Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

No....and stick to it!

No

You'll have to tell dp there is no way you'll give up the front room. Where does he expect you all to sit in the evening? Did he say?

She can't come in and demand to take over your house. She is being a brat! Tell her she shares or get a the box room and tuff if she doesn't like it

Yes this. because if 12 years of no contact with her father won't shatter her self-esteem and make sure she will make poor choices in life THIS will nail it.

God I really do feel sorry for all of these children with this inadequate father.

OP. Tell your husband to shut up about the living room. That's his guilt (honestly got) talking.

Give a room to the 15 year old - I suggest the room the every other weekend dd has now. Give the small living room to that younger dd. And have a chat with her about how the 15 year old needs to feel at home/whatever.

Actually talk to ALL your older children about the situation of a child of their father turning up out of the blue with 12 years of no contact. I bet they are feeling pretty weird about that.

Don't you think between you you're all set on the children front? I think 4 kids and 3 mothers is going to make life complicated enough without adding another into the mix.

Are you planning to marry this virile chap?

“And I want to try for another baby next year.”

Yep. Course you do.

FFS. Properly house the children you’ve got. And maybe make enquiries as to WHY this woman ran away from your ex so suddenly and completely.

At 15 she really does need her own space, however that is in a house that she's living in full time.

As a compromise, say that she shares the bedroom with the other DSD and then make the smaller living room into a den which is for all the children to chill out in when they need some quiet time?

By the way the responses on this thread have been eye-opening. A man doesn't have contact with his daughter for 12 of her 15 years and the biggest concern is the living room?

no no no, she is a brat, stick to it, tuff, she may well disappear by Friday.

Weird shit.

Those that live there permanently get a bedroom. Part time visitors get either shared space or a sofa bed in the back living room.
She does not get to dictate which space she sleeps in, you do. Living room is off limits. This is not a student squat. Does your dp not see that if it were about their relationship, she would sleep on a shelf just to be with her dad. This is about control, tell him to be the parent she needs and say no. Her mum is always gonna be the bad guy whilst doling out discipline. About time Dad did too.

Some of you are very over dramatic.
This child has recently come into everyone's life. Life with her Mum sounds chaotic at best. Yes she needs some stability but messing up the whole household by giving her the living room would be wrong. Everyone needs that space to be together (or apart) as and when.
I think she should share the room with the dd who is there part time. This is a new situation and may well not last. Give it a few months then reassess if necessary.
As both boys are yours with dp you have clearly been together a long time and should be able to work with this together.. but slowly to avoid making things worse for everyone! Sit him down and explain calmly how you perceive things should be.

To be fair to the poor kid here...

She hasn't known her dad because mum disappeared and took her away, this isn't the child's fault. She enters a set up where she sees a parent's room then the other 3 children getting a room each and none for her. She is only asking for the same and wanting to be part of it all with her dad. The living room is a no but she needs to feel welcome. I think the comments such as "brat" and "dictate" are a little harsh.

I stand by my earlier suggestion with a long term goal of making her feel part of the family. A bedroom does this, a living room conversion does not.

again, how amazing that so many women think being out of a child's life for 12 years is just fine really. Thinking it isn't is "over dramatic" apparently.

Would you feel that way if it was your father who had no contact with you for 12 years?

The obvious thing to do is give the daughter the small living room as a bedroom. Families need larger spaces to spend time together, otherwise you will all be in different rooms!

Absolutely no way should she have the family room. Just no no no.
She'll probably go back soon having upset your household as well. Nooooo

wow some people on here are harsh and judgemental! a bit harsh calling the DH a deadbeat dad and the daughter a brat sounds like she's had a chaotic life tbh so going off the rails or being a bit of a brat is to be expected really (not that its an excuse to demand things)

Personally I think its unreasonable that she gets the massive living room and when she possibly may not stay permanently in the long term. And it sounds to me like DH is feeling guilty for being absent most of her life so he wants to do this to feel less guilt which in the long run ain't gonna work as next it will be something else she wants from him and he will give in not a good start to their relationship she needs a parent not a friend and I think you need to sit your DH down and tell him this. Why not give her the smaller living room but tell her she can decorate it how she likes and have her own bed etc? least then she's being given her own room and free rein to make it her own that at least shows she's welcome in the house and family and its a fair compromise. RE: trying for a new baby only suggestion there is to move to a bigger place.

A second living room is not a necessity in a house. A bedroom is. That should really be the end of the discussion.

Poor kid.

Without seeing the exact set up of the house, it's hard to see whether it would make more sense to convert the back living room or the conservatory into a bedroom, but that's the better option than the big family living room

Please don't have any more DC any time soon - your DP has got four with three different mothers and a variety of living and contact arrangements. He needs to make this work first, without adding in any more stress and complication

Op I think your bunk beds idea sounds sensible. I also think using the small living room is workable. I’d be a bit worried about your other sd felling crowded out of her room though. You would have to have a chat and see what she would prefer. Could “ new” step daughter go visit her Mum for at least 1 night over weekend? I would be trying to encourage regular contact anyhow although I hear what you said about her.
As for convting the living room - no way!

Why can't young ds go in the small living room converted into a bedroom? Toddlers don't need much room. Teens do. They need somewhere they can invite their friends/gf/bf into, dance about, do homework (which at that age can need spreading out/take up lots of room).

This girl is as much part of the family as your 2 sons.

Weekend daughter could also use the small living room converted using a good quality metal action sofa bed, as they're only there weekends they don't need quite as much room.

You can get blinds for conservatories for more privacy if necessary.

Also I noticed you said I want another baby next year, how does your partner feel about that? Can you afford it? You'd likely need a bigger house.

"Why are you helping this girl defy her mum" I'm wondering this too, barely back in her life and already undermining the mum that's done the graft of raising her the last 12 years (without maintenance too?).

He has 2 children by 2 different mothers - I thought it was 4 children by 3 mothers?

Hmm yea touch of a 'crazy ex' story there, will only communicate with teachers (why? How has dp responded to communication before?), it's also rare someone does a flit like that without good reason.

I also agree another baby at this point is a terrible idea.

What are your reasons behind another child?

Are you married?

Wtf does that question mean EveningHare?

Which one?
The one about being married? Does the op have security before adding to his children? She has 2 with him, he has 2 with other women - so children by 3 mothers, not a great track record?

Wowsers - what a catch he is............... not.
He has more baggage than Heathrow airport.

Why would you have a child with this man?
He couldn't even mind his own daughter.
I feel sorry for your kids.

I think there is a lot of projecting onto the op. She and her dp have been together over 10 years and they are on good terms with the mother of dsd2.

Dsd1 has probably had to share for years with other siblings on mother’s side, and has now seen other siblings on fathers side with their own room.

Even if she comes & goes, so does her half sister, but in a structured arrangement.
I would convert the downstairs living room, into a proper bedroom, and take her out to buy bedroom furniture & choose paint etc. A sofa bed is no good. If she feels properly welcome then the pestering and arguments with your dp will probably subside.
Obviously it’s up to you to choose how & when to have more children, but if your& your dp are as comfortable as you say, I would be looking at buying ab6 bedroom house first, to accommodate yourselves and 5 potential children

Everyone having their own bedroom is a fairly decent thing. There's nothing wrong with children sharing so long as they have ownership of their own space. A family not having a big enough living room to all sit in would be crazy.

It would be perfectly fine for her to share with her half sister for the few nights a month they're both in the house. Especially given that you have 2 living rooms and a conservatory so the children all have space. My dc have really small bedrooms but we have 4 reception rooms so plenty of room for them to use.

The key to this girl feeling welcome has nothing to do with turning the family out of the living room to convert it to her bedroom and everything to do with her dad spending time with her and the whole family building a relationship with her.