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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 23/05/2018 09:17

3333hh44

Typical mum bashing without any real cause. Her crime FaceTiming her child.

Emmasmum2013 · 23/05/2018 09:17

I don't understand what's stopping you from getting your nightie on and chilling out while she has the friend there?? I get that you don't have many evenings to yourself at home, but I doubt that they are going to be bothering you are they? They'll probably just camp out in DSD's room. YABU

kaytee87 · 23/05/2018 09:19

Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly).

I just re read this bit. Please tell me you're not stopping a 12 year old from speaking to her mum?!

adaline · 23/05/2018 09:19

YABU. It's not her fault you're not home in the evenings very often.

I'm an only child and I'm eternally grateful that my parents let me have regular sleepovers as a teenager. She's 15 - she doesn't want to spend her Friday night hanging out with her dad and step-mum, she wants to see her friends!

If the parents collecting is a problem, can the friend not sleep over? They won't be hanging out with you anyway - they'll be holed up in her room gossiping, eating and just generally hanging out. She hardly needs any input from you at that age!

And YABVU if you stop her from FaceTiming her mum when she's with you! I doubt your DP would be very impressed if his ex stopped contact while his DD was at her mums.

If her presence bothers you so much - go out.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2018 09:21

When the parents are collecting (at that age they might just stay in the car anyway) why can't your DH speak to them if needs be?

GnotherGnu · 23/05/2018 09:21

You presumably have the opportunity to relax every time you have a night off; this is just one night. How will it hurt you?

And what are you going to do when your own children grow up and want friends round? Or indeed when they are doing evening activities and might need to be taken and collected? Are you going to prevent that as well, or will it be different because it's your children?

kierenthecommunity · 23/05/2018 09:23

I regularly had friends over and my dad and step mum’s house when I was a similar age. It was nice I could feel at home there, the same as at my other house.

If it’s nice weather you could maybe do a barbecue early on, or get pizzas, and then at eight Or thereabouts pack them off to her room. They’d probably want to do this in any case, and then you can get into your scruffs and chill out.

Unless you have extreme social anxiety I wouldn’t see a parent picking their kid up as ‘more strangers’ in the house. I can’t imagine they’d wrangle an invitation to stay

busybarbara · 23/05/2018 09:26

Could you see if you can change your shifts about so you get a different night off and don't have to deal with this at all?

Nikephorus · 23/05/2018 09:26

Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly).
Maybe DSD finds it too much and pretends to have broken or lost her charger so she can get away from her mum's suffocation for a bit?

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2018 09:29

@SamandDean But the problem with your perspective is that it is reasonable. That is how it should be. Clearly the OP doesn't share your common-sense approach to raising tweens.

SoupDragon · 23/05/2018 09:31

What has the ex got to do with your SD having a friend over whilst she’s at yours?

Floofsnootborkandboop · 23/05/2018 09:34

Your DSD should not expect to have visitors without asking you and ensuring it doesn’t bother you.

She hasn’t just turned up with a group of friends in tow without so much as a thought of her parents Hmm Her dad suggested it and said it was okay to have her friend to stay. I don’t know about other people but none of my kids ask both their dad and me if one of us has already said yes, especially if one is a step parent who doesn’t seem all that welcoming. If DH says they can have a friend over but then I already have plans for us, unless impossible, I fit them into our plans or work the plans around them being here. It’s unusual anyone asks now unless it’s a new friend or girl/boyfriend as they’re friends are here so often they’ve become part of the family.

Ofc you’re being unreasonable OP but if you really are so against you DSD having her friend over then leave your DP to deal with everything they need and her parents and ask them to stay out of whatever room you’re in so you can still relax as if they aren’t even there.

User467 · 23/05/2018 09:36

I would never think to check with my DH if the kids could have a friend over, and he'd never be annoyed by it. This is not just your house. It's your partner and SD's house too so unclear why they need your express permission.

Your other comments about numbers of children, the ex and losing chargers all show that this is really a "step" issue.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2018 09:40

YABU and are the type of poster who come on MN and give SM's a bad name.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2018 09:40

Sleepovers are part and parcel of parenting. If you object so much to it you should be with a childless person and not married a man with a child and had 2 additional children.

Frankly, you’ll hardly know they’re there. They’ll probably hole up in the bedroom for most of the time.

Hogtini · 23/05/2018 09:42

YABU. Let her have her friend over - they can entertain themselves whilst you relax - I'm sure you would both much rather this.

SunnyintheSun · 23/05/2018 09:42

OP - sorry to see you are getting stepparent bashed. I think if you had left the word ‘step’ out of your post you would have received a completely different response.

As a parent, there are times I say yes to sleepovers and there are times I say no. Sometimes, at the end of the week, I need a quiet family night in. Saying no occasionally to the kids doesn’t make me a terrible parent.

Your problem here is not your SD but your DH. You and he should be making decisions jointly. If Friday night doesn’t work for you, he should take that into account. It’s not a no to sleepovers for ever, just not that particular night.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2018 09:44

Saying no occasionally to the kids doesn’t make me a terrible parent

She is not just saying no occasionally though is she, the SD has asked ONCE.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2018 09:45

The ex has nothing to do with your post.

Your DH didn’t check with you first it was OK. Fair enough to be a bit miffed- but it’s 1 night and nice fur your DSD to have her friend over.

I’d feel a bit irritated too, but I’d get over myself and remind DH to discuss it first next time.

allforequality · 23/05/2018 09:45

YABU. Have you got the picture yet OP? Poor girl.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 09:46

Saying yes to a kid coming over is not a decision that needs made jointly. In the real world, a child will ask a parent who will say yes/no, it doesn’t need a consensus from every occupant in the house. I never ask my h and I know he would never mind.

This doesn’t even sound like a sleepover, just a kid visiting.

NamedyChangedy · 23/05/2018 09:46

OP I have some sympathy for you here - I'm an extreme introvert who likes their own space. However, having children with their own social lives means I sometimes have to share that space!

I think there are limits to FaceTime - my pet peeve is DP suddenly turning it on without warning. It's the equivalent of someone dropping in unannounced when I'm asleep / half dressed / house is a tip or just don't fancy making polite conversation with his cousin or whoever! I've asked him to respect my boundaries and either let me know beforehand, or leave me out of the picture altogether. However, this is slightly different - this child is caught in a situation that she didn't create and should be made to feel welcome, even if it's a slight inconvenience.

Do you have a hobby or friends you'd like to see that evening? Might be better for everyone in the short term, although you can't always avoid her...

Chickychoccyegg · 23/05/2018 09:46

Don't get how it would sound like you don't like your dsd just because you don't want their friends over, I like my kids but it doesn't mean I let them have their friends round if I don't want them too!
Just because she's a step child doesn't mean she should always get her own way!

adaline · 23/05/2018 09:47

OP, when your children are older, are you going to ban them from sleepovers in case it disturbs your nights off? What if they want taking to activities or parties after school?

Part of being a parent is enabling your children to have friendships and relationships outside of your immediate family unit. I love my lazy evenings at home, which is why I don't have children yet!

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 09:48

I don’t think your being unreasonable.

I have a step daughter and I wouldn’t be happy with random kids I didn’t know staying the night but we live an hour away from DSD and I don’t want to look after her friends kids as I don’t know them. The parents don’t know me so who would let there child stay over a strangers house?!

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