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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 23/05/2018 08:36

YABU - it should feel like her home when she is with you - she should be able to have her friend over. You wanting to sit in your nightie isn't really a reason not to have her over

Afterthestorm · 23/05/2018 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frenchiemamax · 23/05/2018 08:37

YABU, your SD should feel at home too, plus I doubt they'll be bothering you

user1493413286 · 23/05/2018 08:37

I can see it from your point of view but from hers too as if she always has a friend to stay and she looks forward to that all week then shouldn’t she be able to at yours and her dads as surely that’s her home too? At 12 she wouldn’t be able to understand your reasons. Non resident dads often miss out on this side of their child’s life so maybe your DP is keen to be seen and known by DDs friends.
I imagine they will be in DDs bedroom most of the evening and could your DP deal with her parents in the morning? They probably won’t want to hang about.

Professionalminefield · 23/05/2018 08:38

YABU. It's her home, if she wants a friend over she should be allowed to.

Rainydaydog · 23/05/2018 08:38

I think you are being a bit U. At this age dc want to see their friends and they should be allowed to. Just get yourself some slouchy pjs you don't mind people seeing and you can still relax while dsd has some fun with her friend.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/05/2018 08:39

Can you arrange to be out on Friday? Stay at a friends or something?

I don’t think YABU, your dp needs to grow up and stop fighting his DD’s mum and co-parent and also to discuss plans with you if they affect you.

It’s a dp problem you have.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2018 08:39

Yabu. She can hardly feel welcome if she isn’t allowed friends over even when her step mum happens to be home. The backstory of needy mother and DH trying to make dsd happy is completely irrelevant. Normal happy 12yos want friends over too.

Byebyebye · 23/05/2018 08:39

Sooo are your kids never going to have a sleepover or is it just SD that’s banned from them?

2cats2many · 23/05/2018 08:39

Yes YABU.

I would presume that a pair of 12yr old girls won't want to be hanging around you anyway and collection by a parent involves the exchange of a few pleasantries. Hardly taxing.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/05/2018 08:40

Surely they will be up playing in her room, and her parents don't have to come in to collect her? Can't you just keep a robe to hand for when they arrive/leave? seeing a woman in her nightie isn't going to scar anyone for life unless its obscene and covers nothing, which given you wear it happily round your DC's and SD i'm sure isn't the case.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 08:41

I think you’re being unreasonable OP

Lucked · 23/05/2018 08:41

I agree Yabu it’s her home and teenagers see there friends in a Friday night

kaytee87 · 23/05/2018 08:41

He should have asked you if it was ok as it's your home too but really, it would be unreasonable for her not to be allowed her friend round.
They'll be in her room anyway at that age.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 23/05/2018 08:42

It's one week. Yabu.

CheeseyToast · 23/05/2018 08:42

Aw it's such a little thing she wants, I think it's sad that you are so mean about her.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/05/2018 08:43

Yabu it's not like you are going to have a quiet house on your day off anyway as you will have your two kids and DSD, so why will her having a friend over make much difference?

NevermindMyMind · 23/05/2018 08:43

I agree, YABU for the reason LavenderDoll has said. Perhaps if it's just the issue of you want to sit in your nightie and relax, go in your room for just this one night and let DP oversee. If DSD's DM is using her as a weapon, you're playing into her mother's hands. It's what teenagers do, especially on a Friday and Saturday night, otherwise when do they get time.

Just a heads up, in a couple of years, if she can't have these sleepovers at yours then she will simply stop seeing you, your DP and her brothers in favour of her friends. Teenagers are awkward and can be selfish, I've seen it time and time again.

MagicFajita · 23/05/2018 08:44

You're being unreasonable.

The kids will probably entertain each other and stay out of your way.

If cooking for more people is an issue then dh can do it or order a takeaway.

I don't see the issue.

Charley50 · 23/05/2018 08:45

YABU

TheOriginalEmu · 23/05/2018 08:47

I do understand how you feel. I'm not a fan of having people in my house and don't feel like i can properly relax when the kids have friends round.......but i do it, because its good for them to socialise with their friends and because my issues with not being able to relax aren't their fault. so, whilst i understand, YABU.

AdaColeman · 23/05/2018 08:51

YANBU You and your DP should be making decisions jointly, not him alone.
He also needs to stop being drawn into the games his Ex is playing, make some sound boundaries and stick to them.

19lottie82 · 23/05/2018 08:52

Wow. You sound like you REALLY don’t like your DSD. Poor girl. Sad

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/05/2018 08:54

Why would he have checked with you first?? He quite reasonably didn't imagine you'd say no Hmm

LittleLionMansMummy · 23/05/2018 08:55

Yabu. They will probably be occupied in your dsd's bedroom doing what 12 year olds do anyway, so arguably you'll have more time to relax than you would do ordinarily because they'll entertain each other. There's nothing to stop you vegging in your PJs either - part of creating a home from home environment for your dsd is about you doing exactly what you'd normally do on a Friday night but letting your dsd be part of it without embarrassment.

Believe me, I do understand to an extent where you're coming from. 18yo dsd regularly now stays at ours with friends at weekends because of the convenience of our house being close to town where she goes clubbing! I focus on congratulating ourselves that we've created the kind of environment in which she feels comfortable. It's great too that she gets to spend a little time with her siblings. We see more of her now than when she was 12. It makes dh happy. It makes my ds and dd happy. I've always gone on the basis that I will treat dsd exactly as I do my own dc. My own dc will have friends over as they get older, so why not my dsd?

I agree that your dp should have mentioned it out of courtesy. Perhaps he knew you wouldn't be receptive though?

I understand the stresses and strains of being a step mum, but you do have a moral duty to make your dsd feel welcome and comfortable in her second home if you want to prevent problems and resentment down the line.

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