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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
PickwickThePlockingDodo · 26/05/2018 10:22

I agree with Pengggwn first time ever it is awful to read his private messages. But now that you have, you must tell her mother.

TammySwansonTwo · 26/05/2018 10:23

Not necessarily - she might have difficult periods, that’s a common reason for young girls to go on the pill.

Quite surprised by some of the responses here TBH - didn’t anyone else lose their virginity at 14? I did. It was with my boyfriend of nearly a year at the time, he was very respectful and considerate, it certainly beats many of the experiences of y friends to be honest. It sounds like they are being mature and considerate about it - I would still ensure I’d discussed the risks. When I was a teenager I was on the pill and used condoms every single time as pregnancy terrified me.

I would also check he’s really ready - it’s often assumed that boys will be the one pressuring girls but that’s not always the case. IME girls are generally more mature at that age, although obviously individual maturity levels vary, and I don’t know many men who lost their virginity at such a young age but I know plenty of women who did.

Rachie1973 · 26/05/2018 10:23

rightwellthen

What the actual hell!? Do any of you remember being teenagers!?

LOL I hear you! At 13/14/15 I was SO clever. My parents were people who were like 'well old' man! (my Mum was 17 when she had me so not miles away from me in age) and they didn't understand what it was like to be young!

They made sure I understood my responsibility for my OWN sexual health, and my Mum used to put giant boxes of condoms in mine, and my brothers rooms lol. She was a local district nurse and used to just get them from work (AIDS was becoming a 'thing' as I became a teen) and just waited then, until I needed more advice.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 10:23

I have his instagram account on my phone, he knows I do and isn't bothered. He knows I can see his conversations. I do think they are both too young and I will tell him so - he was talking last night about this 'vc' or virginity card which you give to your first love... I think its almost trendy and that's influencing them too. They have been together around a year, I'll tell them another year (and 2 months) won't make much difference.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2018 10:26

So, why is it such a big deal when a teenage boy can't take a chat about condoms (with his mum!) seriously!? I'm laughing at this thread right now! Poor kid has no hope!

He didn't laugh - it made him feel sick. Bit different to some mindless dick head drawing silly pictures don't you think?

This thread has the worrying assumption that boys are always up for sex and that pressure only happens the other way.

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:27

My parents were people who were like 'well old' man!

😂 rachie I think leave a box of condoms and run is the perfect approach! I'm stealing that!

KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 10:28

I have his instagram account on my phone, he knows I do and isn't bothered. He knows I can see his conversations.

This is unhealthy.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 10:29

Your son knows you can see his conversations about sex with his girlfriend. That suggests to me that he knows you have no problem with him having sex at 14. That worries me.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 26/05/2018 10:31

I have his instagram account on my phone, he knows I do and isn't bothered

He's nearly 15. When do you plan on not reading his private messages? 16? 18? 25? It is unhealthy and weird.

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:33

He didn't laugh - it made him feel sick. Bit different to some mindless dick head drawing silly pictures don't you think?

He said that as a joke, tea, and I wouldn't consider drawing a penis the move of a mindless dickhead! Most people find this funny!

Personally, I think your anally retentive approach to sex could be very damaging. Being open and liberal towards sex helps young people to recognise their desires are normal. Without it, people are left feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Plus, the amount of humour in the media and day to day life surrounding sex suggests it's not just me who finds aspects of it funny.

If you relaxed a bit you'd probably enjoy it more yourself!

Buster72 · 26/05/2018 10:33

I am very impressed that they are discussing it at all. I too lost my virginity at 14 and it was a weird set of circumstances.
Your son sounds quite sensible.
As for the legal aspect no way would this result in a prosecution. Don't lumber that guilt on a kid.

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 10:34

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant
At what point did the OP imply the girl was younger?
If 15 year olds are planning on having sex they will have sex. Having their parents find out what they are planning and telling them not to probably won't stop them.
They seem to be taking precautions and being responsible about it.
Also what's to say the girls mother doesn't know? Perhaps she has seen these conversations too, maybe her daughter has spoken to her about sex?
They're not going out to take hard core drugs here. They are taking precautions and being responsible which is more than a lot of 14/15 year olds would do

chocatoo · 26/05/2018 10:34

I would talk to your son about the risk involved if it goes wrong afterwards. What if she or her parents complain to the police? Also I think 16 is there for a reason - at 14/15 I would worry that they are not emotionally ready for such a big commitment.

DistanceCall · 26/05/2018 10:37

FGS, two 14-year-olds having sex is NOT rape.

Just buy a jumbo packet of condoms and leave them somewhere where he can access them. Is there any man in the family (father, family friend, etc.) who can talk with him about sex?

And I would start talking casually around the house about the horrors of teen pregnancy and fatherhood.

LucheroTena · 26/05/2018 10:37

I would talk to him about not putting intimate chat on social media. That they are below age of consent and I would try to have a discussion about why age of consent exists. I would also ask if her mother knows and if she doesn’t encourage them to tell her.

Tansytaylor · 26/05/2018 10:38

It's not unhealthy or weird to properly parent your child. I checked my DDs messages until she was about 16. Not because I actually cared what nonsense she was talking with her mates but because I wanted to be aware of any potential problems. She's almost 20 now and at uni and surprisingly doesn't resent me for doing my 'job.' Goes without saying that I wouldn't dream of looking at anything now

14 year olds should not be having sex so id be doing everything in my power to prevent this and yes, id be chatting to the mum as well

Overly liberal parenting bites you on the arse

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 10:39

Also although I have known people as adults who had sex at 14, almost all of my group of friends were virgins at 18 and waited until after the sixth form. The only girl who wasn’t a virgin at 14 had been raped. Sex changes everything, and because of the hormonal flood of oxytocin can make you feel bonded to someone you really shouldn’t be with, and break ups much harder to cope with. It is too much to deal with as a child. I really hate the over sexualisation in our culture, I think it is so damaging. We should be letting children grow up and become young adults before they have the added dimension of sex. Britain is very bad in this respect compared to Scandinavia.

GalwayWayfarer · 26/05/2018 10:42

How old is the girlfriend? Is she also almost 15?

I would be talking to your son about the law and about it generally and I would tell him that you're going to speak to his girlfriend's mum about it. She has the right to make sure she has talked to her daughter first and knows that her daughter is happy with whatever decision they make.

TheOriginalEmu · 26/05/2018 10:45

I have access to all my children’s social media accounts. They know I do. As do the vast majority of my friends with teens the same age. What is unhealthy about it? It’s for their safety.

Piggywaspushed · 26/05/2018 10:46

I've just googled V Card. Shock

Ohyesiam · 26/05/2018 10:46

Well I’m in my 50s , but it seems like I was a teen much more recently than a lot of posters here. Legislation V teen hormones? I think I know which will speak louder to teens.
Why do people think statutory rape exists in the U.K.? Even in US you can’t be prosecuted for it when you are underage.

They sound mature, planning in advance, not just spur of the moment.
The main thing I’d be talking to my son about is consent , and how sex is so different from porn, he really needs to know this. I’d also tell the girlfriend that she could talk to me about anything, anytime.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 10:46

TheOriginalEmu

For me, the issue is that the OP thinks her son is old enough to be in an intimate relationship, but still young enough that he needs her to police his social media. That's a bit inconsistent, isn't it?

Wildery · 26/05/2018 10:47

Why don't you invite her mum out for a coffee, to get to know her since your DCs are in a relationship. Then you can gauge whether you should mention anything. I wouldn't say you've read their Instagram messages, just that you think it's inevitable they'll become sexually-active at some point and sound her out about how she feels, and what you both, as parents, should do (if anything). I don't think it's weird or unhealthy that you read his messages, but your son's GF may not know, so I'd keep that to myself.

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 10:47

Also what would they complain to the police about, he is also underage? Are we to presume that every young girl who has sex will cry rape? They have both been talking about it and from the conversations it seems to be her pushing the matter.

Boredandtired · 26/05/2018 10:49

Having gone through similar it's really tricky. If things develop they will want to do it anyway. I do think you should respect him enough to let him have privacy and change his password.