Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

Bunk beds in the larger bedroom. The living room remains the living room. With everyone living in the house, you will need that space.

It sounds like she needs some very clear boundaries and lots of love.

So many things going on here.

But to stick to the question at hand, no, the SD shouldn't have the large living room. She can have either the small lounge room, or use the fourth bedroom on her own during the week and share with her half sister on the weekends. That said, what does the long term SD think of sharing with her new half-sister? Maybe she'd prefer to have the smaller lounge room to herself during her weekend visits?

I can see why SD wants her newfound dad to "prove" that he loves her by giving her the larger room, and why DH is trying to play Disney dad by giving it to her, but neither is remotely reasonable. An entire household of people shouldn't be inconvenienced for one person.

Well if her dad hasn’t been around for 12 years, then maybe cut the kid some slack and think about why she’s asking for a room. She will have huge abandonment issues and kids like that have a very hard time. I don’t think it’s practical to let her have the main living room but the other room sounds a good idea so she has her own space. and making out like she is making your baby plans hard is incredibly selfish, you and your husband need to concentrate on the children you already have not throw more into the mix.

She gets the choice of sharing with sister or having small back room for her bedroom.

If she stays long term then you can think about swapping the girls rooms round, but that is something to talk to the other (weekend) daughter.

Choices as I see it:

1. you get the downstairs small room as a bedroom. This would be the best and fairest choice. You could then give your 2 yo your bedroom and store your clothes in there. Issue is you’re a long way away from your 2yo. Is that ok?
2. you give it to your 2 yo ds but again he’s very little so perhaps it would be too far away from you. He doesn’t need privacy and he is the one, who needs toys close by.
3. you give it to your dsd2. I’m assuming there are doors between the conservatory and this room so it gets shut off completely. She is only there at weekends and you’d just have to go round the outside of the house to use the conservatory at these times. But only if she would have to be ok with this.
4. you give it to dsd1 and never use her room as a walk through. You get her a day bed, which could eventually be used as a sofa in there if she doesn’t stay long term.

Longer term if your dsd1 stays, could you do a loft conversion / convert space in the garage / build a log cabin? My friend has a 3 bed and a much older ds. They converted a very small space in the garage for him to sleep. It wasn’t much more than the width of the double bed. He loved it as he was completely separate.

I wouldn’t have the girls sharing unless they’re completely comfortable with this as they don’t know eachother.

Where is she sleeping now?

Stepdaughter has small sitting room and you make it into a bedroom with no thro access. Decorate it as she wishes with a proper bed and furniture. Otherwise you will have no where to gather as a family. Also if you made the other kids share, the older kids may resent step sister if they are suddenly made to share (got their room just as they want it, my room etc). If you give in,what would the next demand be (eg later bedtime, staying out all night) She has the offer of a room of her own. I do feel sorry for her re lack of contact etc but this doesn't give her the right to demand stuff and turn the lives of the rest of the household upside down.

I will stress i think the op has been very generous. She has taken her 2sd stepdaughter into her home and has offered to look after her and make arrangements to give her, her own space. Big shout out to op for being a decent step mum to both stepdaughters.

The dsd that lives here part time is fine with sharing. It's the older sd who wants the big room. Both sisters get on, their not totally strangers, they have been meeting up on a regular basis for a good few months and we've done lots of family activities/days out together. I dont think it's selfish of me to want another baby at all. I may postpone if our living arrangements are settled by then but it's something we were planning before dsd come to stay. The potential new baby will sleep in my room for the first year anyway, then share with dc2. That was always the plan, but having dsd come is totally different. She wants her own room, which is fine, i want her to have her own space and be apart of our home but i think for my partner to give her the big room is crazy when theres another option.

At the minute she's sleeping in her sisters room. And the last 2 times her sister has been here she has had a sleep over with cousin/friend so they made a bed up on the floor out of blankets and pillows in the livingroom (like they usually would) and slept in there.

Stick to your guns. I wouldn't give up my front room either. Your other half is being unreasonable. You tell him you have plenty of other options without losing your front room. Good on the weekend stepdaughter being willing to share.

You didn’t answer the question. If you gave her the smaller room downstairs, would you be able to block that off access to the conservatory and go round the house instead?

Stick to you guns op.

Don’t give up the living room, make them share. Easier for everyone.

We could block it off. Easily. But because its a small room. (If it where a bedroom it would be a small single), she wants the big room. From what i gather she hasnt come from a big room so it's not as though she's used to the space.

Would a large private bedroom make up for those lost years - probably not.

And in reality, why should the wants of one over-ride the needs of many?

Having given those points of view I believe the young girl needs to feel secure. That she is welcome, a cherished part of the family and loved.

It may not be selfish of you to want another child but it would certainly be selfish of him to bring another baby into this mess. He has an extra 2 children that need some of his time and attention already.

She has options thrn that would make her feel at home but she wants more. She can't though because she's coming into a family not into a bachelor pad with her dad at her beck and call.

I think many 15 year olds would run away from home if they could go to an unknown Disney dad where they called all the shots.
I think your DP needs to do some real parenting here.Find out what the issues are at home and try to sort them. Her mother is probably distraught.

People don’t get to demand that the living room is suddenly their room. This is a nope situation to me.

I agree with working out which child has the small back room with them. You might find one of them actually quite wants it..

Move? With a new baby in plan this is something you would probably do anyway in a couple of years.

I hope this out for you all and that this poor child finds some stability.

So, he has another daughter who stays weekends, who already has her home life split between 2 homes, and now you want the poor girl to have HER room shared (or more likely, taken over) with a girl she doesn't know, has never met, and has just had dropped on her is also her half sister?
The 15 year old is not going to want to share with a (presumably younger) half sibling, she will want to take over that bedroom and make it hers, and will resent other DSD coming and staying weekends. Other DSD will have her safe/personal space in your home turned upside down, and who knows what 15 yo DSD will do to her things, how she'll treat her etc.
You can't do this, you just can't, its not fair on the DSD he has been in contact with.

I agree not fair to have your other dsd share a room when it's been just hers for so long, especially when there is a spare room down the stairs she could have.

Ok, for some reason it didn't load the 4th page so ignore that never met part, but still, the older DSD will end up seeing the room as hers and resent sharing with younger DSD, shes made it pretty clear she wants her own room, and at 15 could end up being pretty mean to younger DSD, who presumably is 12ish? Will be hitting puberty, could clash pretty badly having ot share long term and not as a sleepover arrangement.

You definitely shouldn't be sacrificing the big living room

Are any of the bedrooms upstairs big enough to sub-divide into two single bedrooms? A simple stud-wall of timber and plasterboard would only be a couple of days work - I'd guess less than £500 in labour and materials - and is also completely removable if the situation changes again and you want to go back to it being a double. Only works if there would be a way for both rooms to have a bit of window.

If that goes nowhere I would say that if anyone has to have the back sitting room then firstly - no sofa bed, it's going to be a proper bedroom and redecorated. The doors from that room to the conservatory are locked by default with the key in the posession of the room occupant so they can go to the conservatory direct if they wish but no one else can.

Set a generous budget for redecorating and equipping that room and ask the 10yo DS, the weekends-only DSD and the newly rediscovered DSD how many of them want the budget and free reign to personalise the downstairs room and move down there. If only one of them wants it, that's fine. If more than one wants it, draw lots. If none of them wants it then the obvious person to impose it on is the weekends-only DSD - but hopefully it would never come to that.

Do not attempt to conceive another baby until you are in a position to extend/do a loft conversion or move house to a larger place. Bringing an additional baby into this would be massively selfish and irresponsible.

Op it doesn’t matter if she had the biggest room in the house at her mums.
In your house it would be ridiculous to give her the front room just because she wants it. She will more then likely get bored soon and go back to her mums.
A proper arrangement needs to be set up if she’s staying and the best option would be for her to share with her sister and everyone gets use the of the downstairs rooms.

Imchlibob- why should the weekend only DSD get the back room downstairs when she’s been coming for years. New step sister comes so now she has to lump it and go downstairs so her new DSD can have her room