Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
crazycatguy · 26/05/2018 11:10

I think going in on the legal front won't make a blind bit of difference. How many of you were turned off drinking when your mum reminded you you weren't yet 18 or refused the crafty ciggy behind the bikesheds whilst telling your mates you won't because of age?

These two are under 16 but being incredibly mature about it. Your ds is discussing this, even if he is cringing, and I'd encourage his gf to talk to her mother too as I think if I was her mother, I would want to know. I'd also be equally as annoyed my dd couldn't tell me this herself.

Whether we like it or not (and I understand why you would not), teenagers are going to have sex. We can scream at them about legislation, or we can have an open and honest dialogue to help them make sensible and realistic choices.

BeachyUmbrella · 26/05/2018 11:11

Is this her?
Eldest DDwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3253693-Eldest-DD

grandplans · 26/05/2018 11:11

I was having sex at 14, nearly 15, with my long term BF who was a year older. We'd discussed it and taken precautions.

My mum had no idea.

I split up with him, and I also had sex with my next boyfriend, who I was with from 15 to 25 and who - two decades later - is still a good friend of mine.

Nearly 15 is young, but I'm not sure if "just say no" is going to help you here. If they want to do it, better they're prepared and your DS knows he can talk to you, than that you ban them and they go underground like teens always have.

If they're lying to you about it, how will your DS be able to come to you if he does need advice?

The age of consent is there to protect young people from older people / sleezy men who want to take advantage of them and to protect against unwanted pregnancy.

I don't see anything that wrong with teens who are not that far off 16 having consensual sex within the context of a loving relationship with someone their own age, as long as they're taking reasonable precautions.

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/05/2018 11:12

It isn't illegal in the UK for under 16s to have sex.
If the individuals are able to consent and not being taken advantage of then they can get contraception and carry on. This doesn't mean that it is a good idea for them to be sexually active; it is unlikely that they are mature enough to manage the emotional and physical consequences of break up/ friends knowing/ pregnancy / contraception etc.
You can't stop them. 14 year olds have been having sex since Romeo and Juliet but I personally think you should make it difficult/ discourage so that they realise the importance of this decision.
The bravest thing to do is to discuss with GF's mother. Tell your son first of course but go ahead.
I see a lot of teenagers in my work and it is not usual to be having sex at 14.it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with them and some children are just more mature than others but there can be a lot of fallout . Playground and social media gossip is a huge issue and a kid has to be very resilient to cope with it. Really important exams coming up , all of that stuff can be a real distraction and make a young person very unhappy.

BeachyUmbrella · 26/05/2018 11:12

My 14 year old DD's decisionswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3249319-My-14-year-old-DDs-decisions

x2boys · 26/05/2018 11:14

how is that recant Frangipani? it clearly states the are BOTH 14 do you think the police are going to prosecute both of them?

x2boys · 26/05/2018 11:15

relevant*

CornishMaid1 · 26/05/2018 11:15

I would tell the mother.

People may say no one will prosecute but your son could end up in trouble. The DS of a friend of a friend was 15 when he had sex with his 15 yo gf. It was consensual but when her parents found out they weren't happy and reported it as statutory rape. The DS then had to be seen by a social worker and go to classes on consent etc while she had no consequences.

rainbowdashflip · 26/05/2018 11:17

cornish

They may have reported it as statutory rape, but the initial report would have been where that term ended.

PurpleTigerLove · 26/05/2018 11:41

It’s too young . Tell her Mum .

SouthWestmom · 26/05/2018 11:45

Wait!

You have his Instagram account on your phone and can see his private messages? So not just following him? You could post as him if you wanted?

That is weird.

No idea on the rest. 14 year olds having sex has always happened. Doesn't mean it's a good thing or that more of them should.

ALemonyPea · 26/05/2018 12:25

Right, yes, sorry, the title says the GF is 14. It’s still a no from me.

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

x2boys · 26/05/2018 15:20

he can't consent either as hes also 14 do people really think the police and the cps are going to charge either of them because she's having a sex with a minor too?

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 15:22

@MyLearnedFriend. Agree. Too young to have a tattoo, or to drink alcohol, is too young to deal with pregnancy. I cannot imagine how distressing it would be to have to take your 14 year old daughter for an abortion, or to a STI clinic. Sex should be an adult activity, it isn’t for children. The law is there for a reason. I will do everything I can to stop my daughter’s having sex before they are emotionally, physically and legally old enough.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 15:24

Bloody predictive text throwing in the misplaced apostrophe there.

titchy · 26/05/2018 15:26

The girl is under 16 so legally, she cannot consent

What the fuck - of COURSE she can consent. She's 14 not 12 or 9 or 6.

Turnocks34 · 26/05/2018 15:26

It is too young to have sex, but that won’t stop them. I teach in a secondary school. It’s common place now for year 8 pupils to be sexually active, sadly (or at least on the schools I have worked in).

You know he is planning to have sex. You need to sit him down now for an honest chat. He needs to know, and really understand hat pregnancy is a risk you take every time you have sex. Even with a condom. I would also tell the girls mother.

That said, I’m really glad my eldest is only 4 so I have a few years of calm before this storm hits us!

thinking3333 · 26/05/2018 15:39

If they have sex your DS could be arrested for statutory rape, even though he is also under 16. Though that's unlikely to happen.

14 is too young. You should speak to him about it, not in a accusing way but try and make him understand it's illegal to have sex with someone under 16.

thinking3333 · 26/05/2018 15:42

Also how are they going to have sex - do you let them stay at each other's houses/ be alone in heir bedrooms?

Carolynnnna · 26/05/2018 15:43

They will do it whether their parents agree or not.

Should a 14-year old girl be on the pill (from a health/messing with hormones perspective)?

He can practice with condoms on his own—just buy him some and make sure he has access to internet in his bedroom.

thinking3333 · 26/05/2018 15:43

@titchy actually the law says anyone under 16 legally cannot consent. That's what the age of consent means.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 26/05/2018 15:45

Yes you should

She can’t legally give her consent
She of putting herself at risk from HPV

Sort your self out OP ffs!

thinking3333 · 26/05/2018 15:47

@Whattheactualfuckmate but surely she would only risk getting HPV if he had it too?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/05/2018 15:48

Am I in the minority in that I would be going apeshit if I found out my 14yo son or daughter was planning on having sex. Its too bloody young.