later in life and now has big problems dealing with any criticism at all, which has be hard to overcome at work and has definitely held him back. Also had a few problems with bullying at various stages in life. I think siblings teach you to deal with people being shitty