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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:45

pilates

You haven't quite understood me, actually.

extinctspecies · 28/05/2018 09:46

If they are at the same school, and they want to have sex, they will find somewhere to do it while they are at school.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/05/2018 09:48

Watching their every move is treating them like 7 year olds. DD, if she wanted to, could go to the café, go clothes shopping, go to friends' houses, go to the park by herself, but you wouldn't allow a 14 year old the same freedom?

Dottydolly1 · 28/05/2018 09:50

I love how 'piss poor parenting' is being dragged into this.

I think it's piss poor parenting not to equip your child with the knowledge how to be safe at something you know they are curious about (and which we all went though)

I think it's piss poor parenting to bury your head in the sand and think it doesn't happen. Because it does.

I also think it's extremely niave to believe your teen is the angel you think they are who would just say 'okay mummy you don't want me to have sex so I wont'.

Teenagers rebel. They lie. They do things we don't like and have taught them not to do. There is nothing wrong with making sure they have the know how to deal with a situation SHOULD they find themselves in it. Nothing at all.

Keep them under lock and key and I guarantee you you will have a teenager who will never want to come to you when they do inevitably screw up and go against your advice anyway.

But hey what do we know. We're just piss poor parents because we think proper sex ed is important when our teenager has literally expressed an interest in having sex in front of our eyes.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:50

extinctspecies

Then that is a major safeguarding failure. Hmm

Tiredmummy83 · 28/05/2018 09:51

As a mum of a nearly 16yo DS I completely understand where you're coming from with the when you say your son was making noises about the condom converstion as I know mine would definitely be the same at any age- it's a son-mum thing! Although my son isn't sexually active yet as he hasn't had a gf yet (he's extremely shy) we have had a general talk about all the aspects of becoming sexually active (inc age of consent, legislation, etc!), as I'm sure by the sounds of it, you have too. But when he does have his first serious gf and the talk turns to specifically about him rather than in general I know my DS will be just as uncomfortable as yours is, whatever age that may be! But that doesn't make him immature- i know he'd talk to my partner about it without getting embarrassed.
Your DS sounds very mature, and is making the right steps.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:51

Dottydolly1

I said nothing about not equipping them with knowledge to keep them safe. I include in that knowledge of the law and the appropriate age at which to be exploring an intimate relationship.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:52

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks

Depending on whether I had grounded my 14 year old, of course I wouldn't. If they weren't grounded, all those things are fine.

Dottydolly1 · 28/05/2018 09:56

Pengggwn

I still think you're very niave to think a conversation about the law or what you deem to be an appropriate age is going to affect the choice of a horny teeanger but ok.

I'll get accused of trying to be a cool mum or a piss poor parent for not wanting to push my child away from having an open honest relationship with me.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:59

Dottydolly1

Well, we'll just have to agree to differ.

Tiredmummy83 · 28/05/2018 10:01

IMHO I wouldn't say to the gf's mum that you know they are planning on it, but I would gently ask her if she has had 'the talk with her daughter (but gently, not in a way that undermines her parenting). If it is true that she is arranging for her DD to have the implant it does seem that she is aware of what they are planning, but may not know how to broach the subject with you, probably for the same reasons you have mentioned!
I would invite her for a coffee- if your kids are getting that serious it would be a good idea to get to know the gf's mum.
Start the conversation such as..."our kids have been together a while, i (suspect/think/whichever appropriate word you wish to use) they are likely to be thinking of having sex, what's your thoughts/opinions on it?" Or something similar.
I.wouldn't say that you'd seen the messages to your son, but would keep a copy for consent reasons.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 10:07

And is nobody else interested in the OP's answer to whether the girlfriend knows her conversations with her boyfriend about sex are open to the boyfriend's mum? As her parent I would go ballistic if I found out another adult had been snooping on my child's intimate chat without her knowledge. Revolting.

blueluce85 · 28/05/2018 10:13

Pengggwn..... What exactly would you be grounding your child for? Thinking about having sex?

So they are being punished for having completely natural thoughts? Way to make your child develop a negative relationship with something perfectly natural.

OP I applaud you on how you are handling this. I hope when my daughter is of an age where this is relevant that I handle this as well as you, and that she feels she can come to me and discuss it all.

And for those posters who say it's an invasion of privacy to the son for looking through his messages.... Did no one read the part where the son knows his mum has access to it? I think it is safe to assume that if he knows OP can see it, that he knows she has read it!

TacoLover · 28/05/2018 10:23

blueluce85 but it's safe to assume that dd's mother wouldn't be happy knowing that her private conversations about sex are being looked at.

blueluce85 · 28/05/2018 10:30

Tacolover...... Who's to say her mum isn't looking at them her end?!

Wouldn't have an issue with a parent reading them, I'd have an issue with friends.... Or worse..... Strangers reading them!

notacooldad · 28/05/2018 10:35

Also it is statatory rape please make your son awear of the possible consequences
No it's not.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 11:18

blueluce85

Not at all. Thinking about sex isn't having sex where I come from.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 11:20

blueluce85

And I am not so worried about her invading his privacy (he knows she has access). Does his girlfriend know she has access, or is there an adult stranger reading her private thoughts about sex? That is weird.

Ihearafanfare · 28/05/2018 11:28

Pengggwn but STIs and pregnancy aren’t a worry here as the mum knows they’re talking about using protection and she’s talked to her son before about it. Plenty of people have lots of teenage sex and don’t have either of those things happen to them. Bring your children up sensibly and treat them with respect rather than ‘locking them up’

Ihearafanfare · 28/05/2018 11:33

In reality a 14 year old girl is not physically or mentally old enough to engage in an active sex life.

I managed it fine. As did lots of people I knew. Some 14 year olds may be, some may not be. There’s not a flip that switches at 16 that makes you ready. That’s why age of consent varies from country to country - there is no agreed consensus as to age. This is just your anecdotal opinion.

Bjhsum · 28/05/2018 11:41

Ihearafanfare
I agree with u. Although I am male I had my 1st load of tadpoles let lose at the age of 11 or 12 by a girl who was 15. Even to this day I look up to the heavens and thank her n still remember the rush of omg omg omg omfgggggg to this day. And like I I managed perfectly fine from there on.

GiddyGardner · 28/05/2018 12:06

@Luckything50 I have no useful advice, but I just wanted to show my support. I think you must be a wonderful parent, they are talking about contraception and your son seems cautious. Emotions can be so strong at that age, I wasn't ready until I was 18, but I know my brother DTD way younger, he was in a fairly long relationship from quite a young age. Teenagers will do what they want regardless. Hypothetically (because I can't speak from experience), I don't think I would tell the other mum, I think you should keep on being there for your son and keep talking to him, feeding him information, teenagers might not realise it, but good information may influence their decisions. But, please stop reading his SM. He believes he is an adult (even though he isn't, but it sounds like he is well on the way to being a responsible one), and you don't want to destroy the great relationship you have. I am nearly 40, and still cringe at having conversations about sex with my mum!

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 12:24

Ihearafanfare

Of course it's a risk. Condoms break. Inexperienced people don't use them properly. Horny people who believed the other one was going to bring the protection aren't necessarily going to wait.

No contraception is 100% no matter how careful you are.

zippey · 28/05/2018 13:51

I agree, we have to treat our kids with respect like the mini adults they are. You hope that they will have the sense and know-how to make good decisions after the years you have spent bringing them up. And if that means sex then that’s fine.

I think 14 is a little too young, but if they are nearly 15, and seem to have discussed iin a respectful relationship then that is a positive. Lots of people have sex below the age of consent.

As for an 18 and 14 year old, You are now comparing apples and oranges. I’d say it depends on the people and relationship, but the 18 year old is clearly an adult. The 14/15 year old is nearly an adult.

As for OP reading the messages, I think you should stop. However you seem to be handling the situation fine.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 14:06

As for an 18 and 14 year old, You are now comparing apples and oranges. I’d say it depends on the people and relationship...

So you're saying you might be okay with that? Shock

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