AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

[LoveInTokyo]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

[SoupDragon]

I have only ever seen this attitude on Mumsnet. TBH, I find that this attitude says a lot about the person - they think they are important enough for the whole thing and anything else is an insult.

[peachypetite]

We didn't have any evening guests. It was great!

[user1494055864]

My best friend at school had a church wedding. She only invited me to the evening do. I found out from a mutual school friend, who was also invited to the evening do, as she had been given my invite to give to me. I was deeply hurt and offended, as I cared so much about her, and we had been through such a lot together, having both had awful families. She got married at 17, so it wasn't like we'd moved on a lot since school days!
I'm in my 40's now, and I've never forgotten it. I didn't go at all. She did invite me to her children's christenings though, which I did attend.

[Lollypop701]

I think in Ireland day/evening invites work. Dm is 1 of 11 kids and df 1 of 6. I have around 80 cousins and I know them all. I couldn’t afford to invite all day, so evening invites are standard. Plus of course dh family! Food is provided for both and evening guests will give smaller gift.

[borlottibeans]

In our case we had 10 people for the ceremony and a pub lunch, then a party in the evening for everyone else. We didn't do it that way to slight people; we did it because we don't have a lot of spare cash and it was either that or not invite those people at all.

We regularly travel fairly long distances to see friends and family for less momentous occasions, so it didn't seem like a big deal to us. But of course it was an invitation not a summons and people were free to decline.

[LoveInTokyo]

I’m not offended since I’m not actually not in this position. I just find it weird, that’s all.

[LoveInTokyo]

borlottibeans

To me that seems different somehow. It’s not the same as getting a traditional venue and putting on a wedding breakfast for your Tier 1 guests and then having Tier 2 guests arriving afterwards.

[Eliza9917]

I'm considering having only immediate family at the service but inviting everyone to the party immediately after, so basically they arrive at the reception at the same time as us. I'm not having day/evening guests.

The only wedding I've been to as an adult, I was invited to the whole thing. Same with my sister's upcoming wedding obviously.

I probably wouldn't accept an evening only invitation because we live quite far from everyone else. (Don't worry about my wedding, we're having it back in London so it's local to everyone else, no one will need to travel, and there will be a meal and a buffet).

[SeriousSass]

I’ve been an evening invite to works colleagues weddings. I thought it was really sweet of them to invite me. Obviously if it had been my brtothers wedding that I’d only got an evening invite for then I’d have been offended.

I am ok being a level 2 friend.

[Yorkshirebetty]

I don't like it, I think it's tier 1 and tier 2, as someone has said. I work in a small department, everyone else invited for the day, me for the evening. It can be a bit of a slight. Going to an evening do you still take a gift and dress up, but aren't considered a friend enough for the nuptials.

[MyNewAlias]

I have been invited to a few 'evening only ' parties. Not offended at all, they were work colleagues that I was not best buddies with, I appreciated the invitation. If someone feels offended don't go. I would not travel miles away for such an occasion, but these were all local so fine. At my own wedding we did not have a separate evening do with extra guests, just about 60 family and close friends for the wedding breakfast which kinda ran into the night!

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

I always look on the evening as a party. People happily go to a birthday party in the evening but don't expect to spend the entire day celebrating. And I certainly wouldn't be expecting free drinks all night. I probably wouldn't travel a long way for an evening invite unless I wanted to tie it in with a weekend away .

[drwitch]

The old fashioned posh way is to have everyone at the ceremony and then for a short party with speeches after, not much food, not much booze. The a list (which include most of 'the young') stay for dinner and dancing old grannies and aunts happy to drop out at this stage so everyone is happy

[spiderplantsgalore]

Most weddings I've been to (in Scotland) have had evening guests - local, mostly work colleagues or neighbours. They come to enjoy the ceilidh/dancing and there's always a buffet.
I think it's a great way of including people who would never expect a full day invitation.

[SwearyG]

Until I organised a wedding with a crazy mother I felt evening invitations were a bit of a snub. Then when I had the conversation that the wedding - that we were footing most of the bill for - was something my parents were hosting and they had to have more friends than DH and me combined I understood. Lots of weddings are ridiculous family affairs where difficult parents put their foot down and adult children are bullied into putting their parents friends first. Once it happened to me I looked back and saw the pattern through most weddings where there had been evening invitations.

Rather than thinking of people with evening invitation as tier 2 guests it’s better to think of them as people who are wanted at the wedding. Looking for offence is just going to make you unhappy.

[sunshineonarainyday321]

I think the concept is pretty shit too, I'll agree there, but if you know a lot of people (my husband is a tennis club member, has a lot of friend's through work and a huge extended family) to invite everyone all day would have been impossible. He wanted them there to celebrate but we just couldn't invite that many people so they were given evening invites. Everyone bar 1 couple was local to the venue (about 25min drive for most people), they declined and I completely understood. They live the other end of the country. To give them a day invite wouldn't have been fair to other family members who were the same relation, my pil's cousins (and we didn't have enough places left anyway).

My husband and I have an unspoken rule, common sense really that we only travel and stay over for a day invite. I'm happy to be an evening guest as long as it's a 30min drive or less away. We went to one the end of last year we got the train there and my parents were very kind to collect us at midnight. Over 30 min it's either one of you doesn't drive or you pay to stay over, it's just not worth the expense/hassle.

I hate the 2 tier system, but unless you are vv rich and can find a venue to hold 250 people plus it's a necessary evil!

[LoveInTokyo]

SwearyG

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. I don’t understand parents who expect to be able to dictate the guest list even if they’re paying for it. If they’re not paying for it then it’s definitely none of their business. They had their chance to invite all their friends to a wedding - their own wedding!

[Shenanagins]

I’ve never had a problem as it was normal from where I came from. Day was for family and close friends and evening was for the rest of the community.

Whilst those weddings were held in the local church with the reception in the community hall so people were not travelling for hours and therefore being massively out of pocket which doesn’t really work for evening invites.

[karategirl]

We were fairly newly out of uni when we got married. We couldn't afford a venue where we could seat all of our friends and family (we both have very large families) and we were really up front with people about the fact that we'd love them to be there, but unfortunately couldn't have everyone all day. We also (shock, horror!) didn't allow anyone a +1 and partners were only invited if we knew (or had at least met) them, or the couple had been together for a long time.

We sent invitations to a lot of uni friends who lived all over the country, and explicitly told them that, although we'd love them to be there, we entirely understood that the cost and time involved with travelling may well mean they couldn't attend - and also that we wanted their company and didn't want them to give gifts.

I've never seen an issue with having separate day and evening guest lists. But perhaps this comes from having grown up with a large extended family - it's always been totally normal as far as I'm concerned. I've never been offended to receive an evening invitation.

[BuntyII]

We got an evening invite through the post a few months ago, with a lovely card directing us to a website dedicated to the happy couple and all the things we could buy them.

We didn't go.

[Coldilox]

I had 40 people come to the full day, and an additional 70 or so to the evening. I only wanted very close friends and family at the ceremony and meal as to me it's a very intimate thing.

The evening do featured a very generous buffet and a free bar for the first few hours. Nobody complained.

[Coldilox]

Oh and we specified no gifts.

[Feb2018mumma]

Our wedding was 10 mins from our house and 5 mins from work. We got 20 free evening places and gave them to work friends and friends from our fitness class! So am sure they knew they weren't close enough for a whole wedding day! If was far away think is silly, but when your getting married in your town then dont see why not!

[Feb2018mumma]

We also had evening meal and didn't ask for gifts :)

[ThankYouGillian]

We were once invited to the church and the evening - no main reception. I thought that was cheeky "watch us get married, bugger off for a few hours and feed yourself, then come back for the disco" Uh, no thanks. It was 4 hours away too. We declined.