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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:

Bjhsum · 27/05/2018 20:25

It's good to see that OP's reaction is mellowed to emotions and common sense approaches to the problem rather than trying to jump on a horse that is just about to go into a Gallop and get it all wrong.
Personally, I do think it is an invasion of OP personal belongings and private thoughts but as a parent, there is a fine line between being responsible and acting responsibly. What I mean by this is 'yes' your son is a minor and 'yes' he deserves his privacy, however, acting responsibly and having a prerogative in reading his diary means the privilege is all yours and for you to keep his personal thoughts tightly locked up in the back of your brainbox. The rationale for this is for reasons of intimacy and his personal feelings about the fairer sex should be his and his alone to either keep them private or share with OP who he trusts. IF you are not on that list then treat him as a young man growing up and respect him. Now on the flipside to this if you had read he was thinking of joining a radical organisation that was detrimental to the way you had raised him and against all the values and beliefs you had tried to install on him and those comments were going towards endangering himself and others then everyone on this forum would be jumping all over you and asking why you hadn't acted. This is the difference between responsible and responsibility and good parenting. So leave him to it and be the excellent mum that you sound like you are. Also a big thumbs up and cyber cuddle for sharing such a compassionate topic. It's time for me to ponder over my thoughts if my sister who caught me a good few times up to no good during those tender hormonal years at home and bless her that she kept what she saw and read to just us.

Itsonlyorangejuice · 27/05/2018 20:48

Seems as though very very few of you here remember being 14/15 years old and how rampant teenagers can be! There is nothing unusual about teenagers having sex at this age - despite what the law says. I am actually quite impressed at the level of thought they’re putting into it though; taking sensible precautions, asking each other if they still want to etc..... I recall many of my peers at that age lost their virginity either a) under pressure or b) to someone they barely knew or had no feelings for. I wish everyone had the kind of connection at 14/15 that this young couple seems to.

Itsonlyorangejuice · 27/05/2018 20:57

*IrmaFayLear

Of course they are, but at the first sniff of any untoward activity they’d be confined to barracks. And at 14 my dcs’ outings were/are trips to the shops or to a sleepover. Certainly no hanging around after school or at playgrounds etc.*

Hilarious!! You literally have no clue what can be achieved under guise of a ‘trip to the shops’ or, even more so, a ‘sleepover’. Let me guess, you’re also dropping them off and picking them up, right? So absolutely nothing can be awry?? Brilliant - I’m not suggesting by the way that your 14-year old is off shagging behind Primark by the way, I’m just saying that it’s very very easy to forget how the teenage mind works when it’s your own child you’re thinking about. But any parent that can say ‘Stop a 14-year old from having sex? Easy’ is absolutely fucking deluded. At 14/15, if they want to, they’ll find a way.

Ihearafanfare · 27/05/2018 23:26

irmafaylear unfortunately authoritarian approaches likes yours can often have the opposite effect to that which you desire. There are two teenagers who love each other and having sensible serious conversations about having sex. Your response would be to ‘keep them under lock and key till they’re 18’. I’m afraid you’d probably lose that child if you had such little respect for them and their decisions.

There also seems to be a lot of panic on this thread about teenagers having sex - yet everyone who it’s actually happened to that’s posted has said it’s been fine. Stop worrying. Teenage sex is as old as the hills

2ManyChoices · 27/05/2018 23:57

Actually, for all those legal eagles, the legislation re age of consent only applies if one partner is OVER the age of consent and the other UNDER it.

Tell the other mum, she'll thank you, but ask her not to directly insinuate that 'so and sos mum told me...' becaus ethatbwpuld be betraying he trust your son has in you. As a mum of a, now, 19 year old boy, I've been in your shoes. I don't envy you!!!

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 05:27

As is teenage pregnancy and as are teenage STIs. I have seen girls drop out of full-time education because of pregnancy at 15. It is not 'authoritarian' to want to protect your child from underage sex.

Toomanytealights · 28/05/2018 06:46

Teenage pregnancies are dropping. Teenagers are far more savvy and informed these days as illustrated in the op. Still in two camps re contacting the mum as feeling slightly ill at ease re the snooping on private messages. Bit of an invasion of privacy for both teens. I would be having another chat and say whilst I accept they are at an age where it is perfectly normal to want to have sex it would be preferable to wait a little longer and think about long term relationships. I think my dc would listen. However I would also say if they chose to disregard my advice condom usage was crucial both as an STD protection but also as a protection against pregnancy. Relying on somebody you're not long into a relationship with or somebody you're not planning on having kids with to be responsible for protection is very foolhardy. That is where I'd lay down the law.

Toomanytealights · 28/05/2018 06:54

As in my law so to speak.

I'd let him know what his responsibilities would be if he chose to ignore my advice;the realities of having a child and how his life would be impacted.I'd let him know that I wouldn't be giving up work to bail either of them out. I'd scare him shiftless basically.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/05/2018 06:58

I'd be reading my teen's messages at 14 (he's 13 and not on SM - we haven't allowed it yet, but he's also not interested after hearing of the sort of things that get shared on WhatsApp groups). It's not an invasion of privacy when I'm ultimately responsible for any mistakes they make. And if I'd read messages like these I would be sitting both down for a talk about what can happen, enthusiastic consent on both sides, the value of waiting and so on, and I would want the girl's parents to know too. But I would acknowledge the limits of my control and condoms would be available to them and their use strongly urged.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 07:01

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight

I keep asking different people this, but here's another go: if you're ultimately responsible for any mistakes he makes, doesn't this mean he is still a child and not old enough for an intimate sexual relationship?

I have no problem with the idea of reading my DD's communications when she is a child. I don't expect to be doing so when she is old enough for sex, because by then the nature of her communications will be such that I need to afford her some privacy.

Toomanytealights · 28/05/2018 07:08

What mistakes are you expecting him to make on SM that he doesn't make in RL? Good luck with policing that, most savvy teens having their privacy invaded like that would simply buy an old or cheap phone with an account they can manage themselves. You would lose complete respect from them and they'd never trust you.

Bjhsum · 28/05/2018 07:11

As a responsible parent would you purchase the condoms and make sure they he knew they where they are? I'd be tempted to pack one in his/her lunch box kind of like a goody treat each day and maybe a good selection of cut off fingers from a marigold rubber glove hahahaha. Just adding a little humour now.

Toomanytealights · 28/05/2018 07:11

Why are kids trusted in RL on their own but not on social media? Kids will be conversing at school, socially and out of school. Do you monitor all of that? At 14?

Treacletoots · 28/05/2018 07:40

Laughing at a lot of these responses! Is this Gransnet from the 1900?

Honestly it sounds like the OP is being very sensible and going about this in exactly the right way. The sooner we realise sex isn't a bit deal - but it can be depending on the circumstances the better. I was brought up in a house when having sex was conceivably the worst thing anyone could do. Thanks for that mental.baggage mother.

I'm also.aware he's probably already done it by now

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 07:47

Treacletoots

Sex is a big deal. It isn't dirty, but it comes with significant risks, physically, mentally and socially, especially for women.

speakout · 28/05/2018 07:48

Treacletoots what does that mean?

Gransnet? WTF.

Because some posters think that a 14 yo child should not be having sex?
How uber cool are you.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 28/05/2018 07:55

So much projection on this thread from posters who were parented badly and who are sadly misguided.

In reality a 14 year old girl is not physically or mentally old enough to engage in an active sex life.

I hope this young girls mother gets told or finds out so she can discuss the many many consequences and reasons why her daughter wants to start her sexual history so young. It actually makes me feel sad to read some of the responses on here

VileyRose · 28/05/2018 07:57

I have 14yr olds and they would not be having sex! I am not a 'gran'. I just don't need to be pretending I am ok with it.

zippey · 28/05/2018 08:10

I think 14 going on 15 is fine to have sex. They sound like they are in a relationship, and have parents who have discussed sec and contraception with them. You can’t really ask for much more.

Sex is a great, fun and intimate thing two people can do together. I’d say leave them to it and let them have fun exploring.

It also sounds like the other mum is prepping her daughter in the event of it happening. So no need to tell the other parent.

Just let nature take its course and hope they have a blast doing it.

zippey · 28/05/2018 08:15

I would also add that I would advise them that there’s no harm in waiting another year though. If they like each other they will still be together.

speakout · 28/05/2018 08:15

Sex is a great, fun and intimate thing two people can do together.

Sex is great for consenting adults.

Sex is not a fun thing for children.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 08:15

I think 14 going on 15 is fine to have sex.

So you'd be fine with your 14 year old having sex with an 18 year old?

x2boys · 28/05/2018 08:45

its two 14 year olds though Pengggwn not a 14 yr old and an 18 yr old that's entirely different, and I wouldn't really be happy with two 14 yr olds having sex but if it's going to happen i would want them to be safe .

KittenBeast · 28/05/2018 08:45

So you'd be fine with your 14 year old having sex with an 18 year old?

Who said that anyone was 18?

I lost my virginity at 15, hasn't ruined my life at all and I'm not in counselling. Hooray for me. Just let them get on with it.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 08:46

KittenBeast

No one. I'm asking whether the other poster would be okay with that, and, if not, why not? Why is it okay for an 18 year old to shag a 25 year old (their choice) but inappropriate for a 14 year old to shag an 18 year old?

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