Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

GnotherGnu
No you are wrong, op said to make the room for the children to share. I was suggesting making it a room for the older children so not sharing with babies / toddlers and dsd could use it as her room when dsd2 is there.

Willyou but surely he should also consider all the other children and how whatever arrangement they come up with will impact them?

If, for example, giving the big living room means they can never sit together as a family in the (smaller) living room, surely this will be detrimental to all the children involved, her included?

It’s think it’s easy to say that she has had such hard time until now because her dad wasn’t around that everything has to be done ‘to make up for it’ because it’s the best route down to full on guilt and actually not being helpful neither to the dsd nor to any of the other children there.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF
This is definitely the best solution I agree if ops dsd2 is amenable. As a 15 yo I’d be pissed off that a 2 yo got their own space when they don’t really need it. But I didn’t especially having missed out on so much.

As other people have said, the fact that they have been out of touch for so long has a bearing on this. She is pushing to test how important she is to him. He is anxious to 'prove' to her that she is very special and wanted and this issue is how they are going about it.

It doesn't sound reasonable for the whole family to give up the big living room for the exclusive use of one person regardless of whether she is going to be there full time or part time, short term or long term.

Asking her to share with her sister would be ok if they knew each other and had built a relationship but as they are essentially strangers I don't think it would work.
As you do have an alternative route to the the conservatory, the small back room would be ok if you furnished it properly as a bedroom, (perhaps with one of the nice Day beds from Ikea). Let her have a say in the decorating etc.

As you say, it sounds like a volatile situation and will probably change soon. None of it can be the 'fault' of a 15 year old but it will be a fine line between making her feel wanted and welcome and allowing her too much 'power' or status within her new family.

OP, I really think you need to sort this out with DP before either of you say any more to DSD. You are a couple, and the parents in your family so you need to be working together. It sounds like it is tough for you at the moment because he isn't treating you with sufficient respect and he isn't behaving like a responsible parent. The living room is just the tip of the iceberg and it seems to be the point where you've drawn a line in the sand.

It sounds like DSD has had a tough time of it and some leeway is understandable, but in the long run he is doing her no favours if he gives in to her every whim. Having a family living room is good for DSD as well as being good for the rest of the family so keeping it is the only sensible solution.

It’s abit grim when a man goes from woman to woman impregnating them in short spaces of time. Did he not know about contraception? Surely after the first pregnancy where his dd was taken his main concern should have been tracking her down and going through the courts. He failed her on a massive level instead he went on to have another dd and that relationship failed and now he’s with you who quickly had another child then a fourth and you want to add a fifth to the mix! You sure there isn’t anymore dc out there?

As a 15 yo I’d be pissed off that a 2 yo got their own space when they don’t really need it.

The 15yo has been offered her own room and doesn't want it because she says it is too small. She has been offered the option to share a bigger room with her half-sister (OP says they do know each other and get along well). It makes far more sense for the two girls to share as DSD2 is only there weekends rather than for the two full-time boys to share.

15yos get pissed off at all sorts of stuff, you really can't parent them by being frightened of pissing them off. You have to make decisions which are in the interests of the whole family. Sometimes they will get the better end of the deal and sometimes the worse end. That's how it works in families.

I don't think you can lose a large family living room when you are a large family. If there were just two or three of you, it's possible that you could be comfortable in the small room, but you won't be, from the sounds of it. Ignoring everything else, it's YOUR home, and you, as the adults, make the decisions as to what room is used for what. You two need to come to an agreement, WITHOUT her input. She's a child, she doesn't pay any bills, and whilst she needs to be considered in your decision making, it's not for her to make the actual decision. She can't get her way at the expense of every other family member. That's so unfair.

I think your SD is hurting and your DP is feeling guilty. But this is no reason to turn the rest of the family up-side-down. To turf the whole family out of their main living space to allow your SD to sleep there at the weekends is just plain crazy! Stick to your guns.

Gluessticks
As far as I’m aware, it isn’t dsd, who has said no to the downstairs back room with a daybed or even better a cabin bed with desk/drawers underneath. That’s the father.

I know that this sounds silly but I actually think that the best way to show a child you love them and consider them important is to set boundaries. I was always very jealous of my friends and their strict parents as a teenager (crazy I know) because I felt like they CARED more than mine. I think explaining to her she is part of the family and that means following all the family rules is the best thing to do for her in the long run because she will (even if subconsciously) feel included and cared for. Especially if her mother's is quite chaotic. Maybe she is pushing you because she really wants you to push back. I think the plan where she shares with DSD sounds good, and I would
take her to get some nice bits for the room to make it feel like it's hers too. The only thing that can make up for your DP's absence is love, combined with time. No amount of giving in or throwing gifts etc at her will help - it will only hurt.

I'd want to talk to the girl's mother and find out why she went NC for so many years. Did it have anything to do with the birth of the other SD? Sounds like it might have happened around the same time. But I'd definitely want to know

I was wondering this too. It might shed light on why the first mother did a runner with SD1. She may have had a good reason, or it could just have been out of spite (my hunch is leaning to the latter), but either way it needs to be talked about amongst the adults.

Why can't you put a sofa bed in the small living room for his other daughter who only comes on weekends? I'm sure she won't mind if you explain to her that the other DD is moving in and you need her room (is it her room or just a general spare bedroom?)

DSD only came on the scene last week after 12 years nc and now she's moving in? What could possibly go wrong????

It's a knee jerk reaction, and is not a plan that has been thought through in any way! Already, it's causing difficulties and potential splitting of views between you and your DH

I'd send her straight back to her mother's home for her own good as well as yours as a family. There doesn't seem to be any safeguarding issues about her living with her mother. They're just not getting on, which is pretty standard for a 15 year old and a parent, but no reason to up sticks and move out! She's playing off one parent against the other, and already demanding the terms of engagement with her father. Her mother is likely struggling to keep appropriate boundaries for her, as she should, for this aged teenager. She needs to go back home, and work out her difficulties with her mother.
Tell her that you'd love to get to know her and see her regularly for the day and that she can stay over sometimes for the weekend, and make her feel like a part of your family, but she can't live with you full time at this stage.
None of you know her, she's already making a huge and unreasonable demand about a large bedroom - what if she continues demanding unreasonable things and then you can't meet that demand? Will you and DH be able to handle her behaviour without the relationship breaking down with her, (or each other)
It's all so unplanned , it's highly likely that the current arrangement will break down. Will she then end up homeless or in care, as mum may not have her back by that time? Or maybe she'll just go back to her mum's eventually but will end up feeling rejected and dejected by the situation and her dad, and her school work will have likely suffered too as a result of all the upheaval and changes of allegiance/ residence etc.
I really can't see that this is going to have a happy ever after ending for any of you . The long term impact of these scenarios for DSD is considerable and your playing Russian roulette with her future.

Much better to return her to her mother and support DSD living there mainly, and helping her deal with the issues with her mum, (without undermining mother).

Set a generous budget for redecorating and equipping that room and ask the 10yo DS, the weekends-only DSD and the newly rediscovered DSD how many of them want the budget and free reign to personalise the downstairs room and move down there. If only one of them wants it, that's fine. If more than one wants it, draw lots. If none of them wants it then the obvious person to impose it on is the weekends-only DSD - but hopefully it would never come to that.

YY to this. DSD who is weekends-only might prefer to have her own, smaller, space - or she might not. If it's a discussion between all the older DC, then you are treating them the same.

Or you could say - DSDs both share, but DSD1 can also have the small space as her own retreat at weekends, with a sofa bed.

If my child had ‘disappeared’ with her other parent I’d sell a bloody kidney to hire someone to track her down.
I would certainly not have another child(ren) until i’d found her and was a proper part of her life again.

As a PP said: it’s totally not selfish of YOU wanting another baby but totally irresponsible for your DP to go ahead and father another.

That energy should be channeled into daughter who hasn’t seen him for over a decade but, obviously, not in a Disney fucker way.

You say he’s not a deadbeat dad but shoving some cash in an ISA and having photos up doesn’t cut it.

I dont think it's fair to the other children to rearrange their room setups, why should they feel that what one wants is more important than the rest of them. I wouldn't agree to losing your living room either.
Best option is sat right there by your conservatory. Whether she moves in or not clear that room leave it neutral put in a bed and storage. Leave some decorating mags on the table. TELL HER this is here for you if you need it. Please personalise it Dad will take you shopping and be footing the bill.
Then take the others out and leave her and dad to decorate together. Even if she doesnt move in it can't be said you didn't make an effort.

Why are people suggesting the younger kids go down there...that doesn't seem right. And why should they give up their space? The kid is 15 going on 16, 17, 18 etc do you want her teenage friends tramping upland down your stairs disturbing everyone, what about when she's had a night out and comes back tipsy is it fair for the others to be disturbed. What about when she starts having sex? Come on folks give it some thought.

Well if he’s had no contact for most of her life, I’d say the least he owes her is a bedroom!
Yes but she can either share with sis or have the smaller one!

QueenArseClangers- you have no ideal how long he looked for, he is allowed to have a life and go on to have more children. Just because the mum selfishly uprooted her family, changed names multiple times and schools it doesn’t mean that he can’t continue to have a bloody life.

It’s all good saying ‘I wouldn’t do this or that’ but your not in that situation.

The op is also allowed to continue with her life plans of having another baby. Just because she’s decided to come and find him now she’s had a falling out with her mum. She probably won’t even stick around and will go back home if he acts like a normal dad.

Siobhann You have a DP problem.

The eating in rooms is a complete no-no. You will be setting different rules for different kids and while I get that she wants to feel extra special because she's been denied a relationship with her dad and wants to prove somehow that she is worth more than everyone else, being fair to all kids is the kindest thing you can all subscribe to.

so, no, she has a room that is the most sensible choice for everyone, it's brilliant that she has a home space with you, but it has to work for everyone equally for it to be something that is sustainable and healthy

No way are you being unreasonable. She’s totally unreasonable and your DH more so for entertaining it. Please don’t give up your sitting room. Not fair on you or the other children. What might she ask for next?

So the mother has moved home/school 10 times in 12 years and changed her name twice? That is absolutely textbook for hiding a child from an ex.
There was a thread a while back where the OP was being turfed out of her own home to facilitate contact sessions with her DP and a child that had been hidden in this way.
It's no wonder DP wants to do whatever he can to show his DD that he didn't abandon her and she isn't an afterthought now that they are back in touch.

I think your ideas are sensible but you need to put yourself in your DPs shoes, he lost his daughter before and he will likely be determined not to let it happen again. If he gets a vibe from you (as i have) that DSD is an inconvenience to you and you don't really want her around then he may well feel like you're forcing him to choose.

@outatime

So the mother has moved home/school 10 times in 12 years and changed her name twice? That is absolutely textbook for hiding a child from an ex.

But, as I've said a couple of times already, I'd want to know why. Why would someone go to such lengths, and put themselves to so much inconvenience?

The way your dp is going about things will eventually alienate the other Dc's. At the moment they are accepting of her but as they see her flouting the rules and getting away with it, or getting special privileges or taking things like the living room, away from them, the more they will become resentful of both her and you, the parents.

Tell DP to be careful as he is storing up problems for future relationships.