AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

[LoveInTokyo]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

[TheCraicDealer]

Evening invites are a way to acknowledge the relationship without asking someone to give up a whole day of their weekend, travel, stand around whilst the bridal party do photos, sit through speeches by people you don't know and give a gift. Weddings can be expensive and a bit of an imposition on people who can feel obliged to go if invited to the whole shebang- I wouldn't have wanted to make my or DH's colleagues and mum and dad's friends feel like they had to attend.

In my experience everyone knows it's a bit of a hassle for evening only guests to attend unless it's very local, and no-one has been offended if people decide not to go for whatever reason.

[metalmum15]

We only had 30 to the day do, 60 odd to the evening do. And no, I didn't consider them close enough friends /family to actually see me get married and pay a small fortune per head for a meal. (The only actual family members invited during the day were parents and siblings. )

[Shoxfordian]

I used to think like this until I got engaged and started actually looking at the cost of weddings.

[Imchlibob]

Yanbu - we didn't have any evening-only guests as if someone isn't close enough to be invited to the whole thing it's best imo to not invite at all.

The exception would be as pp have mentioned if there are entire categories of people you generally wouldn't invite but they are local and want to wish you well - eg work colleagues and friends of parents. Should only be if they live nearby and invitations to evening only should specify please no gifts. Anyone who you invite to travel more than 20 miles should be given a meal and a drink though.

[wendz86]

I've never been offended to get an evening invite. It's usually people who are Colleagues, less close friends.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

I wish people would only invite me to the evening. The day stuff is tedious, the night is a party.

[carribeanqueenmumofthree]

I don't understand how this annoys people! It's an invite to a party, ffs, you can accept or decline. My wedding location meant evening only invites weren't practical, but I may have had them, if we'd done it differently. I've been up countless evening do's over the years, and the only invite I though was rude, was from a friend of DH (then DP) who didn't invite me!

[AllMYSmellySocks]

Most people I know would never invite someone who has to travel a long way for the evening only. I think it's fine for maybe work colleagues who you like but don't know well etc.
I've been to a wedding where me and a few others were invited for the ceremony and evening do but not the wedding breakfast and it was fine as there were a group of us. We had a lovely meal (which I suppose we did have to pay for) and a great time so chose not to be offended.

[SerenDippitty]

We got married 28 years ago and didn’t have an evening do. Had 100 guests at the reception and left on honeymoon from it. Made things a lot simpler.

[Rachie1973]

I thought it was fairly normal to do it this way?

[Daddystepdaddy]

So not getting invited at all would be better?

Most people are grown up enough to realise that budgets are limited or there may be limits on the number of guests you can have at the wedding breakfast (both applied to our wedding).

[Quirkyturkey]

I think it's fine for people who are local - work colleagues, parents' friends, etc. For long distance weddings - well I guess you can decline, but are you then still expected to send gift?

That said, I really don't like evening only invites. I find I feel really uncomfortable, as if I'm not part of the club. Tables all seem to be already occupied by people who've been there for the main event. I realise this is probably my social awkwardness, rather than anything intrinsically wrong with the idea - tbh I don't generally enjoy parties anyway .....

[SoupDragon]

I’m not offended since I’m not actually not in this position. I just find it weird, that’s all.

You don’t find it “weird” you said in your first post that you think it is offensive, means you are second tier and that you would probably decline.

[Mammyloveswine]

One of my bridesmaids has sent us ah evening only invitation... cf

[Whenwillwe3meetagain]

I live in London and was invited to an evening bit in Scotland, er no!

[LoniceraJaponica]

“Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?”

No, only to people looking to be offended, and many mumsnet posters.

We were evening guests at a wedding just after Christmas. The couple paid for coach travel from our village and back so that everyone could enjoy a drink. Both the bride and groom have large families, and quite frankly we were glad that we were there for a few hours and not all day. We didn’t feel second best at all, but then we don’t go looking for offence where none is intended.

“If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.”

I’m glad my friends aren’t as self-important and full of self-entitlement like you are. I don’t view evening invitations as “consolation prizes” either.

“People really do spend a lot of effort trying to be offended these days.”

I totally agree with this ^^ Whitney168

“I have only ever seen this attitude on Mumsnet. TBH, I find that this attitude says a lot about the person - they think they are important enough for the whole thing and anything else is an insult.”

And this ^^ SoupDragon

[Yorkshirebetty]

Serendippity you had the right idea! That's how weddings used to be before people had all this disposable income. Wedding around midday, lunchtime reception, couple off on honeymoon. I often wonder how people decide what category their friends fall into for daytime /evening division?

[AllMYSmellySocks]

LoniceraJaponica Exactly I think most people are considerate in their invitations and make considerations of where people are coming from etc. I've had a close friend not invite my DH to a wedding. She explained that since all our childhood friends would be there (without their partners) and it wasn't far for us to travel she thought we would be OK where as a few of her other guests had to come far and wouldn't know anyone else. (It was a small budget wedding). No harm no foul.

[CurlyBlueberry]

Our 'evening reception' comprised of a full sit-down meal with speeches etc. We have large families and so the ceremony was for the families and our closest friends (all who would fit in the ceremony room!), followed by afternoon tea, then in the evening we had a few more friends and lots of more extended family for the proper dinner. They all got well fed and watered (free bar) so I doubt anyone was complaining.

[Cliveybaby]

I think it's fine for local, not that close friends!
We're planning to have some evening only people for our wedding, a group of 15-20 from my work, and the choir I sing with (another 20 ish).
I'l invite my 4/5 closest work friends, but it'd be nice for everyone else to come too. They couldn't possibly all come to the whole lot, it's too expensive, there's no room, and I'm not close to all of them, but they're a group and it'd be a shame to leave a couple of people out.
DP is inviting everyone from his work, but that's about 6 people.

[Cliveybaby]

although I did once get invited to an evening do over 100 miles away, and didn't realise.
Was a bit bummed to turn up, realise I'd missed the actual marriage, get no food for hours, and had spent oveer £120 on a hotel, travel and gift...

[Yorkshirebetty]

Weddings (other than very rich posh ones) are much bigger and more extravagant than they used to be, so people can afford to host 2 "dos". Me and my friends got married in the 80s, didn't have £££ so had simple day time events. Less to worry about!!

[AuntieStella]

Well, people have always invited people they have vague connexion/obligation to, for only part of an event. Just as people have always invited only those they want there (not necessarily spouse/partner, boy/girlfriend, other plus one or any connected children).

And people know where they are in the 'pecking order' accordingly.

And that doesn't matter - or at least it doesn't to those who know where they are in that pecking order. The potential for someone getting a surprise they find unpleasant is quite high.

And I think this is an 'only on MN' thing, because no-one with any manners at all would ever mention it to your face about your own wedding. And you probably won't be paying much attention to people talking about other people's weddings - except when people post about them on a chat site where it's OK to say what you really think.

[ChickenVindaloo2]

YANBU, OP.

Yes, obviously we have people we are closer to than others but we don't normally make this obvious day to day.

I'd feel embarrassed going in as an evening guest, looking at the people who have had the whole day together and got to know each other and are looking at the group of us scuttling in who didn't make the cut and have fuck all better to do on a Saturday night.

Personally, I just want to see the bride coming down the aisle in her dress and am less fussed about the rest.

[SoupDragon]

I'd feel embarrassed going in as an evening guest, looking at the people who have had the whole day together and got to know each other and are looking at the group of us scuttling in who didn't make the cut and have fuck all better to do on a Saturday night.

I’ve been an evening guest several times and I have never once felt like that. I’ve also never looked at an evening guest in a sneery and superior way - that would be weird.