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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

986 replies

strawberryperogi · 24/05/2018 17:10

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

OP posts:
boomboom12 · 27/05/2018 08:25

I get that completely Pa1oma, my father was an investment banker & my mum a SAHM & his job was all consuming which is why I didn’t follow him into that world or choose a partner with a similar ethos, of course I’m lucky that his sacrifices have given me choice. But I don’t think many people on this thread are necessarily in that bracket.

boomboom12 · 27/05/2018 08:28

Also they are now separated & my mum is financially completely taken care of but I still think one should be aware of financial vulnerability because life is expensive!

Magpiesarehuge · 27/05/2018 09:12

It’s important to think of Financial vulnerability and I wouldn’t recommend completely relying on your partner financially but very few my friends and family hadti deal with the choices/situation i had.

boomboom12 · 27/05/2018 09:25

I just think in today’s world taking a big gap can be detrimental for the future if one ever needs to return to work. Of course certain jobs will always be needed & if your helping out with your partners business/volunteering then you are still maintaining your skills.

Gottagetmoving · 27/05/2018 09:33

I can think of lots of ways I could probably be happy and fulfilled if I had to give up my career - but they're very different from doing sod all

bananafish81 oh dear!... I wasn't suggesting anyone SHOULD sit around doing sod all! I pointed out that it's perfectly possible to be happy doing that for those who think you have to work or busily occupied to feel happy or fulfilled!
I don't give a shit what people choose to do and that's the point...It's nobody's business but yours how you live your life.

Stormy76 · 27/05/2018 09:48

Greytogreen
I don't think all SAHW are lazy cows, just this particular one because they are not in a position for her to be one. They are in financial hardship because she refuses to go to work. If you can afford it ....I couldn't careless, I would love to be able to stay at home but right now we are not in that position......
When we are I will leave work.

bananafish81 · 27/05/2018 09:50

I pointed out that it's perfectly possible to be happy doing that for those who think you have to work or busily occupied to feel happy or fulfilled!

Well of course it is. I can only speak for my experience. I never said anyone else needed to work or raise children to feel fulfilled. I said that I needed to work or be busily occupied to be fulfilled because I was utterly miserable during the 10 months I wasn't able to work. We're all different!!

SweetSummerchild · 27/05/2018 09:50

How can the working one tolerate being sponged off ?

Smallhorse I would very much appreciate it if you could advise me on which course of action you would approve of...

Firstly, I could ‘sponge off’ my husband. He earns a very good wage and has just inherited a six-figure sum.

Alternatively, I could ‘sponge off’ the taxpayer by claiming the disability benefits I am entitled to. All put together, they work out to be the equivalent of a full-time job on NMW. They wouldn’t be means-tested as I’ve paid NI contributions, so DH’s bit fat salary woldn’t be considered.

I wouldn’t be able to get a job. People with my disability find it almost impossible to get paid work.

The phrase ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea’ springs to mind.

cherrytrees123 · 27/05/2018 09:57

Sometimes one partner has to move constantly for work which means the other one cannot establish a career very easily. Or childcare costs eat up all of the other income. Or if one partner is completely exhausted and depleted by their job, the other needs to take up the slack at home or everything would fall apart.

Or perhaps it's detrimental to family life for both partners to be working very long hours, leaving their children in daycare and hardly ever seeing them. Perhaps they put the welfare of their children before money.
A lot of kids these days hardly see their parents and suffer as a result. Something has to give, you can't have it all.

Work is also not always fulfilling. Sometimes it is a necessary chore which adds nothing to a person's wellbeing, quite the reverse. If one partner earns a lot more than the other , why shouldn't one person stay at home to run the family and support the other?

Pa1oma · 27/05/2018 10:15

The point is that you simply can't generalise about these things. Women are usually SAHWs for their own personal reasons. Maybe there is a disability that prevents them working over a given period; maybe they're taking a few years out between jobs or reassessing their options; they could be ex-pat; maybe they live in a very isolated area; or perhaps they're in their 50s and see it as a kind of semi-retirement after the DC have left home?

There are all kinds of scenarios and unless you yourself have lived that scenario, how can you possibly feel in a position to comment?

If you've been at home as a SAHM until the DC leave home and supported your husband in his career, there is an argument to say why the hell should you now get any old job just for the hell of it, when you lost all those years in which you could have built up a "career", not just a job? If a man wants his wife to be at home (and many do) then he can't have his cake and eat it. It's a choice you make and you can't have it both ways.

Apart from the kind of circumstances above, some people simply don't work because they don't have to. If you earn £40k that's a good salary in the normal world. But if your DH clears £4 million a year, you will have a different outlook in life and a different context for the decisions you make. It's true that not many people will fall into this bracket, but nevertheless, it is a fact SAHMs and SAHWs are far more prevalent high-income areas. High pressure jobs mean a cetain impact on the family and being a SAHM or SAHM is often a way of counteracting the stress and trying to maintain some kind of life-balance for the family. At my DC school, probably 80% of women are SAHMs (not SAHWs obviously - yet!) and when you meet the husbands and realise that money often equals higher expectations on everyone and more pressure of a certain kind all round, you would understand why families organise themselves in this way.

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 10:48

The point is that you simply can't generalise about these things.

Agree with this!

900+ posts of women trying to cut each other down, justify their own choices and validate themselves whether working or not, on both sides of the argument. Everyone is different and every circumstance is different so why are people making broad generalisations in either direction? This thread is depressing as fuck!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:04

Why is women having a robust discussion sad as fuck?should we be meek and agreeable
Why can’t women have ideological debate?reducing it cut each other down is dismissive
Reinforcing conscious and unconscious notion women should be nice,not heated,not disagreeable

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:10

Oh bloody hell Lipstick, you've found someone else to have a pop at I see. I said it was depressing as fuck. Because it is.

Because the whole thread appears to be 'you don't work and rely on your husband, how can live with yourself??' Vs 'well at least I have time to get my daily shit done and have time for hobbies too'. It's snipey, not very progressive and sounds very judgemental and argumentative (I'm on about the thread content, not you).

I think in discussing it in the firs place women should be more supportive of each other. That doesn't mean being meek and mild and agreeable at all times, but it does mean reserving judgement.

Why is that difficult?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:14

No it’s not depressing that women have a voice,a strongly held POV
This is never levelled at men,ever.because they’re not expected to be agreeable
Your perpetrating a notion that women must be nice,agreeable,conciliatory
And directly criticising me for having a contrary opinion as if it’s a failing

MiggeldyHiggins · 27/05/2018 11:15

Why is women having a robust discussion sad as fuck?should we be meek and agreeable

Have a robust discussion about a million other things, not judging womens choices. You're not robust, you are rude and judgemental.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:18

women should be more supportive of each other. no,there’s no should about it
No women don’t have an obligation to be supportive.that societal imposition
Can’t you see this notion of women should is in itself a sexist construct
Do you have kids paisley,will you tell dd or dn it’s sad as fuck to have disagreements

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:21

Miggeldy,I’ve addressed you once before on holding gripes and petty posts
On this thread because you recalled unrelated threads,and made critical comments out of context
Perhaps you’re unaware it is bad form to call someone out on unrelated threads

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:26
  • No it’s not depressing that women have a voice,a strongly held POV This is never levelled at men,ever.because they’re not expected to be agreeable Your perpetrating a notion that women must be nice,agreeable,conciliatory And directly criticising me for having a contrary opinion as if it’s a failing*

No, you're entirely entitled to have your opinion, no one is expecting anyone on here to not be able to express it. As for perpetuating a notion that women are expected to be nice and agreeable all the time, that's bollocks too. I just don't see how relentlessly questioning women's lifestyle choices is gaining sweet fuck all. If anything it's regressive. And I'm not just aiming that at you, I aiming it at everyone on this thread really.

Because following my own logic here, why is it that women question other women's lifestyle choices when it really is fuck all to do with them yet women don't seem to lay into men for being bread-winners, nor do men seem to lay into men about these things.

What I'm alluding to is that if women are going to criticise other women for their lifestyles why don't they question men by the same token? Or here's a novel idea, why don't they just accept the fact that people have made choices that work for them to maintain their current lifestyle and just be bloody happy for them.

Or maybe we should all be in agreeable with your opinion, Lipstick, would that help?

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:29

Lipstick, with all due respect you come across as being argumentative for arguments sake. No one is saying that women should be agreeable. But I don't see the point in not supporting your own sex, given that we live in a patriarchal society and all that.

Yes women should support each other. We should also support the males in our lives. They should also support us. That's fair isn't it?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:30

Have a robust discussion about a million other things, not judging womens choices
What?are you suggesting women simply cannot comment on other women choice?
Shall Women refrain from commenting on Theresa May choices?
Shall the UN women leave it to the UN men to addressAung San Suu Kyi on her choices?

How do you think political and ideological movements galvanise?they galvanise because of judgement. The whole repeal the 8th was a judgement that the legislation was unfair and cruel

I won’t be told what I can or cannot judge or comment on

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 11:36

Yes women should support each other. We should also support the males in our lives. They should also support us. That's fair isn't it?
No it’s not fair,it’s reinforcing the be nice,be supportive,yoke placed on women

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:39

How is it if I've said men should be supportive of women too??? You're putting stupid arguments in place that we're never said!

Women should support women. Women should support men. Men should support men. Men should support women.

Could I be any clearer? Could you point out the unfairness in that statement?

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:39

Were*

Pa1oma · 27/05/2018 11:42

MN contrasts very strongly with real life in this respect because in 15 years, I don't think anyone has ever asked me if I work or not. And I've never asked another woman if they work and where. Why would I care, unless they chooose to tell me? I don't think there is any such judgement in real life because a job (or not) is just one facet of a person.

paisleyblue · 27/05/2018 11:43

Fine you know what, i'll just bow down to your arguments and agree with you Lipstick. I'll zip it from now on, clearly there's only one perspective to look from and that's yours. We should all be able to form our own opinions and express them, as long as they are the same opinions you hold. Glad we cleared that one up.

Have a good day Smile