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Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 15:17

irma So your kids aren't allowed out unaccompanied until they are 16?!

speakout · 27/05/2018 15:19

So how do you plan to prevent your teenager having sex?

A 14 year old child?

Easy.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 15:21

Tell me how you can stop them if it's so easy?

IrmaFayLear · 27/05/2018 15:24

Of course they are, but at the first sniff of any untoward activity they’d be confined to barracks. And at 14 my dcs’ outings were/are trips to the shops or to a sleepover. Certainly no hanging around after school or at playgrounds etc.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 15:26

irma How would you even know? I was alone between school finishing and my mum coming home. I had sex in the time gap with my boyfriend without my parents having a clue about it. Folk are being so naive and smug thinking they could stop it.

x2boys · 27/05/2018 15:28

surely that means that your kids just won't talk to you about things and do stuff behind your back ,? I repeat that I do not think that young teenagers having sex is a good idea but I would hope that my son talk to me when hes teenager

IrmaFayLear · 27/05/2018 15:32

Of course some kids get up to mischief in secret, but in the case of the OP she has full knowledge, so there is her opportunity to say, “Like hell you’re going to have sex, young fellow me lad. You are GROUNDED (forever)” .

Big row ensues. But whatever, it’s the parents job to handle the situation, not to buy condoms, fgs.

Eolian · 27/05/2018 15:36

I'd say that most of the parental job of stopping your child from having underage sex, taking drugs etc takes place looong before they are a teenager. Once they are a teenager and subject to the raging hormones, it's too late unless you are willing to take extreme steps to physically bar them from temptation. It's all about their upbringing so far, the attitudes they've grown up with, the kind of people they hang out with, the influences they've been under. The 14 year-olds that don't have sex are subject to the same hormonal development. What stops them? I'm pretty sure it's not being locked up and banned from leaving the house. It is your responsibility to tell the girl's mother, OP.

x2boys · 27/05/2018 15:42

it depends on the 14 yr old though because when I was 14 I didn't have boyfriends , I was very shy and a bit of a geek tbh over the next few years that changed as I grew in confidence and I didn't have sex untill I was 18 , had I been more confident and had boyfriends younger , well who knows ?

speakout · 27/05/2018 15:46

Eolian I agree.

And I would take it a step further- in fact as a response to Nicknacky too. It's about self esteem, it's not about policing or stopping- it's about self value- for boys and girls- for not seeking self worth outside of self.
If we raise our children to value themselves then they don't need to seek validation- especially the hollow sexual validation at such an early age.

reallyanotherone · 27/05/2018 15:48

*The law doesn’t seek to prosecute two closely aged young people who have sex

It’s there to protect young people from those much older than them, taking advantage*

Not strictly. It is there to stop any age of taking advantage.

So a 15 yo and 17 yo schoolfriends, fine. But if the 17 yo is a scout leader or sports coach, not fine.

Dottydolly1 · 27/05/2018 15:48

I still don't see a problem with having a conversation about safe sex with your child even if you do intend to keep them under house arrest. Even if there is the tiniest possibility they could go behind your back surely it's better to ensure they know what is safe.

No one here is saying they agree 14 year olds should be having sex. No one. What a few of us have pointed out is that burying your head in the sand and pretending it doesn't happen can be just as dangerous.

Yes we are parents and we want what is best. But our children (and more so teenagers for certain) often don't take the route we would like. Surley our job is to yes encourage and advise correct behavior first and foremost BUT to be the person they come to when they inevitably screw up from time to time.

I for one know I want my child to be comfortable coming to me when they make mistakes even if it's something I've directly told them I don't want them doing. You risk your child going behind your back and then feeling they need to deal with consequences alone because they cannot approach you.

This isn't about being a 'cool laid back mum' who doesn't care what their kids get up to. It's about wanting to be the person my kid comes to for help and knowing they can talk to me about all the funny feelings and curiosity's that come with growing up! We've all been through it.

IrmaFayLear · 27/05/2018 15:56

Frankly some with-it mum gurning at you and being cool about condoms would surely be enough to cool anyone’s ardour...

x2boys · 27/05/2018 16:12

well that's true IrmaGrin

VintageVelvet · 27/05/2018 16:16

‘Also OP, it's disturbing that you read your son's intimate, private chats. Don't do that anymore’

As far as I am concerned I pay the phone bills so damn right I will read everything on my DD’s phone. She is 13 and if I read this I would be removing phone, calling other kids parent.... I will behave like this until she is 18. My job is to raise, protect and guide. The idea of 14 year olds having sex is abhorrent to me.

I have friends who have been more relaxed and I judge. At 14 they are still children. No fucking way would I be anywhere near relaxed about this.

I find it bizarre that anyone could be relaxed about this. We as adults know what having sex means and how it affects us emotionally. They are children!!!

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 16:25

Yeah far better never to speak to teens about safe sex. Great idea and they will stop them having sex.

speakout · 27/05/2018 16:40

Yeah far better never to speak to teens about safe sex.

I am not suggesting this

Children having sex is not cool.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 16:48

No it's not cool and I really don't want my 14 year old doing it. But it's a possibility and I would rather she were safe if she chose to do it.

speakout · 27/05/2018 16:58

Nicknacky but it's better to parent in a way where a 14 year old child prefers sex not to be an option.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 17:00

speak that's very idealistic but I can't force someone else how to think and act.

speakout · 27/05/2018 17:04

Nicknacky as a parent you have steerage on self esteem.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 17:10

Of course you do but you don't have control of anyone else's emotion or actions. Having sex at 14 isn't a definite sign of low self esteem.

speakout · 27/05/2018 17:16

A child having sex is alarming to me.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 17:26

Clearly it is alarming to you but they are doing it. I did it at 14, almost 15

nannygoat50 · 27/05/2018 17:27

You are very blasé about this. And not only should you be telling her parents you should also be discouraging your son. It is illegal firstly and they are too young