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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD friend coming over on my night off AIBU?

155 replies

Notdamama · 23/05/2018 08:32

DP feels he is competing with his ex over SD. It’s a never ending battle of black mail from mothers side & emotional distress. She only has one DD, whereas DP has 2 DC’s with me. Mother is ill & uses this as weapon to pull DD towards her. Constant ‘I miss you. I hate it when you leave me’. Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly). DSD is staying at ours on Friday night, she is 12. She has complained that she always has a friend over on Friday & has been a mardy bum as she still wants to see friend on Friday. So DP has said she can come to our house - without asking me if that’s ok. I don’t think it’s ok. I don’t have many evenings at home in the evening. My favourite thing about being at home is that I can get my nighty on and relax, as soon as I know I am done for the day. I’m cross as now we will have a stranger in the house. I won’t be able to relax, then the parents will be coming along to collect friend, more strangers. He didn’t think I’d have a problem but I really do. I wished I was working. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 10:01

I don’t see any difference between working at home and relaxing at home. Both require peace and quiet!

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:01

adaline - I don’t propose to meet them, that’s why there not staying over.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 10:02

user There is a massive difference. But then I don’t need to ask my husbands permission for such a minor issue.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 10:03

happiness Forget staying over for a minute as we don’t even know this is about a sleepover, are your kids allowed to go to a friends house for a few hours if you don’t know the parents?

adaline · 23/05/2018 10:03

adaline - I don’t propose to meet them, that’s why there not staying over.

I feel really sorry for your DSD if that's the case. I can't imagine never being allowed my friends over to my home. I would imagine she won't be spending much time with you as she gets older if she's never allowed her friends to stay.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:06

adaline - they can visit. They just can’t sleep over.

Nick - iv already said I live in a village and know all the mums so that’s not relevant.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2018 10:07

I don't think op will be back...

user1499173618 · 23/05/2018 10:07

From my POV there is absolutely no difference. I have things to do at home, many of which require peace and quiet and preclude other children showing up.

mittensofsteel · 23/05/2018 10:08

@Notdamama - are your own two children allowed sleepovers?

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 10:10

happiness What If a kid moves to the village, are the kids allowed to visit each other’s home (visit, not stay over) It must be quite a big village if it has its own secondary school. That’s a lot of parents to know well!

adaline · 23/05/2018 10:13

I still think that's pretty sad. Sleepovers are a big thing for teenagers. I'm glad my parents understood that getting to know my friends' parents when we all lived 45-50 minutes apart was fairly impossible - and still allowed me to socialise/go to sleepovers anyway!

Wdigin2this · 23/05/2018 10:14

Oooh you're getting bashed here, surprise surprise!
I see it from your DSD's point of view, it's what she does on Fridays, but bloody hell....I'd feel exactly the way you do! However, it's what DSM's have to do, suck it up!

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:16

Nicknacky - not if Iv never even seen the mum noConfused. My child is still in primary school. DSD is in secondary.

My kids secondary school isn’t in the village, when did I say that? Its outside the village and they would have to get a bus to the school.

Loonoon · 23/05/2018 10:16

YABU. Our children's friends were always welcome because it was the DCs home too. That shouldn't change because she is your SD and only lives with you part time.

It will probably be easier than you think - the friend will keep DSD occupied and entertained. And in the unlikely event that the parents do more than stand at the door and say thank you when they collect you can be unavailable in the shower/kitchen or whatever.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:16

adaline - good for your parents.
DSD actual mum can have sleepovers if she feels like that.

Nicknacky · 23/05/2018 10:17

happiness That’s exactly my point, the secondary school isn’t in your village so there will be parents who you don’t know and will probably never meet.

SistersOfPercy · 23/05/2018 10:20

Never ending FaceTime (oops lost/broke charger happens regularly)

Maybe DSD finds it too much and pretends to have broken or lost her charger so she can get away from her mum's suffocation for a bit?

I read that as OP pretends to have lost/broken the charger to prevent the calls, though I doubt she's coming back to clarify.

bringincrazyback · 23/05/2018 10:20

YANBU, because he should have checked with you first, not just OK'd it over your head.

It never ceases to amaze me how quick many Mumsnetters are to slam a stepmum if she dares to mind about anything relating to her stepkids. How's SD meant to learn to live with others and consider them as well as herself, when all she has to do is act mardy and she magically gets what she wants? OP is getting an overly rough ride IMHO.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:24

Nick - the convo isn’t about my daughter it’s about my dsd

But..

Nall schools that go up to secondary school get put in 4 groups and they stay in those groups for the whole school life. All schools that go up stay in the same groups with there friends and another school group. It’s very unlikely that my daughter will be put with none of her exsisting friends.

Considering all the kids live in a village and next to each other I imagine that she will stay friends with a lot of her exsisting friends as she can go out and see them.

And when she makes friends with a new girl like I said they can visit but not sleep over. She has plenty of friends that can sleep over. She won’t be sleeping over random people’s houses at 11/12 when I don’t know the parents even by sight.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:25

All schools* don’t know why there is an N there.

Happinesss · 23/05/2018 10:26

But OP no I don’t think your being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be happy with it. Have a talk with your dp about how to go about it in the future.

Twounder1 · 23/05/2018 10:32

I can see your side.. But if a step parent stopped me from seeing my friend at that age because they wanted a night off, it'd no longer feel like my home too.

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 10:32

Not a very good welcome for your SD, I feel really sorry for her. She isn't going to feel very wanted if she finds out you don't want her over! Let her invite her friend, it is a way of making her feel more that it is her home. And why don't you spend a little bit of time with her finding out what she wants to do for the sleepover, it's a chance to bond more with her. Once her friend is there they will probably want to get on with their socialising without the parents involvement so you'll be able to relax anyway,

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2018 10:34

It never ceases to amaze me how quick many Mumsnetters are to slam a stepmum if she dares to mind about anything relating to her stepkids

I have been here over 10 years and I am a step parent, I have never once been 'Slammed' as I treat my SS as part of the family and not an inconvenience.

MN will pull up SM if they are being unfair just the same as they would pull up a DM for being unfair.

Like I said upthread it is these sort of posters who give SM a bad name on MN.

Loyaultemelie · 23/05/2018 10:34

Whilst I would feel exactly like you do (I love into my pjs and feet up about 8.00) I probably would just either grit my teeth and smile because realistically they won't be near you anyway, and send dh to the door for the pickup, or stick on the pjs anyway. My dm was awful about having friends over and I practically moved out every weekend into my bfs house because her mum was lovely and welcoming and just treated me as her 3rd child (ie wore her pjs and told me to help tidy or cook my own food just like she did to bf or her ds) and I absolutely loved it there. Mind you now I know how DM felt but I do make an effort to hide it Blush