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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/05/2018 10:15

@LoislovesStewie - I don't think anyone has agreed it's ok for the exW to let herself in, but most think it's ok for the young adults to let themselves into what was their home. (And yes, if your parents divorce, even if you normally were at your mums, your dad's house is your home too).

The OP hasn't mentioned the ExW letting herself in though, only cases when the adult dsc let their mum in. Which is not the same thing at all!

Op - perhaps your mistake was believing that parents stop being parents when their dc hit 18, for most, it's a while afterwards before they fully have an adult relationship.

MumW · 26/05/2018 10:22

I have a key to my parents house. My dad is disabled so has difficulty getting up to open the door. My mum is his carer and sometimes can't answer the door as she is tied up helping him.

I always ring before visiting. I put the key in the lock, ring the bell then open the door and shout "it's only me, is it ok to come in?"
No problem, no boundaries crossed, we're all happy with th arrangement.

LoislovesStewie · 26/05/2018 10:27

I have 2 adult kids aged 26 and 22; I know I don't stop being a parent just because they are adults . In fact they both live at home. But I also give them their privacy; I don't walk into bedrooms, I knock or call upstairs if I need to talk to them, we lock bathroom/wc/shower room doors and I don't go through their things. If/when they leave home I would like to have the same respect that I give them. I would like them to phone rather than arrive unannounced and realize that I have a life too. Perhaps after years of not having much time to myself I would appreciate that. Of course I want to see them and be involved in their lives but surely that isn't too much to ask for?

LoislovesStewie · 26/05/2018 10:30

Which is why I have made the comments previously, it's about respect.

TheOriginalEmu · 26/05/2018 10:32

OP. The reason I don’t go in at my dads if the door is locked is that I don’t have a key. If I had one, I would. And it’s never been suggested otherwise. At the end of the day, your DP chooses to let his children have keys. You are the new person in this, not them. His children will always be his children and should he want them to have open access to his home, then you have the choice to accept it, or leave. His children should matter more than you.

SandyY2K · 26/05/2018 10:40

I think this thread just shows how unreasonable people can be in life.

My DD goes to Uni this year (fingers crossed), she'll obviously keep her front door keys, but id expect her to let us know when she's coming home.

Simply because I don't want to be sitting down and hear the door opening and think it's a burglar and get startled. That's quite scary. Or to come home and see things moved around if I didn't expect anyone else to be home.

When I was away studying... sometimes I'd surprise my parents with a visit home.. but my parents aren't the type to be naked in the living room and as soon as I opened the door... I shouted outed Hi mum hi dad. Again... I didn't want to give them a heart attack.

BlueEyedPersephone · 26/05/2018 10:40

OP, I think you are being given a tough time. The adult children who are not living, so not staying overnight and commuting to school/ work or not staying in holidays should of course knock before using a key. This would be respectful in any situation where you are not staying for more than 24hrs. But having said this, it is for your dp to agree and discuss with his children as it is his house and they are his children. Once you own a house together you will need to pre-agree the boundaries again that you are both happy with.

EggysMom · 26/05/2018 11:20

MN is very divided on this, some that are happy to simply walk into the houses belonging to other members of their family, others that would knock and wait. I'm in the latter group, my parents' house was my house for a number of years and I have retained a key, but I would never use it to enter unannounced. Meh. Each to their own.

What is important is for the OP to have a frank conversation with their partner about their obviously different viewpoints on this - she thinks adult children should knock and wait, he thinks they should just walk in. It's nothing to do with the fact they are his children, as they are now adults with homes of their own. It's to do with having two different opinions on this, just as MN members have two different opinions. They need to talk and try to agree a compromise that they can both live with, whether that is taking away keys, talking to the adult children involved, or finding an additional lock mechanism (eg bolt) that can be used at certain times.

Original poster

Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 11:42

I agree with your post EggysMom. I should say that DP would prefer them not to use the key if he is at home. He was annoyed with his DD for doing this long before we even met. He doesn’t have a problem with her letting herself in but that she seems to think he should drop everything he is doing just because she is there. For example when she walked in on our romantic dinner, she thought she could join in which he thought was not on. He has said to her that he loves having her round and that she is welcome to use the house when he is not there, but it is his home and she needs to respect that.

He adores all of his children but has the most issues with this DD. She didn’t like her dad dating after the divorce and thinks that he should get back together with her Mum now that she is single again.

OP posts:

Zebra31 · 26/05/2018 12:00

YANBU regarding the ex wife. She shouldn’t just walk in.

YABVU regarding his DC. Their mother or fathers home will always be their home and they should be able to go in as and when they like. He gave them keys for a reason.

No chance would anyone tell me my daughter couldn’t come into my home. My daughter will always come first. His DC should also come first. As his new partner you should be respectful of his relationship with his DC.

You have only been around 12 months Op. His DC have had keys and been going round to their and their fathers home since he moved in 5 years ago. Their age is irrelevant. Their his DC. You can’t just walk in and try taking over their home after 12 months.

LoislovesStewie · 26/05/2018 12:17

FWIW, I had a stepmother. I realized that if their marriage was going to succeed they needed some space to make that happen. My dad and stepmother have now passed away and they are buried in the same grave as my mother as we all thought he should spend eternity with the 2 women he loved most and who both loved him. I was glad he had that second chance and allowing them time to themselves gave their relationship room to flourish. I knew he loved me; I didn't need to compete with my stepmother. So perhaps the daughter needs to give her father some space.

pigeondujour · 26/05/2018 12:19

OP, how old are you and your partner?

Original poster

Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 12:20

Thank you LoislovesStewie for your measured and intelligent responses.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 26/05/2018 12:31

It does sound as if the DD has her own issues, and it's really about her not liking the fact that her dad is seeing another woman, when she wants him to get back together with her mum. Her dad does need to nip this in the bud.

MiggeldyHiggins · 26/05/2018 12:33

Its not even remotely odd that adult children have a key to their parents house. I have one for PIL's house, as do all of their children, their partners and all the grandkids.

Louiselouie0890 · 26/05/2018 12:34

It's just respect and comfort in there own home. It's not about childhood home or any home at all. There not kids anymore. A person has a right to be comfortable. I still go home knock on and then go and help myself to the fridge and a drink. Just because I knock doesn't mean I'm not trustworthy or it's not my home or I'm not comfortable. It's simply just respect for a person's privacy.

He let OP move in she has a right to feel comfortable in her home. Asking they knock is not making them unwelcome.

The 25 year old knows exactly what she's doing and she needs to grow the hell up.

HappyLollipop · 26/05/2018 12:38

I still have a key to my parents house but I wouldn't dream of just turning up like that, I'd always plan in advance and give them a ring when I'm on my way. I'd get your husband to have a chat with his kids about how important it is to at least give a call to make sure if it's OK as it's very selfish behaviour that if it continues you'd have no choice but to take the key back!

SoapOnARoap · 26/05/2018 12:44

YABU

EggysMom · 26/05/2018 12:44

I should say that DP would prefer them not to use the key if he is at home. He was annoyed with his DD for doing this long before we even met. He doesn’t have a problem with her letting herself in but that she seems to think he should drop everything he is doing just because she is there.

In which case your DP needs to stand up to his daughter as well as taking preventative measures. Get him to change the locks but also get him to explain to his DD why he is not giving her a key to the new locks, to explain that she is a visitor and will be treated as such.

bakingdemon · 26/05/2018 12:52

Totally on the side of the OP. Our parents each have a set of keys to our house, but they live quite far away. It's entirely so that when they do come to stay, they don't have to wait for us to get back from work to get settled in. I would be livid if they turned up and let themselves in and we didn't know they were coming. I hate having people in my home when I don't know they're coming, and I really don't like people being in my home when I'm not there.

Zebra31 · 26/05/2018 13:16

It wouldn’t surprise me if the DC are upset or resentful. Their father has know someone 12 months who’s now trying to dictate the access they have had to their fathers family home.

Maybe you need to work on your relationship with his DC first and then you may get the acceptance you feel should be automatic. Then you can discuss as adults how all your relationships work going forward. I really believe you can’t just walk in after 12 months and start dictating terms.

How do you manage the relationship with your DC Op? Do they have to make prearranged appointments/timeslots to visit? This may well be a difference in relationship attitudes. How do you manage this situation with your DC?

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 26/05/2018 13:26

Do you have a doorbell?

They are his kids no matter what age but I'd say ringing the doorbell first then waiting a few seconds allows you to prepare they are entering.

Original poster

Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 13:31

Zebra, you are making an awful lot of assumptions there. Where on Earth you get the idea that I’m “dictating” terms? Quite a lot of projecting there I think.

Also, FWIW, my relationship with all the other DC’s and indeed the ex wife is good.

OP posts:

DitheringBlidiot · 26/05/2018 13:33

If you moved into his house then the kids are going to continue as they always have - clearly he doesn’t have an issue with it. YWBVU to take the key off her. Why would you want them to feel uncomfortable?

Original poster

Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 13:33

Dithering, RTFT

OP posts:

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