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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
Ceecee18 · 26/05/2018 15:50

The law states that under 16s cannot consent, regardless of gender. So the OPs DS is legally not considered able to give consent either. The police won't prosecute two teens for having consensual sex when only months apart in age.

As for the situation OP, I think you need to have a chat with your DS and tell him you have seen the messages and that you don't think its appropriate yet. But saying that I had sex at 15 and teens will find some way to have sex if they want to. At least you know that she's being sensible and going on the pill.

titchy · 26/05/2018 15:51

If they have sex your DS could be arrested for statutory rape, even though he is also under 16. Though that's unlikely to happen.

Very unlikely indeed seeing as there's no such law.

The law does not say a child under 16 cannot consent. The law regards a child under 13 as unable to consent as they don't have the maturity to understand fully the consequences of consenting. A 14 CAN legally consent. Unless they have a cognitive impairment. Which would be one hell of a drip feed.

titchy · 26/05/2018 15:53

For clarity - it is illegal to have sex with someone under 16.

However if consent was given, legally it is NOT rape.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 26/05/2018 15:55

They will do it whether their parents agree or not — is such a bullshit get out.

I was pregnant at 15. What I really needed was an adult to sit down and discuss why I wanted to be sexually active at that time, why I wanted to be in an sexually active relationship. Why did I feel it was necessary, what if I had a bad experience, how would I cope with the aftermath, what if the relationship ended shortly afterwards - at the age of 15 would I want to engage with sexual activity with every young boy I started to see after that, would they expect sex as I’d had it in a previous relationship. How would I feel if the school gossips got wind.

Too often trendy parents on here are gagging to be that cool parent who is ‘friends’ with their kids - instead of actually being a fucking parent , protecting their kids physically and mentally.

Honestly OP either this is s wind up or you need to start being a responsible adult and let her mum know Hmm

imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 15:56

@titchy it's illegal for someone over 16 to have sex with someone under 16 even if they do 'consent'

x2boys · 26/05/2018 15:59

yes but as they are both 14 Imean that's it relevant .

x2boys · 26/05/2018 15:59

irrelevant ffs*

EleanorLavish · 26/05/2018 16:02

WhatThe excellent post, I agree.
Even when I was 18yo I wish I had been able to talk to someone about sex etc as I was out of control. Can't even imagine it at 14yo.
It's too young OP.

colouringinagain · 26/05/2018 16:02

Not not just you crispbutty and I agree with a lot of whattheactual says too.

I think it's really important to have a more in depth chat to your ds. A sexual relationship is a significant step and as others have said there are consequences. If it was me I'd also want to make sure he wasn't feeling under pressure.

Yes too to keeping copies of consent messages. Teenage relationships can turn very sour and she is under 16.

DailyMailFail101 · 26/05/2018 16:03

If they want to do it then they will, nothing you do or say will discourage them, may as well have them under your roof than in cars or wherever else they find. The only problem you going to talk to the girls Mum is your son probably won’t trust you again and may not talk to you about things in the future.

You are a good parent checking up on your son it’s your sons girlfriends parents to check what’s happening in their child’s life, it’s not your job. Leave it be, we all know what teenagers are like.

imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:08

Do people here actually let their 14 year old DCs take their big/gf in their bedroom?

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 26/05/2018 16:13

Yeah daily .. just turn the other cheek then come on here spitting when she is pregnant

mrscraig · 26/05/2018 16:14

@Whattheactualfuckmate brilliant post. I utterly agree. I see so many parents acting 'cool' and being their teens friend. They only have one mum. And they need you to be there in that capacity just as much as they did when they were toddlers.

titchy · 26/05/2018 16:16

it's illegal for someone over 16 to have sex with someone under 16 even if they do 'consent'

I know. But it isn't rape.

VileyRose · 26/05/2018 16:16

I agree with that post whatthe and crisp

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titchy · 26/05/2018 16:26

I wasn't replying to you learned - I was just agog at the posters who think this is a rape situation when clearly it isn't.

Beeziekn33ze · 26/05/2018 16:33

The mother surely knows if she is organising a contraceptive implant.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 26/05/2018 16:35

Beez she might not. My step ‘mother’ took me to the gp at 14 and I was put on the pill. I was pregnant six months later as I didn’t have the real support I should have had

Dottydolly1 · 26/05/2018 16:45

I lost my virginity at 15 and I can honestly say I would have done it regardless of my parents wishes.

Luckily both my mum and my partners mum were very open about it with both of us (my mum spoke to me and his to him) she bought him condoms and my mum took me to the GP to discuss contraception.

Surely it's better to help your child make the right decisions for safe sex than to 'ban' them from doing it at all. As I said, I know we would have found a way regardless and I doubt it would have been as safe or protected.

My dad on the other hand would have gone absolutely batshit! I didn't even want to tell him at 25 years old I was pregnant because he'd know I'd had sex haha.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 16:48

Year EIGHT ?? . That doesn’t seem true here thankfully (remote and rural) .

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 26/05/2018 16:48

My phone's restricted me from googling v card. 😭

Beaverhausen · 26/05/2018 16:50

Me personally I would contact mother, meet up and have a chat and decide together to talk to the lovebirds together.

But you need to be on the same page and suggest you approach it sensitively or they might keep things from you in the future.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 16:52

I really don’t understand the “if they want to do it then they will anyway “ argument. Would that apply to anything else then ? Drugs, for instance ? Would you help a child get hard drugs because the alternative might be that they could take drugs in less safe conditions ? Or alcohol? Or driving without a licence ?

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