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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

161 replies

LoveInTokyo · 26/05/2018 09:07

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

OP posts:
Birdshitbridgegotme · 26/05/2018 15:47

I don't look at it that way. I am a evening invitee to a reception soon. The bride was all apologetic but she needn't be as she has a huge family and the groom also has quite a big one so they just couldn't accommodate everyone.

jeanne16 · 26/05/2018 15:47

We were recently invited to the evening event of a work colleague’s wedding. While I understood the reasoning behind it, I still felt as though we were in the B division. When we arrived, all the other guests were pretty merry and the new comers stuck out a mile. By this time there was a chargeable bar and they served a few sandwiches and that was it. We drove a fair distance to the wedding, paid for a baby sitter and bought an expensive present from their list. Never again!

MissVanjie · 26/05/2018 16:40

Flip it and reverse it re the Paris invitation - say it was one of your uni friends or housemates or similar who lives a long way away and whom you rarely see despite once being very close, and the others of your old circle were all invited too - maybe some people would jump at the chance of a weekend in Paris catching up with their old chums?

Either way i do NOT get how an invitation per se can be seen as a slight - just say no if you don’t want to go! bunch of chuffing drama queens 😂

hibbledibble · 26/05/2018 20:26

Yorkshire Betty I have no idea what you mean.

Everyone I know only has one wedding reception.

dementedma · 26/05/2018 20:32

havent TRFT but thought having evening guests was pretty standard? Certainly seems to be here in Scotland. DD is getting married next year and they will have 50 for the main event/meal and then loads more coming for the evening ceilidh. I thought everyone did that. we did wehn we got married 30 years ago.

Strumpetpumpet · 26/05/2018 20:39

We had an evening do as numbers for the daytime do were limited by the size of the venue. We got married in a cheap venue so that we could afford to put on a free bar all evening so at least the evening guests were fed and watered. I partly agree with the OP in that I wouldn’t travel for an evening-only invitation.

cluecu · 26/05/2018 21:27

It's not weird at all. Weddings aren't 'normal' parties and I've never known anyone to have an issue with being an evening guest Confused

user1487194234 · 26/05/2018 21:30

I agree
I totally disagree with having evening guests
I think it is rude
I didn't have evening guests
When I have been an evening guest have always felt like an afterthought

Spikeyball · 26/05/2018 21:39

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have evening guests. When I got married the day guests were family and a few friends. Everyone else was an evening guest. This was what everyone did in our circle 20 years ago.

AJPTaylor · 26/05/2018 22:07

I must be rare on mumsnet. Never have i been offended by any wedding invitation.
Evening invites tend to be for work colleagues. Usually a group of us would go to the church, go for a nice lunch then rock up to the evening do.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/05/2018 22:18

It isn't rude user1487194234. It really isn't Hmm

Are you always this easily offended? Do people have to tiptoe around you on eggshells all the time for fear of insulting you?

dudsville · 26/05/2018 22:22

I was once invited as an evening guest. I thought it adequately represented our friendship status and I believed I was invited as I was close friends with others who were invited to the whole day. I'm never up for a party and the journey would have been tricky so I politely declined the invitation. I wasn't offended.

UserV · 26/05/2018 22:30

I think it's OK to invite someone 'just to the night do' of a wedding... But if I was invited only to the night do, I would not buy a gift (only a card,) and I wouldn't go if it was more than 10-12 miles. (So I can get a taxi home for 10-15 quid.)

I am not going to spend a fortune on travel and a hotel bill, and a gift, when I am just going to a naff disco with a few cold sausage rolls, (and I have to buy all my own drinks too.)

So it would have to be close enough to be around a tenner in a taxi, and no gift for the bride and groom, (not if I am not invited to the wedding OR the reception.)

As has been said, people are also free to decline the invite, and I would if it was going to cost me too much money.

People can be 'bewildered' or 'aghast' all they like; this is my view and I am entitled to it.

wheeltrims · 26/05/2018 23:32

I've just been invited to the evening do only of my former bridesmaid (I only had two in total). Yeah thanks for that.

user1487194234 · 27/05/2018 07:12

I am actually very easy going lol
Had 150 guests and they all seemed to enjoy themselves

Figgygal · 27/05/2018 07:16

I think an invite to any part of day is great and I accept wherever I can

Only on mumsnet have I ever seen such debate over It

MrsJamin · 27/05/2018 07:30

Evening invite is fine if you are local, pretty unacceptable if you are not. I decline evening invites for weddings I would have to get a hotel for, it's obviously not worth it.

MrsJamin · 27/05/2018 07:31

@wheeltrims that happened to me! Nigh on ruined our friendship. Two years only between the weddings, too!

Mummadeeze · 27/05/2018 07:39

Totally disagree. Feel honoured and excited to be invited to any part of someone’s special day and would make an effort to go for the evening party if I was invited.

RedDwarves · 27/05/2018 07:42

I think it's horrendously uncouth.

But then it's not something that's done where I'm from (Australia).

Nishky · 27/05/2018 07:49

If I was invited to an evening only do in Paris I would be there like a shot! Weekend in Paris with a party thrown in- excellent!

ZenNudist · 27/05/2018 07:53

Nop generally just glad to get an invite. Was only stung once when i got evening only and had expected day. Otherwise it generally makes sense that ive been invited evening only. You know: work mate, distant uni mate, family friend...

My wedding was abroad but i had a party in the UK. So everyone was evening only!

NiceViper · 27/05/2018 07:55

"Only on mumsnet have I ever seen such debate over It"

That's one of the huge strength of MN. It shows younthat there are opinions other than your own. Not just thus, anything. What you think is normal, might be very much a minority view.

Notasunnybunny · 27/05/2018 07:58

I wouldn’t issue an evening only invite to a guest who had to travel more than a modest cab ride to the venue. I think it’s fine to do so for more casual friends/work mates/people from your netball team/the occasional supplier

GreenMeerkat · 27/05/2018 07:58

We invited work colleagues, parents' and siblings' friends, some extended family members (2nd and 3rd cousins) and my best friend's (chief bridesmaid) family who we spend every Christmas with to our evening do.

They all came and were appreciative of the invite. It is for people who would not be expected to be invited to the full day but you'd still like to celebrate with. I really don't see the problem.

I do think you're BU and a bit stuck up and entitled with that opinion. Okay if it was my brother's wedding I'd be annoyed at an evening invite but a work colleague or extended family I'd be thankful and look forward to attending.

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