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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 08:47

x2boys

Why is it entirely different? Genuinely asking.

Grandmaswagsbag · 28/05/2018 08:49

FFS, 14/15 yo are going to have sex. You can be in a loving committed relationship at that age (I was and he’s now my husband, we’ve been together since that age). They’re are clearly putting some thought and planning into it and it’s responsible of parents to accept that your kids may have underage sex and make sure they know how to be safe.

x2boys · 28/05/2018 08:54

because of the age gap an 18 yr old could be seen to be taking advantage of a 14 yr old and might be more likely to coerce ? also reading the link it states that police and CPS would not be seeking to prosecute if both the teenagers are a similar age I'm not sure about 14 and 18 though it's a fairly big age gap (imo) maybe someone with more knowledge can enlighten us as to wether the police would be more likely to prosecute? And at 14 and 18 one person is an adult the other is not .

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 08:56

x2boys

Well, for me that is the issue: at 14 the person is a child. They shouldn't be having sex, either with an adult or with another child. That is the distinction, isn't it? They are below the age of consent, ergo they can't consent. Whether a prosecution is on the public interest is irrelevant to whether we should, as parents, say check on, 'have a blast'. Hmm

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 08:57

*crack on

x2boys · 28/05/2018 08:58

I don't disagree Pengwwwn but if they are going to have sex and many 14 yr olds do wether we like it or not I would want them to safe .

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/05/2018 09:00

Because Pengwwwn an 18 year old and a 25 year old are both adults, a 14 year old is a child and an 18 year old is an adult. My husband's 13 years older than me, but that's okay, because I'm an adult.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/05/2018 09:02

But the consent law only applies if one of them is over 18.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:04

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks

I'm sure this has been debated already, but can you point to your source for this assertion?

And if that is the case, what's the issue with ten year olds having sex with other ten year olds? What does it mean to be a child if it doesn't mean you shouldn't be shagging?

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:05

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks

If a 14 year old is a child, they shouldn't be having sex. Not with other 14 year olds, not with twelve year olds, not with anyone.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:06

x2boys

That's an excuse for piss-poor parenting, in my view.

DiWoo · 28/05/2018 09:16

You say the other mum has a job where she meets a lot of teens, how about asking to meet up for a coffee and asking her opinion? You don’t need to just blurt this out unsubtley but the conversation could be steered that way (“our kids are in a relationship and if they stay together there’ll probably come a time when they’ll be thinking about having sex”), she may have the best advice plus it’s her daughter so she may know best if she’s ready to embark on her sexual journey. As a mum of a teen daughter, I’d prefer to know.
However as it’s the girl seemingly trying to persuade your son (well I would be having the chat anyway), I’d also be having a chat with him about the consequences, about RL v porn sex and whether he’s ready, like someone else said, there’s not really any going back, for either of them, once they’ve begun.
I would though, be grateful that they’re in a relationship rather than it being a quick fumble with any old person, then they can learn together, that’s my only regret at how I lost my virginity (at 16)

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/05/2018 09:16

Do you think that people just flip over from childhood into adulthood Pengwwwn? Adolescence is a period of years. I wouldn't have been ready at 14, but I was kept very young by my DGPs. I may also have ASC, I'm in the middle of an assessment. A girl in my class was pregnant at 15, she could have done with being taken to the FPC by her mum.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:18

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks

No, I think adulthood comes later than 14 and I think the age of consent is there for a reason, because the vast majority of 14 year olds aren't ready for sexual relationships.

ferntwist · 28/05/2018 09:19

OP have you decided what to do?

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:20

And if it should move in any direction it should be up!

Pictureiswonky · 28/05/2018 09:23

The age of consent was 13 in my country when I was growing up. (Changed now). I remember being that age and I was simply not ready so nothing happened. By 15 I definitely was.

I don't think young people think about the legislation so much. If they are ready, nothing is going to stop them. They'll find a way and it's our job as parents to make sure they feel confident to say No to anything they don't want.

Personally I would speak to my son but not to the girl's mum

x2boys · 28/05/2018 09:25

how would you stop them having sex the Pennngwn, lock them up ?

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:29

x2boys

That's quite a short-term solution, isn't it? I would certainly limit opportunities for them to be alone. I would supervise them over social media. I would impress upon them that they are below the age of consent. I would talk to the other mother. I would remove privileges. I would ground my child. I would take steps to prevent them, rather than just saying meh.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 28/05/2018 09:35

Wow. limit opportunities for them to be alone. So, treat them like 7 year olds. You'd take your DC to and from school, would you? DD's already allowed by the school to walk home alone at 10. I encourage this independence.

x2boys · 28/05/2018 09:35

you could do that of course but then what if they feel like they can't talk to you and start having unsafe sex? an underage teenage pregnancy is the last thing anyone wants , I stress that I really don't want my son to be having sex at 14 but it does happen and if they are going to do it they need to be safe .

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:40

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks

No, treat them like 14 year olds.Hmm

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 09:41

x2boys

Then they're even dafter than I worry that they are, but that doesn't negate my responsibility as a parent. It's such a cop-out.

pilates · 28/05/2018 09:43

Pengggwyn, make your mind up. You say I would supervise them over social media but one of your first posts was to berate the op over reading private conversations.

x2boys · 28/05/2018 09:44

well we will have to agree to disagree .