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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these wedding arrangements are stingy?

349 replies

Balloon65 · 25/05/2018 23:20

Going to a wedding in July where there isn’t going to be any food put on in the evening, despite it being a big wedding and an extra 70 evening guests joining the party. I thought that was quite bad, but on top of that the wedding breakfast which was billed as an afternoon tea has turned about to be a buffet at the side of sandwiches, scones and cake. I don’t know whether the tables will be called up one by one to get their food or if there’ll be 100+ people queuing at the same time.

AIBU to think this is a weird arrangement and guests will be starving?

OP posts:
IggyAce · 26/05/2018 06:32

Oh dear B&G may have shot themselves in the foot if they expect money as a gift, I would apply the American custom (usually hate American customs) of giving enough to cover the cost of your meal. Since a proper afternoon tea usually costs £20 per person I would give them no more than £20 as a gift because their buffet isn't a proper afternoon tea.
Definitely going to be lots of starving drunk guests.

SerenDippitty · 26/05/2018 06:36

Does the bride/groom have a history of dodgy attitude towards food or something? If they are spending a lot of money on the venue and (by the sound of it) booze but only limited spend on food, that's not just stinginess, that's the sort of mindset that doesn't think eating is very important, and tends to be either bemused or disgusted that other people want to eat more than once a day. (There have been previous threads about this sort of attitude: PIL who don't eat lunch, for example, and get offended if visitors appear hungry...)

Yes that also occurred to me. Some people do seem to see eating as a vice or something rather disgusting that they do out of necessity rather than for pleasure.....

StellaHeyStella · 26/05/2018 06:41

Great plans for diabetics, ill/old/disabled people etc.
Mummyoflittledragon exactly what do you mean by this comment?

Etoilefilante · 26/05/2018 06:42

Another awful wedding thing is when a hotel sells the couple a "package". Friend got married in town hall, then went for a two hour (yes really) photo shoot while we all went to the reception venue hotel to be "looked after" with "drinks". Herded into a small windowless anteroom while dining room being prepared and wasn't opened until b&g returned, given one drink, no seats, secondary drinks £10 each. People sloped off to the pub. I believe the couple were clueless about it and i didnt like to say!

Fengshui · 26/05/2018 06:45

Well, if they expect the pub next door to be their unofficial back up plan they'd better warn the pub. Doubt they'd be impressed with unexpected hordes of wedding guests turning up expecting pie and mash when they have catered for their more usual customer numbers.

Staying · 26/05/2018 06:55

I used to work at weddings. OP if you know enough about the B&G to know the cost of the dress etc, is it possible to tell her that people WILL LEAVE their party. The full day guests won't longer than 8pm without eating and the evening guests likely won't last much past 10pm - unless they're shitfaced, puking over the stately home or comatose.

It sounds like they've Instaplanned their wedding or Pinterest-planned it. They want it to look good in the photos afterwards. Which is fine, of course (who doesn't!) but photos don't obviously show everything.

If there is a pub next door does that mean there are other places nearby or is it somewhere cars are needed?

Or if b&g don't get the message is there anyway you can invite her to yours or out for the day starting at 12.45 and then offer her nothing other than some sandwiches and cake at 3pm? I'm betting she'll be wanting to eat at some point past 5pm?

Staying · 26/05/2018 06:56

And reserve a table in the pub!!

Everywhereilookaround · 26/05/2018 07:00

Call me old fashioned but I think weddings should be about celebrating love and commitment to each other, not how much food or drink you get.

Sandwiches and cake sounds lovely to me, I would much prefer that to a pretentious sit down meal of deconstructed ham hock and a mustard jus... If you need more take some with you. Not everyone has the money to pay for a huge meal for wedding guests.

I went to one recently where there was nothing catered for my DS, where we had a tiny meal (cordon bleu) at 3pm for lunch, then nothing else all night. I took sandwiches and snacks for the DS in my bag and wouldn't be so rude as to complain. It's their wedding day, they did it their way. I also have very little money and bought my dress from charity shop and borrowed clothes for DS. They asked for money, they got a card and ten pounds (fifth of my weekly food budget) and I don't care if that's stingey, it's way more than I can afford.
A little understanding goes a long way on everyone's side at weddings.

Either accept it isn't what 'you' would do...and go enjoy the day (all or part of it.... and with a picnic in the boot of your car) or don't go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/05/2018 07:16

Sounds like they've paid so much for the venue that they can't afford to feed anyone properly. It's going to be really bad, IMO.

A few sandwiches, canapés and cake is not going to take the main guests through from 3pm til after dinner - so they're going to lose a lot of guests in the evening. They also need to be very specific to the evening only guests that they're not getting fed at all!

Maybe the evening only guests could be coerced to come bearing pizza... or better still, fish and chips! Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/05/2018 07:17

Oops - no YANBU, they are being stingy and it's unreasonable what they're doing here.
Take a packed lunch with you anyway, just in case your fears are founded re. the buffet (quite likely given what you've said!)

PlumsGalore · 26/05/2018 07:17

But the point is they have gone to a lot of expense with their venue and unnecessary add ons such as a photo booth, but CBA with feeding the guests. They clearly love their image more than their family and friends.

RiotAndAlarum · 26/05/2018 07:20

The invitation came complete with a request for money to

Tell them your present is going to have to be a massive takeaway to share with other guests! Perhaps you could get some ketchup on the B&G's clothes?

MumofBoysx2 · 26/05/2018 07:30

the afternoon tea sounds OK as a buffet (obviously nicer if it is artfully arranged on each table) but the total lack of evening food is stingy, yes. What will people do between 4pm and midnight or whenever? Lots of shifts at the local pub doesn't sound very unifying or generous!

Yorkshirebetty · 26/05/2018 07:36

It is about love and commitment and sharing the day but it's also very rude to invite people without catering for them. Otherwise it's just about the pictures, not ensuring everyone is relaxed and comfortable. If you can't afford it don't do it. I went to one where the afternoon tea was very meagre indeed which just seems poor hosting.

HermioneWeasley · 26/05/2018 07:40

I think it’s awful. If you can’t afford to feed your guests, you can’t afford that wedding. Doesn’t have to be expensive - they could put bacon butties on in the evening, but as hosts it’s not ok to invite people and then offer no hospitality (IMO)

burnoutbabe · 26/05/2018 07:41

Decent buffet places would arrange for people to serve so that the food doesn't run out. Or they would put each tables allocation on each table.
I'd probably just say I wouldn't be attending or if I had to go, I'd be leaving after the reception.

KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 07:43

The bride and groom need to make it known to the evening guests that they're expected to go to the pub next door to pay for their own food. Or they're going to be very upset when a lot of people fuck off and don't come back.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/05/2018 07:47

YANBU everyone’s going to be starving. It can be quite tricky to get the timings right for weddings, especially ones starting around lunch time. But that just sounds like they don’t care about the basic needs of their guests at all. I think I’d go for large brunch beforehand and book a table at the pub now for dinner before evening do.

Biker47 · 26/05/2018 07:47

They're well aware what they're doing, given that they've mentioned people being hungry and their being a pub serving food next door. They're doing the wedding on the cheap hoping people will pay for their own meals next door. I wouldn't go.

PuppetOnAString · 26/05/2018 07:54

You’ve posted about the this before OP, I remember the bit about being told to go to the pub next door.

Either way, this wedding will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 26/05/2018 07:55

Why would people even bother going to a wedding like this. The b&g are a disgrace.
They’ve probably calculated they’ll get a mimum tenner from each guest.
12.45 wedding means that people will probably be leaving home by about 10/ 11am.
The b&g have focused on the wedding and not on the guests

GreenTulips · 26/05/2018 07:55

Mummyoflittledragon exactly what do you mean by this comment?

Clearly sarcasm

speakout · 26/05/2018 07:56

OP rather than challenging or complaining I would maintain dignity.
Stay for the ceremony and speeches then leave.

NorthernLurker · 26/05/2018 07:56

We were invited to church and evening at a localish wedding last month. We duly turned up in the evening mildly peckish which changed to absolutely starving as no food was served at all. Not so much as a crisp. Of course the wedding party had had a three course meal, it was just the second division guests. We went straight to Mac Donald's on the way home! It was miserable.

Snausage · 26/05/2018 07:58

I think the PP who said that they've Insta-planned their wedding is spot on. The day sounds bloody awful, to be fair. The B&G sound rather thoughtless. I'd be mortified if I'd invited people, even just to my home, over a mealtime and they left hungry. To then ask for money as well is just uncouth. No food and having to buy your own booze sounds miserable.

I'm planning my wedding for the end of the year and have kept the number of people we're inviting low, specifically so that we can afford to feed amd water them. We are skimping on other things (cheap venue, inexpensive dress, invites from eBay, doing buttonholes, bouquets and table decorations myself with supermarket flowers) to ensure that people have a great time (and don't feel they have to order pizza). Mumofboysx2 is right, their food sounds ok for an evening buffet. If you're close enough to the couple, I'd mention something to them... Otherwise their special day will always be remembered by their guests as a shit time.