AIBU - evening guests at a wedding

[LoveInTokyo]

Is it just me or does anyone else think the concept of having some evening only guests at a wedding is just inherently a bit offensive?

To me it comes across like, “you’re alright but you’re only a second tier friend so we don’t like you enough to actually pay for a meal for you, so please travel a long way and spend a lot of money to attend a bad disco and probably pay for all your own drinks and bring a present”?

If I got an evening only invitation then I would probably politely decline.

[QueenOfMyWorld]

I love a night do! All the formalities are over with and it's a big party,what's not to like?

[Notasunnybunny]

I think it’s also important to make a thing of greeting evening guests, there should be some sort of arrival drink even if the couple just buy new arrivals one from the bar, people shouldn’t just stumble into a party which is already in full swing and not be greeted. We cut our cake and served it after evening guests arrived and then opened the dancing which made them feel like they were more part of the event. Then spent the whole night circulating.

[londonrach]

Had two evening invites and both times my parents had been invited for whole event and dsis and i invited with our families in the evening. Didnt see a problem with it. Both times my parents friends children (whom i known all my life but different school years so not friends but chat if saw them). I didnt do any evening invites as my wedding was a small affair as my mum and gran both had cancer so family and very close friends only so about 40 people no children. It worked for me. Every bodys different. Id say evening invites are for parents friends, work colleagues etc, people you invite but limited budget and space.

[BitOfFun]

No, it's not just you, OP- lots of posters on mumsnet seem to feel the same.

Personally, I think it depends a lot on the context of the wedding. If it's basically local guests invited to the evening do, I'd just see it as a way that the couple are trying to include the wider community they are part of. Obviously most people can't afford to invite every friend of their parents who took an nterest in them growing up, or old work colleagues they think fondly of, to the actual full she-bang, but it's nice to extend a fairly open-ended invitation for people to celebrate with them. I'm sure that the wish to just be around friendly familiar faces doesn't come with the expectation of presents or an inconvenient outlay on the part of those guests.

[HolyMountain]

I don’t get the offence at evening only invites to weddings.

It’s a party; great for work colleagues, acquaintances and those who aren’t considered close enough for the main event.

[HolyMountain]

I’m off to one next week , she’s a work colleague, nothing more. None of us would have expected anything more.

[BarryTheKestrel]

Our day guests were mainly family. We both have large families and our venue wasn't huge. We alloted 5 friends each for the day outside of our families
We chose those we see/spoke to daily or were most involved in our lives. All our other friends joined us in the evening. No one was offended by this as our friends know that if we could have had them all there we would have, however to us family comes first and we fell in love with the venue. They respected our choices and were happy to be invited.

I think if there is no 'reason' for you to not be invited for the day, and you aren't close enough to the bride or groom to know why that is, then you are probably a 'second tier guest' anyway. Even if you hold your friendship in high regard, they don't see you as a close friend to be in the know.

[PaulDacreRimsGeese]

Rather than being offensive, it's actually a perfectly sensible custom in itself. That said, I think staying in a hotel overnight when you're an evening guest is going well beyond the call of duty. I wouldn't bother going to any evening reception that wasn't local. And the couple should be aware of and accept that people tend to be willing to make less effort when not invited to the full day. I've had a couple of evening invites where realistically I was never going to bother going, but they were people I didn't know well enough to be expected to get a full invite to the day and I took it as a compliment of acknowledgement more than anything else.

[Flaskfan]

I'm off to my cousin's wedding later this year. She's a lot younger than me, has lots of friends and is marrying a . Man with a large immediate family. Not only have we got an invite to the full do, but our kids are also invited! It's like the mumsnet anti-wedding.

[Nishky]

I have stayed overnight for evening do’s - I don’t get the issue. I must live in a different world

[reachforthewine]

Sometimes it all comes down to money. Weddings are expensive.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I love a night do! All the formalities are over with and it's a big party,what's not to like?

This. I always like a good party.

The only time I have ever been upset by wedding invitations is when one of my best friends from school got married. She had played a bit part in my wedding a few years earlier but we had (literally - we couldn’t have lived further apart if we had tried!) moved to opposite ends of the country and so hadn’t seen much of each other since.

As the wedding was in our home town (so free parental accommodation) an evening invite would have been lovely.

However, she obviously also doesn’t approve of evening guests so didn’t have any. And I (presumably) just missed the cut for a day guest.

Just one of those things but I remember being a bit hurt at the time.

[Johnnycomelately1]

I must live in a different world

TBH I think the acceptability of all things wedding related depends v much on your social circle and so long as everyone is basically on the same page it's all good. So for example, in Johnny world

• Gift list in invitation: acceptable
  
• Asking for cash: Dh's friends: acceptable, Mine: less so
  
• No gift lift in invitation: Slight annoyance at having to go through charade of contacting bride's parents to get it.
  
• No gifts please: Means exactly that.
  
• Evening invites: Not really done but if it is, limited to local people/ work colleagues. My sister and her DH invited the whole rugby club in the evening- obviously not practical to invite to whole day. I didn't have an evening list as wasn't living locally to the wedding.
  
• Unnamed plus 1's: not done- either the partner is named on the invite or the person comes on their own.
  
• Cash bar: Not common but totally fine. However, alcohol would usually be provided before and during the meal.
  
• Guests waiting around with no drink/ canapés during photos : Have never been to a wedding where this has happened, so not acceptable in my friendship circle. Didn't realise it ever happened until MN.
  
• Table plans: Always and expectation that you'll be seated at the same table as, but not next to, your spouse.
  

However, I realise these are definitely not universal customs.

[IDearlyLoveALaugh]

I was literally about to post the same AIBU! Except the groom is my cousin and his bride has a very small family. They've invited auntys and uncles (so my DM and her partner) but no cousins- we are evening only. They have invited their best friends though which has irked some of the cousins as we were/are close growing up and spent a lot of time together. We still regularly meet up too.

They've said it's not due to cost too. I'm probably not going to attend as PP have said- it's a lot of travel (6hour round trip), petrol, hotel cost if I stay over, plus taxi fair as it's literally in a field in the middle of nowhere!

I don't feel insulted though, they've made their priorities clear. YANBU

[IDearlyLoveALaugh]

Oh and they've also asked for cash as a present! Cheeky!

[burnoutbabe]

Lots of evening dos I have attended have not really been fun parties. You arrive and bride /groom don't great you. Most guests are seated already from dinner and not moving. You then have to buy drinks and realise that there is actually no buffet. And then it's an incredibly loud disco so can't speak to anyone.
Not really much fun. Definitely not being hosted in any sense of the word or sharing anyone's day!

[LaurieMarlow]

Fine if it's local. But I'd never travel/expect anyone else to travel for an evening do.

[BetterEatCheese]

I had evening guests, they were colleagues and family of friends who were there in the day who I'd known since I was little but too many to have all day. Day invites were for close friends and family.

[Bearhunter09]

Nothing offensive at all. Daytime guests for close friends and family ie the serious bit evening guests for everyone you want to party with.

[categed]

It's common here (Scotland) to have an big evening do with a proper buffet. Our buffet cost £1500 and there was a great selection of hot and cold foods. Evening invites are common as well and I've only ever know one person to get their knickers in a twist about it and refuse to go. Evening dos are great. Miss the speaches and hanging around and enjoy celebrating with the bride and groom.

[River93]

I agree. I went to a wedding where there was only ONE couple who were invited to the evening do. They travelled from Kent to Wales. I’m surprised they even went, I’m not sure if they knew they were the only evening guests

[BakedBeans47]

I think they’re OK, people generally know if they’re not that close friends of the couple and would be unlikely to be offended

[CoughLaughFart]

I’ve never been to or even heard about a wedding where there weren’t some extra guests in the evening. I’ve only ever seen people get offended by this on MN.

What are you supposed to do if you can’t afford or don’t have the space to have everyone for the full day? Surely it’s a damn sight more offensive not to be invited at all?

[BlueJava]

I actually think completely differently to you OP. The ceremony is often for people that the couple "have" to invite. The evneing is friends and "get the party started"

[GreenMeerkat]

Why is asking for cash cheeky?

Traditional wedding gifts are usually homeware that the couple would use in their first home together, which usually came after marriage.

I don't think I know of a single married couple in the last 30+ years who didn't live together first.

We were decorating our house so we asked for cash for that (or b and q vouchers if they didn't want to give cash)

I really don't see the problem. I also prefer it when people ask for cash at weddings I'm attending as it's so much easier.