Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

[siobhann86]

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

Give her the small room but instead of a sofa bed get a day bed with storage and provide curtains to screen off the conservatory.

OP, if it were me I'd put the two DSDs in the second bedroom together - there's two of them so they need the space. The your 10yo can have the next biggest and the 2yo can have the box room. That way everyone has a permanent bedroom, DSD1 has her own space most of the week but shares for weekends. If they didn't know each other I'd think differently, but as they do I think its reasonable. (I shared with my half sisters until post-uni when I got a proper job and moved out so I don't really understand the angst about teenagers needing their own room - IMO it is a "nice to have" rather than an essential.)

I completely agree with the fact that you need a living room that fits you all in as a family. In fact, I think that a second living room is really good when you have teenagers - more so than their own rooms - as it gives them space to chill out or have friends over whilst still being downstairs and part of family life. However, for the sake of peace, and as DSD2 is happy to share at weekends, I'd offer DSD1 the choice - the small downstairs living room as her own bedroom or sharing the second biggest room.

I haven’t read the thread. However it is very very wrong to allow this girl to stay with you under these circumstances.

She should be sent home to her mother.

I’d be really annoyed if I was her mother!

I think sharing with her sister makes the most sense too. She is still having the room to herself at least 5 days a week. And only sharing weekends. And this morning she has said she would like to go to her mums on weekends so potentially the girls will never share the room. And theres enough space for separate dressers and drawers for their clothes and toiletries and other bits. And the dsd only uses the room to sleep in, she never plays in there. Im going to speak to my partner again about getting bunk beds and turning smaller living room into a chill out/play room for the children to all share. Thanks for all the helpful suggestions

I think she should be with her mum too and stsy with us weekends but if i say this to dp he will think i just want her to go. As a mum i want my children with my all the time, and especially if id raised them without dad for so long then she suddenly leaves to live with him, id be a mental wreck. But she doesnt want to go back full time, so what can we do.

The simplest situation here is to put the 2 year old and visiting 4 year old in the same room (whichever is the biggest) and give dsd (15) and ds (10) their own rooms. 2 & 4 year olds like to play in the main living spaces near to adults anyway so don't need their own room.

She should be sent home to her mother.

I’d be really annoyed if I was her mother!

I agree with the sentiment and think it is true in most cases. However, if life with her mother is chaotic (10 different schools and two name changes sound like it is) then forcing her back isn't necessarily in her best interests. Nor is offering a "disney dad" lifestyle at at OP's home. Offering her a choice to be a proper part of a stable family is. Not flitting between houses whenever she has an argument with one parent, nor giving in to every whim. But an actual home, with a bedroom and rules and adults who make decisions in the best interest of the whole family.

@siobhann86

We cant talk to her Mum. She wants no contact we dp. She does all the communication through the school teachers hmm her and my dp split up when dsd was 1 they remained on good terms then one day he went to see them and they where gone! House was empty!

Odder and odder. Why not contact the mum yourself? If the daughter is living with you it would seem to be the obvious thing to do, if only to reassure her. Ideally the girl should be with her mother, that's what I'd be aiming for. She's probably pushing to see if her father will reject her again, I feel for her.

YANBU in the slightest. He's trying to overcompensate at the expense of the rest of his family. It's not the right way way to go about things for anyone concerned.

PS if she's talking about going home at weekends it sounds like she's missing her mum.

You can’t give in on this. Your partner is being ridiculous and is probably trying to make himself feel less guilty about not being in her life for so long. If both the girls lived with you full time then surely they would share. This wouldn’t even come up as an issue. She needs to be put in her place, she is a child.

Op you sound very fair and considered.

I agree she should either share the bigger bedroom with other step sis, or accept the single small bedroom.

You have a large family so need a large living room for ALL to use.

She is lucky to have 2 options! both good.

Show your DH this thread if it would help as he is being very unreasonable and you are being very fair.

You do need to agree as a couple first, firmly, and the TELL dsd what her options are or what YOU have decided.You can still be your lovely welcoming selves!
but you are the adults and need to make the best decisions for ALL the family not just be pushed around by her unreasonable and selfish demands.

We dont have a four yr old. We have 2 ds aged 2 and 10. Step daughter just turning 12 and other sd 15. So the two sd are the closest in age. So thats why i thought it made the most sense to share, as their both girls and the closest in age. If dsd said she didnt want to share a room it would be end of discussion as its her room. But she doesnt mind. Think she'd actually quite like it, but other sd comes across that she needs more space that what were offering. Im doing all i can to make her feel at home and comfortable but im not willing to give up our family space. But my oh just doesnt get why i dont want to swap to the smaller room!

OP, am I understanding this correctly?

Current set up:
Room 1 - you and DP
Room 2 - DS1
Room 3 - DS2
Room 4 - DSD2

Planned set up:
Room 1 - you and DP
Room 2 - DS1
Room 3 - DS2
Room 4 - DSD1 and DSD2

If so, my suggestion would be:
Room 1 - you and DP
Room 2 - DSD1 and DSD2
Room 3 - DS1
Room 4 - DS2
My reasoning is that the two girls sharing will need two sets of furniture and so need the bigger room. If it would eliminate the need for bunk beds that removes at least one obstacle. It is annoying for DS1 (DS2 is too young to really care) but that's what happens when additional siblings come along - everyone has to make do with a bit less space. Your situation is unusual in that the additional sibling is older, but the same ideas apply.

I know you aren't convinced that DSD2 is going to stick around for very long, but you need to work on the assumption that she is permanent if you and DP really want her to be part of the family. If she changes her mind then you can always swap it all back.

As for having another baby - I don't think that is unreasonable at all. But at that stage you may be looking at having 5 children in a four bedroomed house so long term the children are going to have to get used to sharing. And I think "bigger rooms for the sharers" is perfectly sensible and guarantees you and DP the biggest room with an excuse to use against whingers.

He's been a deadbeat dad for over a decade and now wants to start to do the right thing. Find a way to give her her own room so for crying out loud

I really think when dad stops spoiling her and giving her her own way she will go home. Then when she cant get her own way with mum she will come back.

But my oh just doesnt get why i dont want to swap to the smaller room!

Could you use the fact that downstairs bedrooms aren't ideal for teenagers anyway? Much easier to sneak friends / boyfriends in to the house if all you have to do is open your ground floor window once everyone else is asleep or maybe that was just my secret plan when I asked for the dining room to be my bedroom.

Is anyone else confused about each of the children's parents?

OP has:
1 x step-daughter aged 15
1 x son aged 10
1 x step-daughter aged 4
1 x son aged 2

And all of these children have the same father? Did you separate for a few years between your first and second sons?

BTW, put the 15 year old in with the 4 year old.

I think the fact she has a choice is great. She has some control over her options. Just the living room isn't on the table as an option, because it's just not practical.

Oh I get it now. The second step-daughter is 12! There's only 4 years between them in age.

Yanbu.

Stay firm on not giving her the large living room. You all need it.

At this stage, after a week, I'd not plan on moving the other dcs rooms about either. She can bunk in the existing room of dsd.

Say to dh that if she's still with you full time come September you'll think about moving the bedrooms around.

So you just want to get rid of her and your husband go back to be a deadbeat!? Why?

We are trying to find a way to give her her own room but she's not taking the option. He's not been a deadbeat dad at all. Yeah, he could of tried harder to find her but that doesnt make him a deadbeat!! Our children have always known about her so she was never a surprise to them. We have pictures of her from when she was a baby in our home and dp has put money into an account for her every birthday and christmas and so have other relatives. So again! He is far from a deadbeat. It's not fair to give up our main living space to down size to a room that all our living furniture wouldnt even fit into.

It wouldn't be good for her to have the power to claim the living room. She needs boundaries and rules like all children, however much she wants or battles for something. It's not healthy emotionally to have that much control, over that many people, at that age.

Instead of having the smaller living room as a general child’s family room, why not have it as a chill out room for the older children? Put a daybed in there and when you have both girls together, your dsd has the possibility of having it as an alone space to do homework, sleep or chill if she wishes. That way she gets an extra space not invaded by babies / toddlers. She’s had a tumultuous time by the sound of it and she’s asking for her own space. This way, everyone gets the possibility of alone time and it’s giving her more of what she needs. Can you not see that a 15 yo may want space to be alone?