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Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
FaveNumberIs2 · 27/05/2018 17:34

Please, please don’t go too overboard, it might push them one way or the other. The worst thing you and the other mum can do, is divide them as this will push them more into doing it.

Also, please, please read up on the law, especially the Romeo/Juliette part of it.

Be supportive, be kind, dissuade if possible and remember, we were all young once, and we’ve all done stuff we are not proud of.

Dottydolly1 · 27/05/2018 17:39

You must all live in some ideal world that I am not part of where your children (teenagers especially) listen and take on board everything you tell them.

Again it isn't about whether or not 14 year olds should be having sex. Of course they should not! But sometimes they do... You can't deny it simply because you don't agree with it.

We should be advising and steering and discouraging our children from doing so definitely. 100%. but I still feel it is far more responsible to ALSO make sure they know how to be safe.

Place them under house arrest, ban them from seeing their gf/bf, refuse to let them out of your sight whatever you do it is still irresponsible to not fully educate your child in something they are curious about (and naturally will be as they go through teenage years).

Kayzarimya1 · 27/05/2018 17:43

I would actually discourage as they under age and too young to be having sex. If that fails you have to give the being responsible, protection talk. I think you should speak to the GF mum so she can have a talk with her also. The kids do not need to know you spoke with the mum.

Thorsday · 27/05/2018 17:46

90% of 14/15 year olds when I was in school were having some kind of sexual contact. I'm not saying it's right, but it's going to happen at some point whether the parents want it or not. It's just up to parents to teach their kids that it's a big responsibility and not something to be taken lightly or just to do because everybody else is doing it.

You can't ban them from having sex, sadly.

PatriarchyPersonified · 27/05/2018 17:47

It's interesting that the posters who think they will get into legal trouble for this (they won't) are only referring to the boy being charged. Why wouldn't the girl be in the same trouble? Especially as it sounds like she is the instigator.

Because only men/boys can get charged for sex crimes. 🤔

lily2403 · 27/05/2018 17:52

I’m a but stuck on the snooping part.
Yes they are young and education and awareness is key...but nobody ever hears/sees anything good when snooping. I remember going nuts upon finding mum reading my diary, trust gone why would anybody listen to anyone who they don’t trust

PolarBearkshire · 27/05/2018 17:53

Not a big deal. Just sit down and have a talk about how different is sex from porn sex and that is paramount to use contraception at all times or babies will just appear out if blue.
I wouldnt tell anybody else. Strange they are discussing things like that on instagram- do they do that for attention? For a thrill that others can read it? I find it more disturbibg than teens wanting sex....

Dottydolly1 · 27/05/2018 17:59

@Polar I think it might be private messaging on Instagram. I'd find it very weird if it were open for all to see!

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 18:00

It will be private message on Instagram not on the actual social media part

Micksee15 · 27/05/2018 18:03

if they were planning for example a robbery, would you tell her parents?
it's a crime, a sexual offence.
do not take this lightly otherwise you could find yourself with very very angry parents at your door.

x2boys · 27/05/2018 18:17

a robbery is very different to sex , the police would take a robbery very seriously, two underage 14 year olds having sex not so much , nobody wants their14 year old to be having sex but pretending it doesn't happen doesn't help anyone either , there also a big difference between the cool mum handing out condoms to the mum saying I don't want you to do this and these are the reasons why , but if you are going to do make sure you are safe .

Bjhsum · 27/05/2018 18:18

I don't see an issue here as much as it is a problem. The issue is as most of the contributors would have experienced sex at an age with no regards to legislation themselves. As you n us all know that whatever you attempt the situation will be if they want to have sex together they will regardless of any pep talks you give. Unless you lock them in their ivory tower it will happen.
The problem here is this. Legally no two people can consentingly participate in sexual acts under the age of 16. However, more issues stem from this. The 1st problem, it is only a crime if reported by the victim. Can you recognise which one is the victim seeing as by your own admission they have both been discussing mutual consent of having sex. The 2nd problem, unless you become the shadow of son or sexual partner how will u ever know they have gone through with the deed unless they inform you which is highly unlikely esp of the son who isn't comfortable discussing contraception let alone the joys of their exploration. And the 3rd problem, maybe both are found to be as bad as each other and both get held in youth custody which I am sure nobody wants of their child.
Just face it, what they are preparing for is part of life. You're only best advice is to plead and discourage as much as possible and hope your words of wisdom prevail long enough in their hormonal loins to hold off until they see sense which I doubt will happen until they're in their 30's. Just hope they have the sense to use contraception if they both decide they want to give it a try. Remember it's not a crime discussing what comes natural and I think you may need to discuss it with OPM and as experienced women make her see sense and then both u and OPM jointly sit down with son or both and treat them as adults n discourage them for another yr at least.

extinctspecies · 27/05/2018 18:20

If two 14 year olds want to have consensual sex with each other there is no way you will be able to stop them short of locking them up separately.

You can try to discourage them, but they most likely won't listen, and above all make sure they have access to contraception & understand about safe sex, and be supportive if the emotional side of things gets difficult.

And I'd find a way of letting the girl's mum know gently if you can manage it without betraying anyone's confidence. But don't tell your DS or he will beg you not to say anything & then you'll have to go against his wishes.

Gregpenguin · 27/05/2018 18:27

Only skimmed through some of the responses and I have to say I think they are crazy. I don’t know why everyone is going on about it being illegal they are both underage so would never get prosecuted. Statutory rape ? For who the girl or boy they are both underage.

Personally I wouldn’t discourage it, ino at 14/15 I was mature enough to make my own descions. I’m fact I lost my virginity on my 15th birthday to my now dh we have been together 12 years married 7 and have 2 dc who were both born after we married. So from that respect when my dd gets to that age I know that I will have to accept it and make sure she is safe otherwise surely I would be being a hypocrite.

MRSsqueak · 27/05/2018 18:32

some of the comments here are mad Shock they are 14 and 15? how is that rape??? its only rape if he is over 16 and she is under 16 or the other way round Hmm

polsha · 27/05/2018 18:32

maybe both are found to be as bad as each other and both get held in youth custody which I am sure nobody wants of their child.

Good bit of scaremongering going on here. Neither one of them will be getting taken into custody

Roversandrhodes · 27/05/2018 19:03

I don’t think you should tell her mother ,it’s none of your business .I think you need to discuss how important safe and consensual sex is with your son.Not saying he would have sex without consent just discuss it .Id leave it at that .

Roversandrhodes · 27/05/2018 19:05

Who are these people going on about it being a crime 😂😂
I hope you and everyone you went to school with had sex at 16 or over and never did anything stupid as a teen .
Crime ffs get a grip !

extinctspecies · 27/05/2018 19:13

It's also worth pointing out that in some European countries the age of consent is 14.

polsha · 27/05/2018 19:37

It's also worth pointing out that in some European countries the age of consent is 14

Why is that worth pointing out?

I’m always a bit bemused when people try to cite laws from abroad to validate an opinion. If you can’t make your point without resorting to someone else’s law, that’s a wee indication your point maybe isn’t as valid as you think it is.

Kami333 · 27/05/2018 19:40

They're going to do it whatever the law says. Glad you can have an open conversation with him. I would encourage him to get his girlfriend to talk to someone. Mothers aren't always the best but she may have someone else/ access to family planning clinic. That way she can het some responsible advice as well x

Annewilko4 · 27/05/2018 19:50

There is so much pressure on young people to have sex. It's a positive that they are discussing contraception, they also need to be talking about emotions and feelings. Whilst they are physically able to have sex, I doubt they're emotionally ready.
The onus is obviously on you to discuss this with your son.

Should you tell the girl's mum. I've thought about this for a few hours and yes you probably should.
It would benefit both young people if their parents were on the same page. Although the other mum may already know the plan, girls are a bit more open in my experience.
If they feel they are in a loving long term relationship, it won't hurt them to wait another few months.
Good luck with your decision.

Hellsbells35 · 27/05/2018 19:52

I think that you are invading your sons privacy by reading his messages. He would be mortified if he knew. You shouldn’t have this information and it would be wrong to act upon it. They are being sensible and discussing it...much better than doing it with a stranger at a party at 18. Leave them too it - you can’t determine how they feel. If you step in he may never forgive you

extinctspecies · 27/05/2018 19:56

They could go on holiday to Austria, Italy or Germany and have sex perfectly "legally" there.

Which just shows that 16 is not some magic age when you are suddenly 'ready' for sex. It is fairly arbitrary and as many PPs have pointed out the law is there to protect young people from being exploited by much older people. Rather than two 14 year olds who seem to be carefully considering what is a big next step in their relationship.

If the girl has already said she is going on the pill, maybe her Mum already knows? I don't know if you need parental consent if you are under 16.

pepsimaxaddict · 27/05/2018 20:11

You can’t stop them. All you can do is make sure they are prepared, safe and willing to talk to you. If they want to have sex, they will do whether you tell her mum or not- only difference is you will have ruined your trust with your son.

Give him condoms. Give him advice.

That might be controversial, but as a 15 year old who was sexually active and whose parents tried to prevent it... I believe this is the better approach.

And I don’t blame you for your attitude- in my world 15 year olds are sexually active, it’s a regular occurrence and something you have to accept rather than hide from.