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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:05

If you can’t have a conversation about condoms you are too young to be having sex!!!!!

I'm 28 and do not want to talk about condoms with my mum

SilverHairedCat · 26/05/2018 10:05

Just on the point about law; whilst it is still illegal, its rarely prosecuted where consent is genuine:
England and Wales
The age of consent to any form of sexual activity is 16 for both men and women. The age of consent is the same regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of a person and whether the sexual activity is between people of the same or different gender.

It is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. However, Home Office guidance [1] is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age.

Home Office, Children and Families: Safer from Sexual Crime – The Sexual Offences Act 2003, London: Home Office Communications Directorate, 2004.

Nonamementioned · 26/05/2018 10:09

My DD had under aged sex at that age. Possibly slightly different as she said yes following him threatening to self harm.
It has really screwed with her self image and mental health.
I would do anything to have been able to intervene.
I really don't know how I'd react if I found out someone knew in advance and chose not to inform me. I do know that it wouldn't be pretty.

My advice would be to get a copy of the messages, warn your son and then speak to the mother. Tell your son that you aren't necessarily going to stop him but that all 4 of you should sit down and discuss the legalities and emotional consequences.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 26/05/2018 10:09

If he is not old enough to be allowed to chat to his GF without his mum reading all their (supposedly private) conversation, they are not old enough for sex!

Either you butt out and leave them to it, or you keep spying on his communications and treat him like a toddler

Make up your mind

As the mum of the daughter I'd find it beyond weird you were involved/overseeing their sexual experience

mummmy2017 · 26/05/2018 10:09

Oh your such a caring mum... condoms and all that..
BUT your son is talking about what the law classes as rape...
At 14 the girl is underage.....

Maybe you should explain that to your son.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2018 10:10

I'm 28 and do not want to talk about condoms with my mum

How odd, seriously.

TBH OP I'd be talking to him about it being a big decision - it sounds like his girlfriend is actually pressuring him into it and I think if the post had been the other way round the responses would have been different.

Thirtyrock39 · 26/05/2018 10:10

Have a chat with them about delay even though it's unlikely to stop them I don't think sex at 14 is going to be that great especially for her so if they can wait a while. Even a very mature 14 year old is still technically a child and may regret losing her virginity so young.

specialsubject · 26/05/2018 10:12

no statutory rape law in the uk.

if he makes childish noises at the idea of condoms then he is too immature for these grown up games. and as they are unlikely to stay together, are they both happy with the risk of the other telling the whole school.

the age of consent is there for a reason.

SilverHairedCat · 26/05/2018 10:12

Hardly odd, Teateaandmoretea. I'm 37 and have never ever had a conversation with either of my parents about contraception. Catholic mother, would be horrified if she knew a quarter of my secrets about sex. And I was nearly 18 before I had sex!

Original poster

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 10:12

Thank you all - interesting points. I'm surprised the legislation has been mentioned to the degree it has. I was going to talk to him about that aspect but suspect it won't register one iota when they are together so it is more the moral aspect than the legal one iyswim. I have a good relationship with him and talk about most things but like many (most?) teen boys talking about sex with your mum isn't high on his list of favourite things, hence the emoji. His gf's mum has apparently arranged the contraceptive implant so presumably has some idea of her daughter's intention and is being cautious.

OP posts:

KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 10:13

'statutory rape' 'consequences' Come the fuck on, they're 14 and 15, what consequences? they aren't going to get imprisoned.
Also OP, it's disturbing that you read your son's intimate, private chats. Don't do that anymore.

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:15

all 4 of you should sit down and discuss the legalities and emotional consequences.

What the actual hell!? Do any of you remember being teenagers!?

Teateaandmoretea No! Not odd- odd that you would want to do this, I can look after my own sexual health!

What is this Mumsnet expectation that all teenagers discuss their sex lives in absolute detail with their parents? You know they're going to do it- they know the risks. But as for blocking biological urges and quashing desire, good luck!

PeapodBurgundy · 26/05/2018 10:17

I wouldn't discourage personally. In all likelihood, once they've decided they want to have sex, they'll do it anyway. Better for them to be doing it safely, in a safe environment and with open channels of communication with a respectful and responsible adult than to be sneaking around trying to hide what they're doing.
I slept with my first proper boyfriend at a similar age. Had a conversation with DM first, and she went out and got a box of condoms (so did DP at the time). We'd been dating for a year and a half at that point, and continued to date until we were 18 when circumstances (me going to uni and him joining the RAF) made dating difficult, and we decided we were too young to do the whole long distance thing. We're still in touch now and socialise with our current partners.
The alternative to that lovely scenario could have been us fumbling about in the corner of a park somewhere, or me not doing it with my lovely DP at the time, and wasting my first time on somebody random down the line. In similar circumstances, I would 100% act in the same way DM did with my children. (By similar circumstances, I do mean a relationship with maturity and understanding on both sides, not just '14 is old enough'.

As for telling her DM, I think a heads up would be nice just so they're aware and can talk to their daughter the same way you've talked to your son. I would want to know in those circumstances (they may even know already).

SoWakeUp · 26/05/2018 10:17

Re the law, I understand that it is rarely used but I that doesnt mean that i wouldn't mention it. I get that he has talked about using condoms, her being on the pill etc but I would still argue that they are too young.

The laughing emoji combined with what I perceived to be a missing and relevant part in the OP kind of made me concerned.

VioletCharlotte · 26/05/2018 10:18

I wish people would read the post properly! The gf is 14, it says so in the title. The OPs DS is also 14.
He could not be accused of statutory rape, nor will he be prosecuted.

They're experiencing all the normal feelings that two teenagers, raging with hormones have when they fancy someone.

I wouldn't tell him you've read his messages. The only time I'd do this is if I found something really worrying, like drugs, for example. Two 14 year olds, in a relationship, talking about having sex aren't doing anything wrong and shouldn't be made to feel that they are. If he knows you've read his messages, it'll completely break the trust he has in you.

However, I do agree that 14 is too young. I think all you can do is continue to have open conversations with him and try and encourage him to make the right decision.

I wouldn't tell her Mum you've read the messages, but maybe have a chat and say you've noticed the relationship seems to be getting more intense and you don't want them to do anything they could regret. Hopefully she's already clocked this and will be having similar conversations with her daughter.

At the end of the day, you can't stop them, but you can help them make the right decisions and stay safe.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2018 10:18

It's not about discussing details of your sex life. Contraception to most adults is just part of life, I find it really odd that you'd avoid it as a subject anymore than popping a paracetamol for a headache .

But obviously we all think differently.

PeapodBurgundy · 26/05/2018 10:19

Cross posted OP. No need to contact her mother if she's already aware and happy for her daughter to make that decision

CauliflowerBalti · 26/05/2018 10:19

I wouldn’t talk to his girlfriend’s mum, no. It sounds like she’s got her daughter covered anyway - contraception-wise, at least. You need to do all you can to keep lines of communication open with your son if you are to be of any use to both of them.

I lost my virginity at 13. I was in a happy, loving relationship that lasted until I was 18, and have zero regrets. My mum knew but didn’t really approve. I couldn’t talk to her about it. It wouldn’t have changed anything, but having someone to talk to would have helped.

So I’d talk to your son about the softer, more complicated side of sex. How to be respectful and respect her wishes. That it REALLY isn’t like porn. His girlfriend won’t look or behave like that and he shouldn’t expect her to. Explain what to do if the condom splits.

Tell him his girlfriend can talk to you about anything if she feels she can’t talk to her own mother - but honestly, it sounds like she can.

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:20

if he makes childish noises at the idea of condoms then he is too immature for these grown up games.

My God- at our sex ed lesson in school we were all absolutely hysterical and blew the condoms up into balloons. All of us were laughing our heads off and even the teacher was in stitches by the end of it.

I was already having sex by this point.

pilates · 26/05/2018 10:20

I think you need to have another conversation with your son about the risks involved. Condoms splitting, the importance of taking the pill regularly, etc. They both need to realise that if she was to get pregnant and have a baby it won’t just effect their lives but both sides parents. Perhaps he is feeling a bit out of his depth and may be not 100% about it himself.

FuzzyCustard · 26/05/2018 10:20

If talking about condoms makes your DS feel sick he is too young for the emotional responsibility of having sex. Please discourage him.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 10:21

14 !! That is years too young to be having sex. Yes I would tell her mother, of course. If she gets pregnant then it is the girl and her family who will be dealing with either the trauma of an abortion, while she is at a crucial point in school, or a baby that she is too young to parent. Frankly I think if you are too young to deal alone with getting pregnant, and you would need your Mum too help you to either bring up your baby or go through a termination, then you are far, far too young to be having sex. The fact that your dd is too immature to see this shows that he is still a child.

KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 10:21

all 4 of you should sit down and discuss the legalities and emotional consequences.

For heavens sake. If I'd had to sit down with my boyfriend and our parents at 15 to talk about the ins and outs of sex I would have died, I suppose to make it worse for them you could also discuss how masturbation is a fab alternative. And there are no legalities, they're the same age.

00100001 · 26/05/2018 10:22

Sounds a bit like the girl is pressuring him into sex.

rightwellthen · 26/05/2018 10:22

We have a huge whiteboard in the office at work and someone has always drawn a cock and balls on it, which we all find really funny.

So, why is it such a big deal when a teenage boy can't take a chat about condoms (with his mum!) seriously!? I'm laughing at this thread right now! Poor kid has no hope!

Not laughing at you OP- but at these responses!

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