AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

[LoveInTokyo]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

[GreenMeerkat]

@Mumoftwoyoungkids well I stand corrected. I think you are the exception to the rule these days though.

[BackforGood]

Yabu

It is a perfectly normal thing to do and has been for decades.
If you don't want to, then fine, but just because a thing insn't something you'd do, doesn't make it offensive. What an odd thing to say.

I consider it rather nice to not only invite all the people you would expect to invite to your wedding, but to also make room in your budget to invite colleagues, team mates etc to an evening party as well, is generous and lovely.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

GreenMeerkat

Yep.

Very grateful to the guy who bought us the double quilt or we would have been sleeping under a single.....

[GreenMeerkat]

@IDearlyLoveALaugh oh, we didn't ask for anything from the evening guests. Just the day guests. And even then it wasn't 'asking for' just 'if you want to get us a gift.....'

[GreenMeerkat]

@Mumoftwoyoungkids but did you need homeware as a wedding gift?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I don't think I know of a single married couple in the last 30+ years who didn't live together first.

Introduces self to GreenMeerkat

Just for the record:-

I am 38, dh is 41
We are not particularly religious
We had had sex before the wedding
At the time it didn’t occur to us that this was an unusual thing to do.

[IDearlyLoveALaugh]

@GreenMeerkat I just think that asking for cash or any present from evening guests is a bit cheeky tbh.

If they are all day guests or if an evening guest wants to bring a present then fine, but I just think that asking evening guests to give the bride and groom cash (after the guest has forked out on all the expenses I listed in my pp) is really cheeky!

[Sparklesocks]

Ive been to two weddings as an evening guest - one was a uni friend I lived with years before but only spoke to on occasion, and the other was a school friend I saw regularly but we didn’t spend much time one on one.

I know that neither of those people are close friends, so I was flattered to be asked. I wasn’t offended as I would never expect to be invited to their main wedding alongside their family and best friends.

It was quite nice showing up at 7ish and getting a drink as the disco got going, you get a nice evening out but don’t get the flagging you sometimes get at an all day wedding. It’s good fun, I think I’d only be offended if someone I thought I was very close to only invited me to the evening (unless it was say, very small at the ceremony or family only etc)

[Rainforestbabyhat]

We couldn’t afford to have everybody in the day unfortunately (only family and very close friends) but I think all the evening guests had a good time - free food (and plenty of it, hog roast and veggie options), free bar and entertainment all night from 7pm until about 3am. Some people came a long way for evening and we were so touched, it really made the day getting to see them all and I hope they enjoyed it too

I don’t understand why people would have been offended by this?

[MiggeldyHiggins]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

its perfectly normal and only offensive if you are self absorbed and daft.

[mrsb06]

Re: cash gifts, I think sometimes people are a bit put out when giving them because frankly, they don't know how much to give. How much is acceptable? £20? £50? £100? What's considered generous by a guest may be stingy to a bride and groom.

We asked for cash because we didn't want 50 slow cookers or posh cutlery sets we'll never use. Although we did donate a percentage to two charities of our choice.

[GreenMeerkat]

Why is asking for cash cheeky?

Traditional wedding gifts are usually homeware that the couple would use in their first home together, which usually came after marriage.

I don't think I know of a single married couple in the last 30+ years who didn't live together first.

We were decorating our house so we asked for cash for that (or b and q vouchers if they didn't want to give cash)

I really don't see the problem. I also prefer it when people ask for cash at weddings I'm attending as it's so much easier.

[BlueJava]

I actually think completely differently to you OP. The ceremony is often for people that the couple "have" to invite. The evneing is friends and "get the party started"

[CoughLaughFart]

I’ve never been to or even heard about a wedding where there weren’t some extra guests in the evening. I’ve only ever seen people get offended by this on MN.

What are you supposed to do if you can’t afford or don’t have the space to have everyone for the full day? Surely it’s a damn sight more offensive not to be invited at all?

[BakedBeans47]

I think they’re OK, people generally know if they’re not that close friends of the couple and would be unlikely to be offended

[River93]

I agree. I went to a wedding where there was only ONE couple who were invited to the evening do. They travelled from Kent to Wales. I’m surprised they even went, I’m not sure if they knew they were the only evening guests

[categed]

It's common here (Scotland) to have an big evening do with a proper buffet. Our buffet cost £1500 and there was a great selection of hot and cold foods. Evening invites are common as well and I've only ever know one person to get their knickers in a twist about it and refuse to go. Evening dos are great. Miss the speaches and hanging around and enjoy celebrating with the bride and groom.

[Bearhunter09]

Nothing offensive at all. Daytime guests for close friends and family ie the serious bit evening guests for everyone you want to party with.

[BetterEatCheese]

I had evening guests, they were colleagues and family of friends who were there in the day who I'd known since I was little but too many to have all day. Day invites were for close friends and family.

[LaurieMarlow]

Fine if it's local. But I'd never travel/expect anyone else to travel for an evening do.

[burnoutbabe]

Lots of evening dos I have attended have not really been fun parties. You arrive and bride /groom don't great you. Most guests are seated already from dinner and not moving. You then have to buy drinks and realise that there is actually no buffet. And then it's an incredibly loud disco so can't speak to anyone.
Not really much fun. Definitely not being hosted in any sense of the word or sharing anyone's day!

[IDearlyLoveALaugh]

Oh and they've also asked for cash as a present! Cheeky!

[IDearlyLoveALaugh]

I was literally about to post the same AIBU! Except the groom is my cousin and his bride has a very small family. They've invited auntys and uncles (so my DM and her partner) but no cousins- we are evening only. They have invited their best friends though which has irked some of the cousins as we were/are close growing up and spent a lot of time together. We still regularly meet up too.

They've said it's not due to cost too. I'm probably not going to attend as PP have said- it's a lot of travel (6hour round trip), petrol, hotel cost if I stay over, plus taxi fair as it's literally in a field in the middle of nowhere!

I don't feel insulted though, they've made their priorities clear. YANBU

[Johnnycomelately1]

I must live in a different world

TBH I think the acceptability of all things wedding related depends v much on your social circle and so long as everyone is basically on the same page it's all good. So for example, in Johnny world

• Gift list in invitation: acceptable
  
• Asking for cash: Dh's friends: acceptable, Mine: less so
  
• No gift lift in invitation: Slight annoyance at having to go through charade of contacting bride's parents to get it.
  
• No gifts please: Means exactly that.
  
• Evening invites: Not really done but if it is, limited to local people/ work colleagues. My sister and her DH invited the whole rugby club in the evening- obviously not practical to invite to whole day. I didn't have an evening list as wasn't living locally to the wedding.
  
• Unnamed plus 1's: not done- either the partner is named on the invite or the person comes on their own.
  
• Cash bar: Not common but totally fine. However, alcohol would usually be provided before and during the meal.
  
• Guests waiting around with no drink/ canapés during photos : Have never been to a wedding where this has happened, so not acceptable in my friendship circle. Didn't realise it ever happened until MN.
  
• Table plans: Always and expectation that you'll be seated at the same table as, but not next to, your spouse.
  

However, I realise these are definitely not universal customs.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I love a night do! All the formalities are over with and it's a big party,what's not to like?

This. I always like a good party.

The only time I have ever been upset by wedding invitations is when one of my best friends from school got married. She had played a bit part in my wedding a few years earlier but we had (literally - we couldn’t have lived further apart if we had tried!) moved to opposite ends of the country and so hadn’t seen much of each other since.

As the wedding was in our home town (so free parental accommodation) an evening invite would have been lovely.

However, she obviously also doesn’t approve of evening guests so didn’t have any. And I (presumably) just missed the cut for a day guest.

Just one of those things but I remember being a bit hurt at the time.