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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:

adaline · 23/05/2018 09:49

Just because she's a step child doesn't mean she should always get her own way!

Eh? Her dad suggested it! I don't know any teenagers who would ask their step-mum if it's okay to have a friend over if their dad had already suggested it and said it was okay!

If OP has an issue she needs to speak to her partner - not take her disappointment out on her step-daughter.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/05/2018 09:49

Sunny, I don’t think she would get different responses. I think we’d still say she was being unreasonable not wanting her daughters friends over.
Not a DH problem either! So he needs to ask permission for things in his own home?!

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 09:49

No one is invited to our home unless DH and I have both been consulted and both agree, unless it is at a time when one of us is here alone. It’s our home and we decide what goes on here.

waterrat · 23/05/2018 09:49

wow OP - this is called having kids! I would never ask my husband if my kids could have friends over - why would I? A 12 year old will be up in their room ! You have all the time in the world to yourself when your SD is not around - no wonder the mum doesn't like you if you are this frosty and unwelcoming to her daughter.

adaline · 23/05/2018 09:50

The parents don’t know me so who would let there child stay over a strangers house?!

My parents didn't know most of my friends' parents as a teenager - isn't that fairly normal? What does your partner think about his daughter never being allowed sleepovers?

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 09:52

And I would certainly not let any DC of mine go to the home of another DC if I didn’t know anything about the parents.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 09:52

ThePinkOcelot the op should of been consulted. It’s her house too.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/05/2018 09:53

Consulted?!

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 09:53

user I feel sorry for children whose parents are so rigid in this way. It sound like more hassle than it’s worth for them to ask for a friend to pop in. Can’t you both be trusted to make such a minor decision yourselves?

SunnyintheSun · 23/05/2018 09:54

No one is invited to our home unless DH and I have both been consulted and both agree, unless it is at a time when one of us is here alone. It’s our home and we decide what goes on here.

^^ This is a perfectly reasonable parenting strategy. Maybe not how all families work but some do and that’s ok. The issue here is that the OP and her partner are working to different rules. They need to sit down and discuss how sleepovers are managed for all three children in future - is it one parent’s permission or both required. That one child is a SD is a red herring.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 09:55

adaline - He’s fine with it. He doesn’t want random children in our house either when we have no clue who there parents are.

I don’t think it’s normal to send a 12 yr old around a strangers house and I never stayed over my friends house unless my parents knew there parents til I was 15/16.

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 09:56

No, because we might be working (we have appointments at home) or have other visitors over that would mean that it would be inappropriate to have children around doing children’s things. Obviously their best friends come over often at short notice and it’s rarely an issue but we still need to know.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 09:57

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar yes consulted, as in spoken too. It’s her house too.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 09:57

happiness How do you propose to meet all these parents before you allow your child to go round to see their friends?

I don’t know the parents of some of my daughters friends, she will still pop round to them.

upsideup · 23/05/2018 09:57

sorry to see you are getting stepparent bashed

Bullshit, its not a thing. Just an exuse shit step parents use to make themselves feel better. I'm a step mum, I've never been bashed on mumsnet for being one in fact I have always had really kind and helpful comments.
Maybe thats becayse I love my dsd, think of her as being just as important as my younger bio children though? This is her house too, she has her own bedroom, she is allowed friends round.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 09:57

user That’s totally different and understandable. Not the situation we are discussing here though.

QueenArseClangers · 23/05/2018 09:58

Bloody hell, my lovely DSS had 8 friends over the other week all getting tipsy before a year 13 do.

Then we had the hungover/tired stragglers from a camping trip he’d been on. I made an enormous pot of tea and gave them free reign of the massive biscuit tin and cake cupboard.
I’m honoured that my stepchild feels comfortable enough to have his (very polite and lovely) friends round. Give yer head a wobble.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 09:59

I live in a village so I know all the mums, all the kids are going to the same secondary school.

Popping round and sleeping over in a house that is an hour away and you have no clue who the parents are is two completely different things. There’s no popping around when it’s an hours drive.

billybagpuss · 23/05/2018 09:59

Why is it relevant that you have 2 DC's to her 1?

YABU (first time I've ever said that on MN) Its really important for kids to feel at home and part of that is feeling they can invite friends around. When my family grew another teenager when DD's BF's dad kicked him out he was so surprised that he was allowed friends over etc. My house is rarely quiet and no I don't particularly like a houseful of teenagers but I think its important and will reap the benefits later when they all still feel that this is home.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 09:59

Who is going to a house an hour a way? Why are we exaggerating?

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 10:00

We know most of the parents at school. Why would we not? And we know many of the parents at the DCs extracurricular activities.

adaline · 23/05/2018 10:00

I don’t think it’s normal to send a 12 yr old around a strangers house and I never stayed over my friends house unless my parents knew there parents til I was 15/16.

But if you live an hour away from DSD and her normal group of friends, how on earth do you propose to met all these parents?

At 11 I was getting myself to/from school and my parents had nothing to do with my friendships. I walked to my friends houses and regularly rang up and asked to sleep over at the last minute, and my friends did the same when they came to mine. I think my mum maybe knew one or two sets of parents, and that's only because we'd known each other since primary.

She certainly didn't need to vet their parents or get to know them before I stayed over - I find that quite unusual tbh.

incywincybitofa · 23/05/2018 10:01

OP your DSD sounds like she has a shitty life.
Her mum is ill and constantly needs her
She is often drawn into games around parenting of her.
She skips between 2 homes at week-ends
Often child carers find it very hard to make and keep friends.
She has found a friend, she is lucky to have one, and actually maybe she just wants a night with a friend where her mum isn't needing her and she can relax. I'd take it as a compliment that she wants her friend to come to her other home and basque in how homely you must make it all seem.

adaline · 23/05/2018 10:01

We know most of the parents at school. Why would we not? And we know many of the parents at the DCs extracurricular activities.

My parents knew most of my friends' parents at primary school too. But at secondary it was a whole different kettle of fish. We all got the bus to school so there was no real parental involvement. If I did an activity I walked/got the bus home after - my parents were never involved in any of it.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 10:01

user I know the parents of maybe five of the kids from school.

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