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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 23/05/2018 08:56

YABU.

Rainydaydog · 23/05/2018 08:56

My dd is 13 and she was really happy a friend's mum who is pg spent all day relaxing in a separate room. The kids like a bit of independence at this age. When the parents come to collect her just have dsd fire her out the door, you won't need to see them at all. Agree with takeaway for dinner too if you don't want to cook.
You do need to let the dc have a social life and if you are not keen on socialising come up with some strategies now. Your own dcs will soon be wanting to do the same as dsd. The bonus is if you arrange things right you may be able to get them all out on sleepovers at friends houses one night and have a child free house.

caperberries · 23/05/2018 08:57

'Strangers' Confused It's your DSD's friend. Accommodating playdates (for want of better word) is all part of being a parent.

SluttyButty · 23/05/2018 08:57

I'm so glad you're not a sm to any of my children. You do know step children are equal to your own don't you. And this means that none of your OWN children must never ever have a sleep over, EVER. Because god forbid they wanted to ,you know, have friends over disrupting your relaxing time 🙄

Personally I hate sleepovers, I mean really detest them. But I still had plenty over the years because it meant my children were socialising.

RB68 · 23/05/2018 08:58

Sorry but this is what its like with a 12 yr old going on 16 yr old (in their heads anyway). Home life is boring without someone to share it with so this is what parents do - have friends sleep over - I speak as a parent to a 12 nearly 13 yr old. You need t chill about it she is not there all the time mithering - its currently once - so maybe once or twice a month.

DH on the other hand should have asked - your issue is with him. Having said that I never ask my DH just tell him and then mention he needs to stay clothed ha ha ha

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2018 08:59

You sound horrid. This bit jumps out at me:

She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me.

It's as if you think you've somehow 'won' because you managed to have 2 children with him, and she missed her chance.

Of course you are being unreasonable. This is exactly why step-families are fraught with problems.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/05/2018 08:59

Totally unreasonable. Whiny and pathetic too!!

Fadingmemory · 23/05/2018 09:01

Single parent here. I worked full time & by Friday was always exhausted. Am insomniac too. I always kept open house for DC friends. This paid off handsomely - she & her friends see this as a welcoming place an

Pandora79 · 23/05/2018 09:02

You are really objecting to a child having a friend over for a few hours?

Tbh it would not occur to me to ask permission of dh/dp, for my child to have a friend over.

Jaxtellerswife · 23/05/2018 09:04

Kids have friends over. It's annoying sometimes and I inwardly groan when my ss wants someone round but it's perfectly normal. Your home should be the child's home too

SweetCheeks1980 · 23/05/2018 09:04

I'm not sure why you're being so unreasonable? She's just a child having a friend over...hardly "a stranger".

One of my 15 year old daughter's friends has a bit if a shitty home life, and I've regularly come home to find her sat on my sofa (we keep a key under the mat) even when my daughter wasn't in. Once she was even in the bath 😂

SlideAway82 · 23/05/2018 09:04

My SD's have friends to stay all the time. My DH I'll run it by me just to double check I'm ok with it but I would never say no! It's their home too and to be honest when they have friends over we don't hear anything from them as they're occupied by their mates!

I also think you're being a bit mean - it's only one night!

Mintychoc1 · 23/05/2018 09:04

YABU.
And is it a sleepover or just an afternoon/early evening?
No one likes having other people's kids in the house when they want to chill out, but it's part of being a parent.

Dancingtothebeat · 23/05/2018 09:05

YABVU stopping her from FaceTiming her Mum.

Dancingmonkey87 · 23/05/2018 09:10

What’s the problem with her FaceTime her mum? What’s the problem with her having a friend over? Treat her the way you would your own dc.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/05/2018 09:10

Is it because you normally get a bit shit faced in your nightie watching Fri night TV? And you don't want SDs friend to tell her parents ... and you don't want to be slurring on the doorstep when they arrive to pick her up Grin

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 09:12

Her mum sounds awful so you need to do as much as you can to help your DSD be strong emotionally. That includes supporting her in her life when it's inconvenient or undesirable to you. Kids having friends over is normal.

PratRocket · 23/05/2018 09:12

So because you chose to have two additional children to ex's one your step daughter isn't allowed friends?

If the ex has another child sd doesn't get any more friend ever?

YABU. obviously.

Willow2017 · 23/05/2018 09:12

Its your dsd 12yr old friend not some random 50 yr old man off the street.
Its her home if she cant have friends round what does that tell her?

Its perfectly possible to relax without a nightie on just wear casual clothes. Get pizzas and juice and sweets in job done.

Poor girl you seem to look down on her mum for only managing to have one child while you have two. If her mum is a deliberate manipulator you should be supporting dsd not complaining about her. Its terrible if her mum is guilt tripping her like that. Your dh needs to discuss this with her to let her understand its not normal and she has done nothing wrong wanting to spend time with her dad.

You are in for a shock of you think your kids are never going to want to have friends over or is that different?

If i was your dp i would be having strong words with ex over her behaviour which long term could really affect dsds relationship with her and her emotional wellbeing. Maybe offer to have dsd more if it helps with her illness but have set times for face time and stick to them.

Fadingmemory · 23/05/2018 09:13

Posted too soon...

and that has helped cement our relationship. I know yours is a step relationship but not to your DP. The girls can make themselves a sandwich & may closet themselves in a bedroom anyway. Presumably DP may not have mentioned it because he thought you would refuse - so discuss that with him. He should have mentioned it but you should perhaps be more positive. Flop in front of the TV in something comfortable and be friendly but brisk when the parents come. If you really hate it, then put up with it - sorry. Friends are so important to a 12 year old. Sounds harsh no doubt to you but that’s being a parent.

Nikephorus · 23/05/2018 09:13

She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me.
I read this as the mother telling DP that he's got 2 other kids to spend time with whereas she only has DSD and therefore should get to keep her more. Not as OP gloating over having more kids.
And it does suck if you've a relaxing evening planned and suddenly it gets changed without you even getting a say. Yes I agree that it's important for DSD and so OP should agree it, but that doesn't mean that OP can't have a good moan on here.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/05/2018 09:14

I still put my nightie on even when my 16 yr old has their mates round. And collecting parents don't raise an eyebrow

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 09:14

YANBU. Your DSD should not expect to have visitors without asking you and ensuring it doesn’t bother you.

SamandDean · 23/05/2018 09:15

Wouldn’t it be easier for you to relax though if you dsd has a friend over? I love it when my dc have their friends over. The either play in their room or outside and only bother me if they want food. I usually make myself a cup of tea and chill on the sofa catching up on my programs. I suggest you do the same!

BonsaiBear · 23/05/2018 09:16

Are you implying with that Facetime comment that you actively prevent your SD and her mum from talking using it when you can?

So you'd stop your own children having friends over on your night off because you want to lounge around in your nightie then, would you? Or is that different? If so, how?