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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Fflamingo · 26/05/2018 05:57

I would say it is a power play by the oldest DD.
They may have walked into the DF's home in the past but he has a new partner now and they should respect another adult's privacy.
Has the DM not moved on so they are 'punishing' DF for doing so.
DCs walk into my home but not unnanounced, not on a whim, why would they me and DH might be out, or have other guests. At the least they would txt.

Booie09 · 26/05/2018 05:58

I moved out of my family home 20 years ago and when my dad was alive he always said that this was are home to, if my mum met a new partner and then said we must knock before we come in that would be weird! I still see my childhood home as my own.

3333hh44 · 26/05/2018 06:05

I'd embarrass them next time they do it
"Oh it's a good job you didn't pop in 5 minutes ago, you'd have caught us having sex on the kitchen floor. In fact you've nearly caught us several times. Pretty soon you will and surely that won't be a nice sight for you. Perhaps best to knock everytime you come in"

flumpybear · 26/05/2018 06:06

They need to give a bit of a warning they're coming otherwise you'd never feel you could just relax or walk around naked etc 'just in case' someone decides to pop in with an entourage

Fruitbat1980 · 26/05/2018 06:34

Change the locks, assume it’s only front door key they have? At the point they realise say oh yes lost key had to get locksmith, we’ll get new ones cut for you, then don’t. Simples.

LoislovesStewie · 26/05/2018 06:54

I would not be happy with other people just walking in to my home. I understand that we are talking about adult children but I would just be constantly on edge wondering if I was going to get up, come out of the bathroom etc to find another person in the house. I would not have just walked into my family home, I would have phoned first as it is polite to do so. I think the father might find that he is shortly living by himself if he doesn't ask his kids to be respectful of his partner.

AdeliciousRex · 26/05/2018 07:39

I really think you're projecting at Hedda, OP. She's been very polite on this thread. I'm guessing you've read other posts by her, been stung, and waited to lash out? You seem particularly cross at her defending ex-wives.

The thing is, you've moved very fast in this relationship. One year and you've moved in, you've been there long enough to pissed off by them and want to change their lives, and seem to want to get married to shove it in their faces that you're there to stay etc.

You're also very judgey of the Mum whereas after a 20 year (!) relationship with four kids and a huge complicated life together, they're still happily in touch, so presumably they've come to peace with things, and maybe there were reasons for it ending the way it did.

Talk to your partner, talk about moving house ideally as that will unconsciously shift things anyway - but if he doesn't get it or want to change things, you need to move on.

Anditstartsagain · 26/05/2018 08:03

None of my family knock just open and shout when it's an arranged visit but there is always a call/text saying i'm coming over ok? None of us would ever just walk in

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2018 08:04

Tread v carefully with this op. The DD who is doing this clearly has not resolved her parents splitting up even before you arrived on the scene and the speed this is all going is not helping

First of you do NOTHING at all. It’s not your place, if you want to marry this man you should love him enough to want to make sure his relationships with his children remain the same

He needs to be the one to solve this firstly by making it clear (perhaps with the ex wife) that then splitting up was correct and both are happy and then let him come up with ground rules everyone is happy with you having your home and her still feeling she has a place with her Dad

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 08:10

Op is being very reasonable, she is not saying that the adult children cannot come, just to have some respect, it is not only their dad's home, but her's as well. It is therefore polite to call before coming to see if it is convenient. Hell I would want my biological adult children to do that, as I might be out, or being intimate with dh, and don't want a whole entouge with kids letting themselves in when in the throes of passion, I had that enough when they were kids fgs!

Deckthehallswithjammydodgers · 26/05/2018 08:16

My parents split when I was 18 if either of my step parents had decided that we must knock it would have felt like they certainly didn't want us round. As it is I have to phone ahead purely because I'm disabled and need help. But both my step parents have been amazing at treating myself and my siblings like actual people not a nuisance or an annoyance which has made our relationship easy and loving.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 08:24

My goodness, if it were the other way round, and parents just letting themselves into their children's home, the answers would be very different. I have seen it. Answers such as: take away the key, instil boundaries, how rude and disrespectful etc. Funny its a free for all when its kids letting themselves into their parents home when they want.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 08:25

I would certainly call my mum before I come to hers as its respectful.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2018 08:25

I think people are weird about this, my df pops into my house to drop stuff off etc when we're out. He wouldn't be offended at me doing the same, but he has a burglar alarm which I can never remember how to operate Grin.

I don't think this is about keys, but about the oldest dc having an issue with the OP and trying to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home.

Boundaries are deeper than this, df would never go upstairs in my house for example or start criticising the cleaning, emptying my washing basket etc, MIL doesn't let herself in but does all of the above which I find really intrusive.

I think if it was me I would want to move actually, I'm not sure I could ever be happy in the 'family home'.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 08:35

I remember as a student, I was having sex with my boyfriend in my room of my rented house, and my landlady just let herself in and her kids without letting us know, and one of her kids ran up opened our door and caught us. I wasen't happy at all. That kind of thing riles me ever since.

Lizzie48 · 26/05/2018 08:39

You should always knock before going into someone else's house, it's just good manners. Unless you actually live there yourself. But it's your DP who needs to deal with this not you.

I also can't believe that some posters are saying to change the locks. This is a very new relationship and you could potentially end up destroying his relationship with his DC, so tread carefully.

The Ex having a key is just weird, though.

happypoobum · 26/05/2018 08:49

I think the only thing that will change that is marriage.

I can't understand why you would think that would change anything? Confused

Their dad will still be their dad and most parents would not tell their DC, no matter how adult, that they cannot come round whenever they want, or demand keys back.

Are you much younger than DP? Do you have DC of your own? Do you actually live at his house full time? I would have thought that unlikely considering the short length of the relationship.

NukaColaGirl · 26/05/2018 08:52

My Dad doesn’t live local any more, but when he did, I’d knock before I went in. I always had a key but only used it when him and my (lovely) Step Mum were away and asked me to pop in to do bits.

On the flip side, my ExDP walks into my home and has his own key to my place (as he looks after our D.C. here after school whilst I’m at Uni - he lives too far away to make it worth him driving them to his home for a few hours) and I’m totally fine with him doing that, however we do have a bit of a strange relationship (or so I’m told) and are probably in each other’s pockets slightly too much however we both have demanding careers and to excel we both need to accommodating to the other and in regular contact. We’re also both single and have been for years so I think that makes a difference too.

But I totally agree OP, it’s not on... Could you get a chain or a bolt for the door if you can’t take her key from her?

LoislovesStewie · 26/05/2018 09:22

I'm curious to know what people do then when they fancy a bit of peace and quiet? If you think it's ok for adult children and the ex partner to let themselves in at any point, how do you get any privacy or just quiet time? Don't you think everyone deserves that? I just feel it must be stressful to wonder when others might wander in.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 26/05/2018 09:23

OP you are being unreasonable on a number of levels. Originally you said all the dc + the ex wife were letting themselves in and pages later it transpires it is only 1 dc. You are also very unreasonable to state that your boyfriend (you haven't even been together a year!) needs to be former with his boundaries. They are his boundaries, it really isn't up to you to dictate how he needs to behave with his family.

You are very new on the scene, I think if your DP is serious about marriage then perhaps you need to buy a new house where you can both set new boundaries. What does your DP thin k about that? He might be horrified at the thought of his dc not having a key.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 09:30

It is certainly something op needs to discuss with her dp. But I don't feel op is being unreasoned at all for boundaries to be respected.

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2018 09:31

OP do you want your DP to be estranged from his children - because taking the key and/or buying a new house could lead to that.

If you love him you really do need to think about that - however unreasonable she is being (and to a certain extent she is) she is his daughter

happypoobum · 26/05/2018 09:35

I'm curious to know what people do then when they fancy a bit of peace and quiet?

Lois I have one DD at uni and one splits his time between here, his GF and his DF. I can honestly say that I am so bloody pleased to see them when they let themselves in, they can disrupt any peace and quiet I am having. They are more important to me than any new partner.

I think that is the issue here. OP has to accept that she will never be above the DC in the pecking order.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 26/05/2018 09:42

Aero if the boundaries were mutually decided by both of them then that is reasonable, but from what she has said OP moved into her partner's home fairly recently and thinks her partner's boundaries with his dc are not appropriate. As a guest in someone else's home you don't unilaterally decide that!

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 26/05/2018 09:44

I have been in this situation as a teen btw, dad's gf moved in and we did not suddenly shift in our heads to it being their home, it took years for me to think of it like that. For us dc she was moving into our home.