Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 10:35

And if you make it a pyjama party then you can still wear your PJs without embarrassment :-D

listsandbudgets · 23/05/2018 10:36

YABU.... my step mum never let me have friends over when we were with them ( half the holidaus and every 3rd weekend) and we were mever allowed to go to any partoes we got invited to durimg that time except once whe it was my best friends and O cried all night so dad gave in. As a result I resented her and dad bitterly.

Your SD is lucky enough to have a dad woth some empathy. Time to develop some yourself... everyone goes on about how hard it is for step parents wothout remembering or knowing its dammed hard being a step child too.

Let her have a friend over in 20 years time she will remember that you did.

listsandbudgets · 23/05/2018 10:37

sorry probllem woth phine keyboard

diddl · 23/05/2018 10:40

Well her dad has organised it & will be arranging anything that needs arranging so I' not sure that it should be impacting Op at all?

bringincrazyback · 23/05/2018 10:43

YABU and are the type of poster who come on MN and give SM's a bad name.

So SMs aren't allowed to vent about problems they are having with their stepkids, even though presumably it's considered acceptable for people to vent about their own kids if they are having trouble with them? I'd say you just disproved your own point about stepparent-bashing there.

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 10:44

Dancing monkey
Her mum does sound awful. How is it unfairly bashing her to comment that Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. isn't good or fair to the child? Her mother shouldn't put that on her child so it is really important the op supports her dsd as much as she can, which includes allowing her sleepovers with good grace, and looking out for her emotional well being.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2018 10:51

@bringincrazyback

Of course they are allowed to vent the same as parents are allowed to vent but they will get pulled up on unfair/nasty behaviour exactly the same as a parent would.

The only time I see SM bashing on here is when it is warranted.

MrsDilber · 23/05/2018 11:00

Take one for the team, your family and she is part of your family now. One night won't hurt.

GunpowderAndLead · 23/05/2018 11:00

Wait would you be home alone then, with the friend and DSD? Where Dad?

I'd still get my nightie / wine / chocolate on and make sure the girls know your chilling and they can chill in her room. I would give zero shits for what a teen would think about me vegging out

You don't want DSD looking back saying your place never felt like Home. You'd all feel crap then

KarmaStar · 23/05/2018 11:01

Think the op has left the thread...

Original poster

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 11:09

Thanks for the different perspective. I’m not a wicked SM. We do lots together & go to parties and holidays and days out. I just crave a relaxing evening as I care for elderly relatives whilst holding down 3 jobs (woe is me - I know)! I agree I was being very unreasonable & thank you for giving me a virtual slap.

OP posts:

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 11:14

Well done for hiding your hands up and admitting you are being unreasonable. Hopefully they'll entertain themselves and you'll have a relaxing evening anyway.

adaline · 23/05/2018 11:16

As they're teenagers they'll probably hide in her room anyway - my parents used to banish me and any friends from the living room after dinner anyway so they could watch TV in peace!

listsandbudgets · 23/05/2018 11:47

Notdamama that sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, I'm not surprised you feel exhausted by Friday night.

If you can afford it why not say to your SD that as a special treat she and her friend can have takeaway pizza (or failing that an oven one) and a bucket of ice cream of her choice. It will save you cooking.

My dd is 12 and IME the most peaceful evenings are when she has friends round as generally they retire to bedroom or garden depending on weather and only re-emerge for food, drink and in the morning to monpolise the bathroom..

also dd's freinds barely notice what I wear... as long as I don't wander about naked and their basic needs are met (pizza, icecream fizzy drinks and hot water) they don't care really

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2018 12:06

I’m not surprised you want time alone with all that on your plate but sometimes needs must.

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2018 12:46

I love having my DDs' friends here. (They're 9 and 7.) Mostly they just go to their room and play there, it's no hassle. The fact is, your DSD should feel that she belongs at your house, and that should include being allowed to have friends visiting her. After all, your DCs will eventually want to have friends around, and I'm sure you'll allow them to do so. So that would make it one rule for them and another rule for your DCs.

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2018 12:47

And yes I do think YABU.

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 12:51

It is perfectly possible to be welcoming to your DCs and DSCs friends, but it is the adults, not the children, who have final say on timing. No wonder there is so much anti-social behaviour if DC aren’t taught basic respect for property rights.

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2018 12:52

I missed the update. I get that you have a lot on, so the suggestion of takeaway pizza is a good one, it will make it easier for you.

One thing to think on is, we're not talking about a stranger, but your DSD's friend.

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 12:56

A stepchild’s friend is not an intimate relationship. Personal space and personal boundaries are important.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 23/05/2018 13:00

frankly if you didn't want annoying step children about, you shouldn't have married someone with children should you?
Anyway I note that your post starts off by slagging off the mother..(what a surprise)
TBH you should persuade your partner to dump his kids off right now, completely. Otherwise they will just annoy poor you for years.
Besides he now has new better kids doesn't he?
HTH.
Have a lovely life.

kierenthecommunity · 23/05/2018 13:29

also dd's freinds barely notice what I wear... as long as I don't wander about naked and their basic needs are met (pizza, icecream fizzy drinks and hot water) they don't care really

You forgot the WiFi password

Willow2017 · 23/05/2018 13:32

If step children cannot have friends round then there will never be any relationship between op and them.
Its a child ffs!
They will play up in her room not sit

If DC aren’t taught basic respect for property rights.
Property rights? We are talking about having a friend round for a while not a bloody rave!

Its not the kids fault op doesnt get a lot of 'me' time. Its her house too and her dad told her it was ok. Should she never have friends round cos its ops house and she wants to do nothing every night off? With 2 12yr olds she will have nothing to do anyway! Order in pizza or stick one in the oven. Whats the hassle?

Willow2017 · 23/05/2018 13:33

where did the rest of that sentance go?
not sit staring at op all night

Puttingthefootdown · 23/05/2018 13:36

Yabu.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7