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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His children and ex wife let themselves in the house

285 replies

Idoidoido · 25/05/2018 20:24

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

I’ve been in a relationship for just under a year. He was married 20 years with 4 DCs and divorced 5 years before we got together.

His DC’s are grown up, 2 are married and 2 are at university.

He is still close to his ex wife in a mother of his children way, but the relationship is purely platonic.

We are very happy together and are talking about marriage. But I have a huge bug bear which is that his children have zero boundaries. On my birthday for example, we were having an intimate and romantic evening when we were interrupted by his dd walking in, having let herself into the house. Then another time, I was coming out of the shower wrapped in just a towel when I came face to face with his ex wife and 2 DCs who has “popped round” to borrow the BBQ.

He is mortified each time and has told them that they need to respect his, and now our, home. His ex wife is, to be fair, has been respectful of this. But one of his DCs still carries on regardless.

Short of taking the key off her, it feels like nothing will change.

WWYD?

OP posts:
bsbabas · 26/05/2018 13:34

I would walk into my parents house that I grew up in but my dad hasn't remarried and remained in the house

Kaykay06 · 26/05/2018 13:36

Just because you used to live somewhere, like your childhood home or parents house doesn’t give you the right to just walk in as an adult. If you have a key, let parent know you’re visiting knock and enter when you arrive. Basic manners, just appearing and expecting your parents to just drop what they are doing to entertain you, newsflash parents have lives other than their kids. Keys of course can be given but I’d get a chain too, and a chat about visiting and what you’re happy with, fine if open visiting and barging in is fine with you but not all families are like that. And of course same goes for parents visiting kids, mutual respect etc goes a long way.

user7469322 · 26/05/2018 13:38

I'd hate this scenario so I'd have the locks changed.

Zebra31 · 26/05/2018 13:39

Oh dear. You are a little confrontational Op. Is this how you are IRL? For clarity I am not projecting. My father died when I was three and my mother has been in a relationship for 20 years. We didn’t have any issues blending. DH and I are still happily married so no reason for projecting.

If you have such a great relationship with his kids why are you on here badmouthing them? Why are you suggesting the oldest has issues with your relationship? You sound like you resent the relationship they have with their Father.

How do you manage this situation with your kids. I genuinely am interested in how you approach this with your DC?

ltk · 26/05/2018 13:40

Anyone who is not a fulltime occupant of the home should text first and knock/ring on arrival. They may be welcome, but OP needs to know who is in her home!

Gillian1980 · 26/05/2018 13:41

He needs to be clear with them that he (and you) have a right to privacy. My DH and I both have keys to our parents houses, though they’re not the homes we grew up in. We don’t let ourselves in though unless asked to do so.

The ex-wife is a step beyond that.... that’s really awkward.

happypoobum · 26/05/2018 13:56

OP can you answer the questions about your age and whether you have DC of your own? If so, what are the rules around them accessing the house? Also, you haven't said whether or not you live there full time or still have a place of your own.

For some reason I have a vision of a much younger new GF riling up the long established family Smile

If DP doesn't want to change the locks to his house or ask his DD for the keys back then you know where you are really. I don't think you should be the one to do it.

whyayepetal · 26/05/2018 14:36

Perhaps you DP needs to have another chat with his DD to establish the boundaries. There may be some confusion around being able to let herself in when he's not there, and that being OK, and being expected not to do this when he is there.

Does your DP have a key to his DDs house, with the same rules? How would her DH feel if is DFIL let himself in to the house in the same sort of way? Would she and her DH be comfortable with that?

Maybe your DP could get her to consider that so that his relationship with DD stays as strong while moving forward so that they are both respecting each others' boundaries and preferences. Good luck OP and hope things are resolved in a way that suits you all.

whyayepetal · 26/05/2018 14:38

Sorry - some rather iffy sentences in that post Blush

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 26/05/2018 14:50

Not RTFT but... My parents divorced when I was small, didn't remarry, I left home at 18 and am now late 20s.

I don't pop around unannounced because I live on the other side of the country, but I would be monumentally unhappy if either parent took the key to my childhood homes off me - and if a new partner was behind it would affect my relationship with that new partner.

YABU

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2018 14:52

I, along with both my siblings have keys to my mums, that she now shares with her partner.

We all knock on the door. It's just respectful of someone's space. That was our family home, but its not my home anymore, its my mums and her partners.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 14:56

OP I totally agree with you, it is rude and intrusive. They are adults now and presumably have their own homes and lives, I don't think they would want their dad letting themselves into their home as and when they want. If your dp is having problems with them letting themselves in, than he should take their keys, and address it with them. He is entitled to privacy and a private life, without the worry of his adult child letting themselves in when he is having a private moment with his partner.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 14:56

It does not matter if she is new, op is his partner, companion, and they are entitled to privacy.

Lockheart · 26/05/2018 14:57

I have keys to my parents house but unless it was an emergency I'd never dream of rocking up and letting myself in without calling ahead. It will always be "home-home" for me but it's not my house anymore!

angieloumc · 26/05/2018 15:03

OP people aren't rude just because they don't agree with you. Everyone is entitled to different opinions.
My DC (2 adult, 1 uni, 1 school age) have a SM who has made it absolutely impossible for them to have a relationship with their DF. The 2 eldest no longer see him, he's not even met his grandson, and the 2 youngest rarely and now not when she is there so not in their father's home; the one they grew up in till 8 years ago.
I'm not saying you're like her but it started off with things like that, giving their keys back, not allowed to see their DF when she had her grandson (same age as DD). The most vitriol is saved for my DD who is 13 years old 😳

categed · 26/05/2018 15:09

Ultimately its dp house what does he want? He needs to be the one to make the decision here. If the two of you co habitate and he sees the house as your home rather than just you staying with him, then you need to agree joint personal boundaries. That doesn't necessarily mean he will agree with you, he may as other posters have said decide a quick knock or bell ring is enough then let themselves in. I think joining a ready made family can be difficult and lots of compromises will have to be made. I hope non of his children read this though or you may not have a great relationship after 😣

Ohyesiam · 26/05/2018 15:26

This could be quickly sorted out by ensuring you are shagging on the kitchen floor permenantly, until she catches you in the act ( make sure you Zoflora it afterwards of course).

If she doesn’t start knocking after that..... we’ll thats another thread.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 15:30

Love LoislovesStewie posts, very measured and sensible, unlike some of the pearl clutches on here. My kids are young still, and I am not a step mum, but I would not like them letting themselves into my home without asking me first or checking, they will still always be welcome, but I my own space. I might be having a romantic moment with dh, or a nice soak in the bath. I in turn would not walk into their home unannounced it is rude. It is about respect and boundaries. There are some right dramatics on here, projecting.

However it is up to op partner, if he is not happy with it either, than he needs to address this with his ADULT children, if he is ok with it, it is something you have to accept or not and move on.

Zebra31 · 26/05/2018 15:39

This could be quickly sorted out by ensuring you are shagging on the kitchen floor permenantly, until she catches you in the act ( make sure you Zoflora it afterwards of course).

Grin. Just spat my Brew out Grin

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 26/05/2018 15:50

I don't have a key to my parent's house. I ring the bell and wait to be let in. In an emergency I can pick the key up from the neighbor. I don't need to come and go from their house (being 37, married with 2DC of my own). I don't come in and borrow stuff without asking. I find that's just a very respectful and healthy way to be. It's not my home, I have my own and I don't allow anyone keys to my home either.

I don't feel excluded or unloved because I have to knock on the door. It doesn't enter my head to want a key to somewhere that isn't my home or house.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 15:52

Thank god for commonsense whatwouldkeith, I totally agree with you. I have keys to my elderly mums house, but that is for emergency. I would always call or knock, its respectful.

Jaxhog · 26/05/2018 16:08

Yikes, YANBU. At the very least they should ring the bell to check it's ok to come in. You could always be in the middle of sex next time! That would stop them.

But It's a tricky one when it's their former home. But there's the clue - FORMER home. Take the key back or change the locks.

Gamecharger · 26/05/2018 16:24

Hi OP haven't rtft but I wouldn't be happy with this situation at all. How would they feel if you had keys to their homes and turned up to borrow their bbq! etc... It's your home and you should be able to have privacy in yr own home. I would solve it by either getting a new front door hence new keys, don't give them any. Or change the lock saying it was faulty etc and don't give them keys. At least yr OH is on yr side if I have read that right and that's half thr battle. Good luck. I hope u manage to sort it out amicably. Smile

Original poster
Idoidoido · 26/05/2018 18:22

Thank you aeroflot and whatwouldkeith. That’s exactly it really, and what DP is disappointed about too. He brought his DC’s up to be polite and respectful.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 26/05/2018 22:32

If it wasn't their childhood home then why on earth should they have keys! I bet you don't have a key to his ex's home, or his DCs homes! If he won't take back the keys, then gently suggest that you all have keys to each others homes. Seems only fair. But I'm betting they won't like this.