Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

Have had a nice little chat with dsd today to try and understand her abit more, it was our first opportunity for just us to talk. It seems like she's here because her mom wouldnt let her sleep at her friends house the night she came here as she wanted her help to look after siblings so mum could go out. She also said she does most of the cooking and cleaning at home since she's been here she's done no cooking or cleaning. My children or other dsd don't have chores yet apart from making their bed, opening curtains/blinds in the morning and putting their toys away. Im happy for her to stay here as it doesnt sound so pleasant at home. I feel sorry for her siblings if this is true. Im going to speak to her tomorrow about the room situation if we get time with work and school. Ive also asked her about what her mum has said about dad not being around and she just said dad was never spoken about, and if she brought him up she would be ignored or subject changed.

Teenagers are supposed to cook and clean and take care of themselves. It doesn't sound like a bad situation, but if it is it's your husband's fault which you don't seem to get...

I didnt write that properly, she cooks and cleans for her siblings as she said her mum is always out. I know and he knows he could and should of done more and it's eating away at him so bad as he thought her mum was giving her this amazing life and to find out different he feels so guilty and kicking himself so hard for not doing more to find her and he is trying his best to make it up.

Teenagers all feel hard done by. Most of the cooking and cleaning? You haven't seen much sign of that familiarity with chores, have you? By sixteen both my DDs were looking after themselves completely, cooking for themselves as they were vegetarians, looked after their own clothes, changed their beds etc.. She's painting a pathetic picture...

Seven kids? Are you billionaire's??

I wish! Theres 6 of is altogether, 2 adults 4 children and we were planning before dsd go back in contact to try for another baby next year, which would make 7 of us.

"By sixteen both my DDs were looking after themselves completely, cooking for themselves as they were vegetarians, looked after their own clothes, changed their beds etc.."

Really?

I don't know any 16 year olds who do that. DD (17) is up to her eyes in A level revision. I don't ask her to do anything round the house right now because her exams are far more important.

This will changer after the exams though.

As pp have said, it sounds like your DP has enough children to worry about already.

Single mothers have to be out of the House so they can provide. If she's around it saves on childcare and if she's cooking for herself it isn't much to make for more. Your husband hasn't been paying his fair share. He thought she was living a good life that's why he didn't go find her? Sorry but that's bs, she could have been dead for all she knew. It just sounds like a typical teenage rebellion. I don't know, it could be a horrific home situation. But from what you've disclosed it just sounds normal.

I dont actually like the sound of your DH and I know that's harsh. But if I came home to find any of my children gone, I would move heaven and earth to find them. Any parent would and it would concern me that my partner didn't do the same for his kids.

This kid must be extremely confused. She finds her dad 12 years later to find out he has children by two other women, and is considering more.

Of course she is acting out. Yes I agree to not transforming the front room. But I do however agree to maybe moving the DD who only visits weekends to the downstairs living room, and making his teenage DD her own space.

I get it she may flip back and fourth to her Dmums and DDads but! That doesn't mean your DP doesn't owe your DSD the world and more.

If this was my partner I would be making it clear he needs to be the dad his daughter always needed and that starts with making your home hers!

He can't go round creating life everywhere and then just acting like an idiot on the parenting front.

Also nobody has the right to tell you not to have more children. But does he seriously want more, when he has so many unsteady ground with his current children?

Make a happy home and then think about the future. Otherwise it's going to be a rollercoaster!

I think while he’s far from covered in glory here, it’s important to understand that some men don’t feel the same way as women feel about some things. Kids included

Yes, some of it is possibly a lazy cop out of making an effort, but it’s not accurate to project female thinking on this man. We’re not him, he’s not us.

Wow ^that's sexist

I'd be inclined to set up bunks for the girls and then have a daybed in the second living room. Then if on the weekend when the 11 yr old was over, the 15 yr old could escape downstairs if need be. You could just see how it all works out over the next few months. People get so upset about kids sharing bedrooms and personally I ththink no this is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with sharing. There's quite a big gap between your sons so as they live there permanently it may be wise to keep them as they are. It sounds like you are being very thoughtful and caring.

DO NOT get sucked in to her playing you off against her mum - the one that did the graft of raising her the last 12 years.

No it sounds like a perfectly NORMAL set up at home. Was the 'friend' a boyfriend? Someone that's led her astray in the past? You won't be able to answer that because you don't know her friends or her mum, you don't even really know her.

Honestly I think your other dsd and son aged 10 SHOULD be doing chores. Even if only lay table, clear table, empty dishwasher type things for 10 year old. And 12 (?) year old dsd can do most things. Everyone should contribute to the running of their home.

I bet if you spoke to her mum she's hardly bloody Cinderella! But a 15 year old looking to suck up to long lost dad and new stepmum will make out they are! My dd now 17 certainly at 15 was keeping her own room clean and tidy, her own laundry, dishes of an evening, cooking for us both once a week. In 3 years she is potentially going to be living alone and needing to look after herself either at uni or in a house share. Dd is now 17 working full time, does all I said before, cooks at the weekends, does all the hoovering, babysits for a friend at weekend for a few extra quid, gets any shopping I can't get online and cleans the bathroom once a week (there are parts I can't do/reach due to disability).

I don't have younger DC but it's also totally normal for them to look after younger siblings at that age and in a single parent household may be necessary due to work shifts etc. I'm the eldest of 3 and I certainly looked after younger siblings from the age of 14. I grew up in a genuinely abusive household. This was NOT abusive, most of my friends the same age did the same as do dds friends, her best friend is the eldest of 5 and does this.

Harry Enfields depiction of teenagehood is painfully accurate in some ways. Eg ask them to put their plate in dishwasher "it's not fair! I have to do EVERYTHING round here!!"

Be very mindful you're only getting ONE very BIASED version here.

I think that it should just be a "no, that's not going to happen" re the living room from you, rather than allowing all this discussion. You shouldn't even be discussing it with her, she is the child. She has two perfectly good options, you are being very reasonable and fair. And your partner is bonkers for even thinking this would be a good idea.

Throwing your household into an upheaval that will disadvantage everyone just to keep one child happy sets up a bad precedent and is very unfair for everyone else.
How many more wild requests and bad behaviours will your husband support just to keep her happy to the detriment of his other children?

You are also going to have to talk to your DH about treating everyone the same sooner rather than later. The eating in the room needs to stop, and if he can't enforce the house rules then I see no reason why you are not "allowed" to step in and tell her not to do things. If you are supposed to tiptoe around her constantly in case you offend her, or have her running off back to her mother , then you are about to have a horrible next few years. Start as you need to continue.

With the blended family you have consistancy in parenting for everyone needs to be established and stuck to. Rein the future Disney Dad in.

Good luck.

What @gluesticks said a few pages ago. Bigger rooms for sharers, and you can even partition it off with furniture for perceived privacy.
Do sd x 2 in biggest room (after master) then boys in the other rooms.

Presumably, even if she goes back to her mother, she will have the option to stay at yours weekends or whenever, so a bed is needed either way.

I agree with you op but it might be easier to manage the situation if you can work with him from his position. It's this that motivates him. You don't have to agree and work to his chosen solution, but working on the problem with him would help him come to a more reasonable decision and be less divisive.

Your partner is doing the guilt thing but giving up the living room would be to the detriment of the whole family. Your only shared space would be the small single sized living room. No way. She can share.

No to the big living room!

Either SD gets the room where her her half-sister sleeps at w/e's and shares it with her, or the little living room. Tell her you'll review it after a year if things are working out and she's still with you full time.

Sounds like an extension or loft conversion might be the answer in the long-term. It also sounds as though DP is desperate to compensate for 12 years of NC.

So the mother has moved home/school 10 times in 12 years and changed her name twice? That is absolutely textbook for hiding a child from an ex.

^^This

For DSD1's DM to go to so much trouble to hide, there must be more to this story. Was there DV? Otherwise it just doesn't ring true. Are you sure it's not DH exaggerating to ease the guilt?

I'm in agreement about not giving up the main lounge though, definitely only give DSD1 the two options you've suggested. She just needs to know you'll all be there for her and not let her down. Once she feels more secure, things will settle down.

@tootstastic

For DSD1's DM to go to so much trouble to hide, there must be more to this story.

I keep querying this, but getting no reply. Nobody puts themselves to that amount of trouble, changing names, moving secretly, for no reason. Now it might be that she was hiding from a later partner, but I'd want to know, and I'd be contacting the SD's mother to get the full story.

Are social services/solicitors involved?

Agree juells it just doesn't sit right, does it?!

It could be that their was domestic abuse. Equally the story could also be that the mother has mental health issues.

I suppose the big question is has the mother also tried to hide her younger children from their father(s).

My dp said it wasn't dv, and i don't think it was either, i know i wasn't there but after 10 years of been together not once as shown any violence towards me or anyone else. It's just not him, he's not the calmest person in the world but no way can I imagine him ever hurting anyone. Dp and dsd mum split up when she was 1 and they remained on good terms until dsd was 3. Then one day he went round to see them and looking through the window he could see the house was empty, number changed, no way of contacting her as she didnt have any relatives (she grew up in care) or know of any of her friends addresses. The only thing he can think triggered it was when he met a new girlfriend. Dsd said siblings have no contact with their fathers or fathers family either.