AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

[LoveInTokyo]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

[Pengggwn]

I don't like them.

[Makegoodchoices]

We had 90 people, with a large family and uncompromising (paying) parents, so my friends ended up being mostly evening guests. Parents friends and siblings were the day guests.

In retrospect I should have delayed the wedding another few years, paid for the full thing myself and not invited the 30(!) aunts and uncles who I’ve barely seen since! However it would have caused a huge family rift, so would be a hard decision to make in early 20s!

No second tier of friends there, just stubborn older generation.

[MissVanjie]

“Is it just me”

You must be new here/have missed the 5 million threads a week that run routinely from april-october about this



“please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks”

Normally they are for work colleagues who are local or very old friends you rarely see, eg from uni, who might welcome the chance to reconnect with the others of the friendship group - it depends on the individual really

“If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.”

As would be your and literally anyone else’s prerogative - it’s an invitation not a summons and people are free to say yes or no as they wish, not sure why you think this would be any skin off anyone’s nose really

[gryffen]

Our wedding in 2007 was a mixed affair due to family sizes.

15 from my side and near 200 from hubby (hubby dad has 6 brothers and sisters and family is close)

So, people coming furthest were full day (Ireland, Canada and SA). Immediate family obviously fed and a few close friends who supported us with wedding etc. So total of 90 people at meal.

Local guests went to wedding and happily said they would feed themselves and come back later on at night where theyknew a buffet was on etc.

Just down to sizes of families etc.

[Ikabod]

We had evening only guests because the ceremony room could only fit about 20 people. We explained this to our EO guests and all seemed fine with it. We still wanted to celebrate with our friends but wanted a very small wedding ceremony.

[thecatsthecats]

Don't forget you're supposed to invite all sorts of people who you don't normally socialize with to weddings in the first place - partners, parent's friends, that cousin you can't leave out if the family who you never see.

I'm perfectly comfortable with being second tier and having second tier guests. It's completely normal in my social circles and only really commented upon when you get a full day you weren't expecting, not the other way around.

[Yorkshirebetty]

How do you decide who's in the first or second tier? What if people are borderline? What if someone is a partner to a Tier 1 guest, but less of a friend than a Tier 2??

[AllMYSmellySocks]

How do you decide who's in the first or second tier? What if people are borderline? What if someone is a partner to a Tier 1 guest, but less of a friend than a Tier 2?? Surely you just decide case by case. Obviously you either have the full couple as evening guests or as day guests too.Probably the same for groups of people too. e.g. have all work friends as just evening guests.
If people would have a long journey you invite for the whole day.

[MissVanjie]

I think a more pertinent thread opening would be “Is it just me who, upon receiving an invitation, decides whether they want to go or not, rsvps accordingly, then just goes about their day without imagining all sorts of nefarious motives on the hosts’ part?”

[jellycat1]

I totally agree OP. I think it's awful and would never have considered it. Nor did any of my friends. My sister did it though and I felt so awkward when all the evening lot started to arrive. I've thankfully only once been invited to an evening only bit. It was in effing Paris!

[Emma198]

I would never had invited someone who had to travel as evening only. In fact, we invited some all day because they had to travel when if they lived close they probably would have been evening only.

[LoveInTokyo]

I've thankfully only once been invited to an evening only bit. It was in effing Paris!



I am getting married in Paris and even if we were having evening only guests the thought would not even cross my mind to invite someone to travel from abroad just to attend part of it.

[jellycat1]

Right??!! Needless to say I didn't go

[DioneTheDiabolist]

“Is it just me who, upon receiving an invitation, decides whether they want to go or not, rsvps accordingly, then just goes about their day without imagining all sorts of nefarious motives on the hosts’ part?”

YANBU MissVanjie. It's almost as though some people really want to be offended when they receive an invitation. Like others, I have not experienced this in RL, but then my friends are normal peopl, who quite like each other and enjoy a good party.

[SpikyCoconut]

I don't mind eve invitations (I do mind the term 'invite' though) .

I appreciate the wedding itself and the wedding breakfast might be events the couple only want close friends and family at. I've been to colleagues and friend's weddings evening only and was happy to be asked to celebrate with them. I've declined ones that were too far away to justify too. It's an invitation not a summons as we mnetters say .
Then again, I would probably be miffed if I felt it was 'grabby'. If I felt I was expected to bring a gift/money etc. Luckily I never have felt like that, a card sufficed and people were happy to see me.

I also find wedding evening parties quite interesting-different people, meeting the family/friends who you may not have before-again if I didn't like someone enough to be interested in this, I can choose not to attend.

[LoveInTokyo]

One of my friends went to nine last year!

[smurfy2015]

A friend I went thru primary and secondary school with, she met her now-husband when he moved to our class in secondary after leaving another local school over classes he wanted and couldn't get at the other school. This was early 1990s Republic of Ireland.

He came from a family of 5 siblings, she was 1 of 2, there was 80 of us for the daytime inc a small group of school friends with our plus ones in the evening so they could go to work as normal while the Friday wedding took place. Which was small wedding given that we had worked out there was a load of missing cousins etc

Around 9pm that night the evening guests started to arrive and kept arriving and still more, one of the very nosy neighbours where i came from asked one of the staff how many extra were they planning to cater for in the evening? He claimed to be uncle of the groom who was part funding, he wasnt. He was the man they bought the land their house is built on.

Around 11pm most of the people from evening guests were in and dance floor was full, so was the bar, the band was in full swing, followed by a disco followed by a sing song.

There was an additional 350 evening guests there was about 500 evening guests invitied.

[LoniceraJaponica]

ChickenVindaloo your post says more about you than it does about any would be bride and groom

[ChickenVindaloo2]

Yes. And I knew that when I wrote it. Just being honest though.

[Lazypuppy]

Immediate family and friends who are in you life on a daily/weekly basis to watch you get married.

Everyone else who is important but not in your lives as much to the evening do.

[Childrenofthesun]

I went to a wedding as an evening guest once where it turned out there were only about 5-10 of us invited as evening guests and the other 80 or so had been there all day so that did feel like second tier.

I wouldn't have evening guests myself but that's because I am quite introverted and don't tend to socialise with colleagues and acquaintances. I have been to a couple of former colleagues evening receptions and found it quite draining to make small talk all evening so I only tend to go to the weddings of close friends/family.

[Gitfeatures]

I rarely go to weddings, but I find a whole day a bit of an ordeal I'd be glad of an evening-only invite - far less of an obligation, less hassle and less cost.

[hibbledibble]

It's usually a cost issue. Couples now often find the wedding themselves, and with the high cost of living, and property prices, can only afford to have immediate family and close friends for the whole day. Colleagues/parents friends etc can be invited to the evening do, which will have a greater capacity than a sit down meal. It is polite to still provide for guests, with a buffet at least

[Yorkshirebetty]

"usually a cost issue" - just have one reception then.