Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

Abandoning your kid for 12 years is being a deadbeat...

I really think when dad stops spoiling her and giving her her own way she will go home. Then when she cant get her own way with mum she will come back.

This absolutely cannot be allowed to happen. Her dad needs to stop spoiling her - he isn't being a good parent or making up for lost time by spoiling her. Good parents enforce rules and boundaries for children because it is good for them, and failing to do so is failing DSD. It sounds like you know this.

Flitting between houses and playing parents off against each other is the oldest trick in the step-child book I may have tried it once or twice but cannot be allowed. Make a home for her with you, apply the same rules and expectations you would of your own children and if she decided to throw a wobbly and threaten to move back with her mum you can deal with it then.

Btw, I want to second the pp who said you sound like a good step-mum. You really seem to want to find a solution that works for the whole family and aren't dismissing DSD despite your reservations.

I would take a more positive tack with your DH. The sitting room is going to be the place where these 'new' children bond with the family, over pizza, films, tv, whatever. If the sitting room is so cramped the tv screen is squashing your nose (a small single!!) noone is going to want to be in there. At 15 it's hard enough to keep them engaged in family life anyway.

I dont want to 'get rid' of her at all. She is more than welcome to stay. I just dont want to give up the livingroom for that to happen. Im giving her 2 options. I just feel she will be better off to live with mum mon -fri as school is alot closer to mums and mum must be missing her like crazy and stay with us weekends.

Technically, you have enough bedrooms, and not everyone is there full time, she may calm down after row, and not stay with you, teenagers are like that.You have given 3 reasonable options.

If she does share with sd she will still have her own time and space the majority of the week. And like i said, other sd only sleeps in there. All 4 bedrooms are relatively the same size. So swapping around makes no difference, our room is next to 2 year old which i like him being close, then ds and dsd room are just down the hall next to each other.

We are trying to find a way to give her her own room but she's not taking the option.

Then she shares. What would you do if it were your own child? I imagine you'd say "option A is sharing, option B is your own small room and there are no other options as we adults have decided that these options are reasonable" and have no further discussion. Your problem is that her father doesn't want to give her boundaries, which is a far bigger problem than who has which room.

I just feel she will be better off to live with mum mon -fri as school is alot closer to mums and mum must be missing her like crazy and stay with us weekends.

When you come from a normal family it is really hard to imagine what it is like to grow up in a chaotic environment. Despite being closer to school it is entirely possible that staying with her mum is not in her best interest.

Not helping here I know but from what you've said, OP, it sounds like your partner had three children by three different women within the space of five years (SD1 is 15, your son is 10, the other SD is in between), is that right? Wow.

Ok. Frankly I think between you, you have enough children. I really, cannot stress enough how you need to actually prioritise the children you have not just keep having more and more.

You both have good jobs you say. So more house and get your SD her own room.

I’d make her share with her sister having a child especially a surly teen on the ground floor means no privacy or sitting in your living room in peace ever again . And hell no to giving up your living room that’s a ridiculous idea .

If it were my children id give them the option and if they wanted an option that wasn't available id make the decision for them. The thing is, my dp is to blame for putting that thought in her head that she could have that room in the first place. Ive made it clear to them both it not a good idea, here is two other options, but because she's now stuck on the idea my dp is like whats the fuss?! I feel like im tip toeing around her. We dont eat in our bedrooms but she takes food in her room and my dp says nothing. He's letting things slide that he wouldnt with the other children.

Yeah. He had 3 children by three woman within such a short amount of time. Not ideal i know but it happened and we've tried really hard to make it work and make our children as happy as can be. And they are all happy and content but we just need to fit dsd into our family life but like i said, not at the expense of losing the beloved livingroom

I'd want to talk to the girl's mother and find out why she went NC for so many years. Did it have anything to do with the birth of the other SD? Sounds like it might have happened around the same time. But I'd definitely want to know.

OP, does your DP understand that rules are there for a reason and that enforcing sensible boundaries is what makes you a good parent? You really need to talk to him about appropriate house rules that ALL children are expected to abide by.

Really spell it out -
Bedrooms are upstairs and downstairs spaces are communal so that we can interact and engage with each other as a family. This helps us feel closer to one another and builds trust, respect and (hopefully) lifelong relationships.
Food is not allowed in bedrooms because it is unhygienic and a real nuisance for cleaning. Meal times are sociable - it is time to get together as a family and insisting that DSD sticks to the same rules will, in the long term, help her see that she is part of a family. We don't want to make her feel like an outsider.

If it were your children they wouldn’t have had a tumultuous time. But that’s not the case. Have you thought about sitting down with dsd1 and asking her what she wants? I don’t understand why you haven’t engaged with the suggestion of having the smaller living room a chill out room for the older kids that she can go to alone when dsd2 is around.

I don't understand why your DP can't see that the larger room isn't an option. Why on earth does he think the whole family should suffer to accommodate this? Why is he so uninterested in the needs of his other children?

Mummyoflittledragon, OP has engaged with the chill out room idea. Look at her posts.

" Ive made it clear to them both it not a good idea,"

I think you need to sit them both down and be clear that it's more than not a good idea. It's a complete no. Never gonna happen. End of.

What are your current finances like? If you can come up a budget (before talking to your DSD) for making over the small room, and then let her know that she has £20 for a duvet. £30 for curtains, yadda yadda, so she can look online and send you the links for what she wants. Ask for paint colours- and get your DP to actually take responsibility for making sure the room gets painted.

Make it nice for her, and both of you put the effort into making sure the room is properly finished.

But the lounge? Just nope.

And they are all happy and content but we just need to fit dsd into our family life but like i said, not at the expense of losing the beloved livingroom

The priority is to help the household adjust to providing the best possible support for all the children including a teenager who has been through a lot. I think you've got more to worry about than the living room.

I haven’t read all the replies (sorry) but could SD who only comes over on weekends have the smaller living room downstairs?

I think after so many years of no contact a bedroom is the least he can do.

I'm presuming he has years of no child support to make up for too.

Please consider the kids you already have before planning another one.

I think she should have the other sister's room as she is there full time and the weekend sister should have the smaller downstairs room.

You say the weekend sister is older(?) so she would relise, I hope, that this is the best use of space.

YANBU. You should not have to give up a family living room for a child. She doesn't get to demand that. She is told what the options are and she can choose from that, but not have the living room. If she moves out back to her mother, then so be it.

You need to have a chat wth him about all 6 of you ever spending an evening in the small living room. Is it even possible to have enough armchairs/sofa so everyone can sit down?
I’m going to suspect not if your dsd finds it too small!!

He really needs a reality check, even (and especially) if his dsd is moving in permanently.

I may have read the being older bit wrong