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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
titchy · 26/05/2018 10:51

The law does NOT class two 14 year olds having consensual sex as rape ffs where do people get theses ideas from.

Yes you should tell her mum. You should also be massively discouraging your Ds.

threelittlesoliders · 26/05/2018 10:51

As others have said if they're openly discussing the idea of having sex, then they will have it regardless. I know I'd much rather my DS have sex with his GF in a safe environment, rather than sneaking around in parks and bushes if sex is forbidden. All you can do is ensure your son knows about safe sex, and consent on both ends. You sound like a fab mum OP.

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 10:53

The law does NOT class two 14 year olds having consensual sex as rape ffs where do people get theses ideas from.

Exactly why do people seem to think this?

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/05/2018 10:53

I have access to all my children’s social media accounts. They know I do. As do the vast majority of my friends with teens the same age. What is unhealthy about it? It’s for their safety.

^Completely agree.

robotcartrainhat · 26/05/2018 10:55

what I would do is tell your son you have seen the messages and that you will have to tell the girls mother as she is under 16. Tell him that you suggest that he gets his girlfriend to approach her own mother and talk about it herself first and that if he does that and you are certain he has done it then you wont have to get involved.

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 10:56

You can tell your kids it's illegal and you don't agree with it as much as you like but unless you plan on tying them up and locking them in the house until they are of age then really you won't be able to stop them. All comes down to wether your child will take your feelings on board ( sadly not likely in most cases).

TheOriginalEmu · 26/05/2018 10:56

penggwn well that’s a different argument to saying it’s unhealthy. But no, I don’t think it is inconsistent really. Even adults get bullied and harassed online, I keep an eye for that reason. So I can help rather than police.

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 10:58

I have access to all my children’s social media accounts. They know I do. As do the vast majority of my friends with teens the same age. What is unhealthy about it? It’s for their safety.

^Completely agree.

Absolutely. People should consider doing it more. With all the social media they have access to there is very high potential for grooming and it happens all the time!
Sorry totally off subject there.

Ihearafanfare · 26/05/2018 10:59

Stop reading his messages it’s incredibly weird. Leave them alone they’re teenagers in ‘love’ and whatever you do don’t do this as it’s the weirdest suggestion I’ve ever come across

all 4 of you should sit down and discuss the legalities and emotional consequences

It’s consexual sex, you’ve had discussions around it, you know they’re going to be using contraception so leave them the hell alone it must be mortifying for them!

Zoflorabore · 26/05/2018 11:00

I presume we are talking about 2 teenagers in year 10?
My ds is 15 and hasn't had a gf yet, he's more interested in football at the minute but I'm sure that will change soon, we're very open about safe sex and he knows he can come to me with any worries/questions etc.

One of his best friends recently lost his virginity and it's caused absolute murder as they broke up, she told people, he told people and he's been threatened over it.

If they are old enough to be considering sex then they are old enough to have a conversation about it. I would rather they be safe then end up pregnant or infected with an std.

I don't envy you in this position Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2018 11:00

I’m also confused about the comments of invasion of privacy. Not there yet with my dd btw. Parents on here discuss that they should potentially have access at any time to their children’s social media accounts for their safety. These are accounts, which can only legally be set up at 13. Yet one year later at 14, accessing a social media account is a massive invasion of privacy.

As for contacting her mother op, she has got the implant. I can’t imagine that would be for heavy periods as suggested upthread. The implant seems too drastic at 14 for this reason and could be unsuccessful. How do you know she has the implant? Is that also from his messages?

Biologifemini · 26/05/2018 11:00

Firstly they should be using condoms due to the risk of HPV infection etc. Plus teens and their compliance with the pill may not be high.
Secondly they are too young.
You could well have a very angry mother on your doorstep in a few weeks.
I’d advise against.

viques · 26/05/2018 11:02

Please don't "message" her mother! Pick up the phone , talk to her, or, Even better go round and speak to her face to face. If the worst happens and the gf gets pregnant then she is the one who will be picking up the pieces .

Biologifemini · 26/05/2018 11:03

You need access to teens social media as it is involved in bullying and - lets be honest -teen boys are curious and if they start watching extreme porn then they won’t have a healthy attitude to sex.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 11:03

Mummyoflittledragon

That's why he's too young to be having sex. He can't run an instagram account without parental supervision. He shouldn't be putting his willy in anyone!

Ihearafanfare · 26/05/2018 11:04

The only girl who wasn’t a virgin at 14 had been raped. Sex changes everything, and because of the hormonal flood of oxytocin can make you feel bonded to someone you really shouldn’t be with, and break ups much harder to cope with. It is too much to deal with as a child.

It doesn’t sound like you’re making these statements from any kind of experience from the rest of your post. I had sex at nearly 15, it was totally fine, I didn’t feel ‘overly bonded’ whatever that means and have had a normal healthy sex life since with a lowish amount of partners and a happy marriage. Stop making grandiose statements based on something you’ve no experience of!

ALemonyPea · 26/05/2018 11:05

How old is his GF?

I have a just turned 15 year DS and I’d be discouraging it. You sound like you’re making a joke out of it all, or trying too hard to be the cool parent tbh.

duplodancer · 26/05/2018 11:05

I think you're dealing with this really well OP but I'd be inclined to tell the Mum too in a calm fashion. 14 does seem very young.
Although they'll do what they're going to do anyway and coming down like a ton of bricks only drives things underground.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 11:06

TheOriginalEmu

I don't think you can have that both ways. He's either old enough for intimate, private relationships (including sex) and therefore his mother shouldn't be reading his conversations, or he isn't, and he shouldn't be having sex.

What I want to know is, does the GF know his mother is reading their private talk about sex? It is a huge invasion of privacy and not remotely like reading what your 12 year old says to their mates online.

FrangipaniBlue · 26/05/2018 11:06

I sat on the Jury for a young man (18) standing trial for having sex with a child.

At the time of the "offence" he was 17 and she was 15 and they were in a relationship, but when they broke up her mum took her to the police to report him.

It was horrifically heartbreaking, I kept looking at him sitting in the dock crying thinking fuck, what if that was my DS in a few years time?

Life ruined rather than waiting one year until the girl was 16.

rainbowdashflip · 26/05/2018 11:06

Oh your such a caring mum... condoms and all that..
BUT your son is talking about what the law classes as rape...
At 14 the girl is underage.....
Maybe you should explain that to your son.

Erm, did you miss the part where the boy was also underage Hmm

Some people just talk the biggest lot of shite:

Tobesoconfused · 26/05/2018 11:07

Ihearafanfare
Agreed. I also had sex at 15 and it was in no way romantic as most first times are not but I'm not scarred by this, I wasn't in love with the person, I was infatuated and young but in no way did it make my attitude towards sex unhealthy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2018 11:08

Pengggwyn
Totally agree sex at this age is too young to deal with the consequences. I don’t think it’s abnormal for parents to keep an eye on social media accounts at this age for safety reasons. I don’t mean constantly reading messages, just looking from time to time to check all is well and no bullying etc. I think my dd would come to me. Or at least she does atm at almost 10. But who’s to say when she’s 13/14 and not all children are as willing to tell their parents things.

Hepzibar · 26/05/2018 11:08

Make sure you keep the messages.

I work with teens. seemingly consensual sex, after the event one party sometimes takes a different view, for whatever reasons.

Having the proof that it was discussed and agreed would help - if ever needed.

x2boys · 26/05/2018 11:10

I wish people would read the op , it clearly states they are both 14 , I wouldn't be happy if my son was having sex at that age either , but if they were I would want then to be fully informed and safe, and can people stop twittering on about statutory rape its not there's no such think in the UK and the are both 14 Hmm