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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

986 replies

strawberryperogi · 24/05/2018 17:10

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

OP posts:
Fintress · 26/05/2018 18:16

@spontaneousgiventime pop over to Greece and join us, I'll save you a lounger while my husband gets the cocktails in. You could do Monday to Friday while your husband is slogging his guts out Grin.

gillybeanz · 26/05/2018 18:17

It's one thing they provide a roof over your head, feed you etc and you do cooking and cleaning in return, but helping yourself to their money and treat yourself personally I'd struggle with.

My dh would be so upset if I thought like this. We are a team and share most things. However, money isn't important to him and as long as he gets to play his music and his family are thriving he isn't bothered about much else.
He asks me to manage the finances and I have my own account, always have had.
Before I started work I had £240 of dh, as I was his P.A, tc, cb, and now I have wages too.
He would feel bad if I felt I couldn't treat myself once in a while.
I don't have beauty treatments, not for the cost but because I'd rather do them myself.
I do like my clothes, but not into brand and designer labels.

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 18:26

Fintress Sadly I'm a widow, still living off the fruits of his labour in terms of the cash from selling the business, savings, downsizing the family home and soon the pension he paid for me. Grin

Pa1oma · 26/05/2018 18:34

I did mention to DH about me looking into going back to work when my youngest started school, but he said don't feel like you need to. He said we're not getting any younger, the kids are only home for a short time and why add more stress in to the mix if we don't need to. What I have done is refurbished 5 properties and sold them on in the last 6 years, which has been a steep learning curve but made similar money to if I had been working full time. So busy periods with that, but not impacting family life really.

gillybeanz · 26/05/2018 19:22

Pa1oma.

I too have done up properties to make a profit, and invested in properties to let. With dh being s/e and then our business we didn't have a pension each.
I went back to work 18 months ago and must admit I miss the freedom and hate being accountable to someone else, it can zapp your confidence and self esteem.
I'm thinking of stopping soon as hate being tied to 4 hours everyday.
I found it strange having to time things to fit in with leaving for work and the worst was having to stop something as run out of time.
My dh said the same when I was thinking about getting a job, but it had come to the point due to no fault of my own, rather the system that I felt morally obliged to work for a while, so I have.

Bowlofbabelfish · 26/05/2018 19:48

Can you imagine the reverse thread?

‘Men! Is it acceptable for you to progress at your career on the back of the domestic support provided by your wife?’

And twenty pages of furious replies...

No, not happening is it. It’s only women blasted for whatever they do. Work, don’t. If you’re happy and it’s a free choice then do whatever you please.

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 20:21

Bowlofbabelfish You and I 'know' each other from another part of MN. Your views correlate very much with my own (unsurprisingly). I think there is a view that women should do this or should do that. Life, or in my case married life shaped the choices I made and yes, I made them. No pressure, no hard feelings if I didn't become a SAHW. My late husband explained why he would like me to stay home, I took time to think about it and realised it made sense. It suited us and I have no regrets. I haven't nor will I post the different things I did when a SAHW then a SAHM as it's no-one's business. I did do quite a few things had I worked I would not have had the opportunity to do.

Life was tough for the first few years and going to work would have eased that, it would however have made a huge difference to how fast my DH could build up the business, due to the nature of the work he did. We decided to 'tough out' those few years and then we reaped the benefits. Yes, all of it was a risk, it ended up a risk well worth taking and if I could have my time again I wouldn't change a thing. My DH died way before his time and I can console myself that we spent a lot of really good quality time together in the time we had. Our time together would not have been as much or the quality it was had I worked.

Stormy76 · 26/05/2018 20:24

Battleax I happen to know the person in question very well and she refuses to get a job, her husband (a family member of mine) is tearing his hair out and practically begging her to get a job. He is suffering from extreme stress because she refuses to accept that she needs to contribute until,they are in a position for her to stay at home. He also comes home and does all the cooking and the cleaning. I am venting on here because I can......it may seem judgemental to you but I am entitled to my opinion. This particular individual is a lazy cow.....they do exist.

Bowlofbabelfish · 26/05/2018 20:31

So sorry spontaneous 💐

You shouldn’t need to justify your freely made choices to anyone. Neither should any of us.

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 20:53

You shouldn’t need to justify your freely made choices to anyone. Neither should any of us.

No we shouldn't but when you're called a prostitute, someone who doesn't instil a work ethic into your children, lazy, living off someone else, a none contributor to society, oh heck, you've seen the posts here, it pisses you off as no-one else is living in your life so how the hell do they justify the vitriol?

I know I've had a charmed life, I've said so before (on a different part of MN) I had a wonderful childhood and in the main a great adulthood. That's not to say I haven't had some pain and heartache, of course I have. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and that almost ended me, she was fantastic. I adored my dad, lost him in 2010, then the biggy, losing my DH. Yet, I and other SAHW have been castigated to hell and back and it's not fucking on. Women denigrating other women simply for a choice of lifestyle that doesn't hurt anyone else is a disgrace. Women have been fighting to be able to make choices since time immemorial - Ireland today is a typical example, yet when we do make choices we are slated for it. Well fuck 'em I say!

Thank you for the flowers. x

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:02

And across mn there are posts saying why have children if you leave them with strangers
Dubious Research that nursery stunts emotional development and causes criminality
Mn is a rambunctious place, with plenty provocative comments on all sides
And folk need to be able to deal with a level of robust comments

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:09

Go through every post I've ever made, I have never once criticised the choices women make and I never would. I have a DD who lives way, way out of the area, she works full time and has three children. They have to go into childcare after school and during the holidays. It is my beautiful daughter who is riddled with guilt, but as she says (and I agree) it has to be done for her to work. She phoned me the other day, she was at her whits end. Her words were "my laundry pile is up to the ceiling, my house is a tip and I've been called into work on my day off." I know it's hard and I do all I can to help, but I'm not a fucking miracle worker. I even offered to pay for a cleaner and someone to do her laundry, she doesn't want that, she just wants some time. So, if you don't mind, I won't take any lessons from you on life!

As for 'robust debate' bring it on!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:14

Ahh no worries I’m not specifically addressing your posts
I’m commenting on the provocative content of some posts
But hey ho

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:16

Yeah fucking hey ho! YOU are the poster who has criticised SAHW more than any other. You've tied yourself in knots trying to prove a point but - hey ho!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:17

I’m not going to justify my posts or POV any more than you won’t.so yea hey ho

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:18

Don't worry, you don't have to prove a thing to me. Your posts have done all the proving that needed to be done.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:20

How darkly comedic of you
As I said hey ho,and I don’t have to give an accompanying narrative.nor do you

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:21

Comedic? Oh purleese, is that the best you can do? I don't see anything funny in this thread. Glad you got your jollies from it though.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:22

What’s your point?or are you just off on one
Hey ho

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:24

I'm not off on one at all, you're not worth the energy.

boomboom12 · 26/05/2018 21:26

spontaneousgiventime Is it possible for your daughter to work p/t?

GreyToGreen · 26/05/2018 21:27

Stormy76. Your relative sounds awful but it’s daft to think that just because she is a lazy cow that means all SAHW are lazy cows too. That’s a bit of a lazy argument 😜

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/05/2018 21:28

Your posts have done all the proving that needed to be done. That is comedic
Worthy of dick dastardly

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:29

boomboom12 Yes, she will be able to. The problem is the here and now. Her hubby was made redundant and so she is working full time. He got another job almost straight away but obviously he has to work a set amount of time before his first full wage packet. She is going to cut down as she is working 60+ hours at the moment, and her lovely hubby has been out day and night to get this new job. Hopefully things will calm down for her soon.

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 21:30

Lipstick - grow up!