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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 25/05/2018 23:03

This reminds me of when my DSis married her second DH (they have now been married for 10 years with a his DS from his previous marriage and 3 DC together). When they first got together, his ex MIL had a key to his house and used to let herself in. There had been a good reason previously, as he was his DS's primary carer because his ex had been unable to cope and had left. (She'd had PND she hadn't recovered from.)

Obviously once he married my DSis, she wasn't going to accept his ex MIL just letting herself in so she made it clear what her boundaries were from the start, and they moved to a new house not long afterwards, without any bad feeling afterwards.

Setting boundaries doesn't need to cause any upset, but it does need to happen. But your bf needs to be on board. If he isn't then only you know if you're prepared to put up with it.

Badhairday1001 · 25/05/2018 23:07

I never knock at my mums and stepdads, just let myself in. My mum would be mortified if I started knocking on the door first! My children will never need to knock, they’ll have a key and let themselves in, it’s their home too. My boundaries may be loose though, my friends don’t knock either, just open the door and shout. I love people just dropping by but it’s not for everyone.

Ontheboardwalk · 25/05/2018 23:11

My mum changed the locks due to the fact my brother kept going in when she was out and going through her stuff. He’s not got a key now as she felt unnerved seeing stuff had been moved whilst she was out.

I’ve got a key, I will always text or knock before I arrive, she does the same. Not sure about being worried about her seeing me getting down and dirty on the kitchen floor, more I’m in my dodgy looking pyjamas eating haribos on the sofa

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 23:19

to expect DC to knock at the door like other visitors to her home?

It's an awkward one because the DCs aren't like other visitors. They're family. To the DP. And to the OP, really, especially if she wants to marry into this family. Doesn't mean they should have some respect and sensitivity but really, it's not like when the vicar comes to visit for tea and cake is it?

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 23:20

*shouldn't.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 23:22

I can understand why folk feel funny about their stepchildren or inlaws popping by as they are not lifelong family members but really, you would care about your own mother who gave birth to you and changed your nappy seeing you slobbing out? Or are you worried she will judge you?

My mother sometimes passively-aggressively re-arranges my cushions but she leaves soup in the fridge so meh.

thegreylady · 25/05/2018 23:24

I can’t imagine any of our dc, sdc or dgc knocking! As long as we are alive our home is their home and they are welcome to anything in it.

cadburyegg · 25/05/2018 23:24

I can’t believe the amount of posters who think it’s ok to just change the locks and let the dc find out when they try and open the door... wtf??? If my parents had a problem with me letting myself in they would TELL ME and we would talk about it and resolve the situation like mature adults. Don’t people of MN know how to do that?

Lazypuppy · 25/05/2018 23:33

@user1493413286 yep i turn up at mum's and nan's unannounced, just shout hello as i walk through the door. How our family has always been.

My mum does the same at mine and my partners house. He prefers it. When he moved out his mum took his key away which he was really hurt by.

Just because you move out of parents doesn't stop it being your home! I still have a room i can sleep in if i ever need to and it is where my LO will sleep when she has sleepovers at nannys.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 25/05/2018 23:33

I know, cadbury! Probs the same folk who won't allow visitors for at least 6 months after the baby is born. (Said "visitors" include their own parents and grandparents!)

Some people on here seem to actively loathe and distrust their own families!

QuoadUltra · 25/05/2018 23:37

OP, I think your behaviour towards the ones who were 16&18 is particularly misguided - they grew up in that house.

Yes, you can tell yourself they are adults but they are very young and you are very recent.

You sound quite young yourself. Are you planning DCs with this man?

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/05/2018 23:39

it's not like when the vicar comes to visit for tea and cake is it

Well, no. Because the vicar doesn't pointedly unlock a door he's been asked not to let himself through in order to walk in on an 'intimate and romantic' moment.

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/05/2018 23:40

And the one who is pushing it isn't a teen away at uni. She's a 25yo with kids of her own!

HagSeed · 25/05/2018 23:41

I couldn't cope with with my DSC letting themselves in unannounced, or anyone else for that matter. I wouldn't dream of walking into my parents' house either, and DH has to ring his parents in advance if he wants to visit. Privacy is important in our families, and it is respected. I don't think it's too much to ask.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/05/2018 23:44

I was going to write a very different post. Honestly, Idoidoido, I was thinking very strongly that you were being very unreasonable.

But the post that said it was actually only one of his DC who let herself in (and that she was married) changed my mind.

In defence of how I was going to lay into you, you DO say in your OP that you are thoroughly pissed off and you imply it's ALL the DC and the ex wife (although you row back pretty quick from the ex, she's still an example you list in your OP).

So, as it's just ONE child who does this, and it's alongside other behaviours that seem to challenge you and your relationship, then this is what you should be focussing on with your DP. Your title and OP are actually quite misleading (not a criticism, it's MN at it's best if it's helped you to zone in and appreciate what is the ACTUAL problem rather than what you thought was the problem).

So if there has been a shift, and the problem isn't all the DC (and ex) having a key to your house, then let this thread help you deal with that.
Perhaps talk to the DD. Perhaps have a conversation with your DP and then let him deal with her. Find ways to work on your relationship with her, maybe?

I can't not say this...
I NEVER knocked at my parents house - my childhood home.

They downsized about 15 years ago, and gave me and DSis keys. We'd never have dreamed of knocking (usually, they saw us coming due to the geography, and by the time we got to the front door, it was open).
Time passes.

DDad is dead. DM is in a new relationship with a man I hate (there have been threads. MN universally agreed). Mum moved at the end of last year. I was never given a key. It was never suggested, and I would never have asked. New boyfriend has one. It's like a little stake through my heart every time I have to ring the buzzer to her flat when she deigns to let me in. I don't visit often.

It would be mean of you to put his children in that position.

Even if you moved in on your first date, you've lived there less than 1/5th of the time they've been encouraged to think of it as home.

HeddaGarbled · 25/05/2018 23:58

OP, I "pontificate" from the position of an older woman who sees so many young women give up their independence to move in with men when they are still at the honeymoon stage of the relationship only to find they are homeless and financially compromised when the rose-tinted specs fall off.

If you don't like my advice, that's up to you, but there's no need to be so rude.

Bouledeneige · 26/05/2018 00:01

I think a father's home should be his children's. Not the Ex though.

40isnew50 · 26/05/2018 00:14

His children are part of the package imo, grown up or not. I still walk into my mum's house without knocking and did so even when my stepdad was alive.

If it bothers you then put your own key in the lock or put the snib down when you are going for a shower or having time with your partner. That way they kids can't get in even with a key.

The ex-wife needs a word though. Not her life anymore.

emmyrose2000 · 26/05/2018 00:24

It's not okay for the ex to just walk in, but on everything else you're being unreasonable.

emmyrose2000 · 26/05/2018 00:26

Yes, I agree. If I went to my parents' home and suddenly found my key didn't work, and there hadn't been any indication of a problem prior to that, we'd certainly have a problem now!

Original poster

Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 00:37

HeddaGarbled. Yes, you are right there. There is no need to be so rude. The irony of your post!

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2018 00:40

@Badhairday1001 "I love people just dropping by but it’s not for everyone."

Don't you ever get a heart attack when people just turn up. When my husband turn up from an evening out it gives me a real shock!

I really do not think one's childhood home remains your always home. When I used to visit my parents I knew it was not still my home despite it being all very familiar.

If you choose to change the locks, OP please do tell you kids. You can give any reason you like but I would certainly tell them in advance. Ideally, you should not need to change the locks and your dp should talk to his kids and explain just letting themselves in is not OK.

Parky04 · 26/05/2018 00:41

As soon as DC move out they forfeit the key. If they want to come round then they let you know.

soapboxqueen · 26/05/2018 01:14

As other pp have said, this is more about what is usual in your family rather than what is 'right or wrong'. My whole family have an open door policy, in-laws included. I find it really odd that other people don't (family members who are thieves, abusive etc not with standing)

My df especially would be really hurt if I started calling before I came around. I'm 38 with 2 children and I still don't ask. I also know that if my df was with a new partner and she decided this was not to be the case, she wouldn't be around for long. My df lives for his family particularly his grandchildren nobody would get in the way of that.

You need to have a talk with your dp but be prepared that you might not get the solution you are after.

iheartmichellemallon · 26/05/2018 05:25

Very good point soap, this isn't a right or wrong situation but rather how things work in each family & what are the individual norms.

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