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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner wants to give livingroom to sd

203 replies

siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 22:25

My partner has just recently got in touch with his dd after 12 years. She is now 15. She has left home and now 'lives with us' we live in a four bedroom house, ds aged 10 as a bedrrom ds 2 aged 2 has a bedroom, we obviously have a bedroom and my partners other dd who stays with us weekends as a bedroom. We also have 2 livingrooms, one big one at the front of the house (which is the heart of our home where we relax each evening) and a very small one at the rear of the house which is rarley used due to its size apart toys, a desk and to walk through to get to the conservatory. My partner wants to turn front living room into ds bedroom and we relocate to the tiny back livingroom. Aibu to say no?! I mean she's been here a week. I suggested that either she has the back living room and we can get a sofa bed in there for her and some drawers for her things but he shot me down with a no, she needs a 'proper bedroom' or i suggested bunk beds in sisters bedroom as there is only 4 years in age and and she only comes weekends anyway so if my partners dd does fully commit to living here she still has her private space most of the week, but apparantly she wants her own room and is pestering my partner daily! She could go home next week for all we know. I did try and keep the peace by saying if she shows commitment we'll do it but i really dont understand why she cant share a bedroom. How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!

OP posts:
counterpoint · 22/05/2018 23:09

Does the house belong to you both equally?

pallisers · 22/05/2018 23:11

honestly, OP I wouldn't have a child with this man.

Original poster
siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 23:16

He did try look for her but she changed her name 2 times since and had 3 other children and dsd has said they dont see there dad and they have moved house and schools over 10 times. He could of tried harder he knows that. Financially we are both very comfortable and have good jobs. We both own the house.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/05/2018 23:16

If I were her mum, I'd see your husband as my worst nightmare. Their daughter has a place to run to where someone will do whatever she wants - how on earth is the mum supposed to compete with that?

TheHumanMothboy · 22/05/2018 23:18

Too late for that, pallisers. Presumably the DS age 2 is his?

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2018 23:18

Both your suggestions for accommodating his daughter are much more sensible than his.

But the idea of producing yet another child into this family and house doesn't sound sensible either.

You're not married? Is the house in both your names? Do you have an independent income?

Original poster
siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 23:19

I know that. I do feel sorry for her Mum in a sense because her daughter is only here because life is 'better' at the minute. Her mum wont talk to me, we've never met but has made it clear for me to not have any contact with her or any say in her daughters well being. Through school and dsd friends Confused

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 22/05/2018 23:19

"How can a family of 6 use a tiny livingroom?! And i want to try for another baby next year so that would be 7!"

Simple. Don't have any more children. Quality, not quantity.

CalF123 · 22/05/2018 23:22

I'm sorry but you are being extremely unreasonable. A 15 year old girl needs her own bedroom. The fact that she could have one but you are choosing to deny her it is even worse. I'd be relocating the living room to the roof if it meant my DC could have their own bedroom.

And as for the idea of her sleeping on a sofa bed- do you value and respect her that little? What kind of message does that send- you're welcome to stay but you can't even have a fucking bed, never mind a bedroom.

kittymamma · 22/05/2018 23:22

Fairest arrangements imo would be:

Master bedroom - Parents
Second biggest bedroom - 10 yr old and 2 yr old boys
Third biggest bedroom - New DSD
Box room - Visiting DSD with the agreement that she moves into the third when the baby is born and ready for their own room (or new DSD leaves). Baby's don't share well with siblings - crying and such when others have school the next day...

Re-evaluate when new baby is 2 years old. New DSD shouldn't need a room then (she would be over 18) and boys of 14ish really don't want to be sharing with 6 yr olds.

HollowTalk · 22/05/2018 23:23

They have got a bedroom which is only used at weekends. She could share that with her sister at the weekends and have it to herself in the week.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/05/2018 23:23

Really?

You should sell this story there's something quite chaotic and weird about it.

ByeMF · 22/05/2018 23:24

You/he need to work out why she ran away. What's going on in her life? Why won't she speak to mum (whom I assume is worried sick)? Neither of you know this girl or it would appear the back story. It's a very obvious no to the living room. A yes to the smaller room. And a yes to family therapy to try and untangle what caused her to leave her home.

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/05/2018 23:28

Why on earth would you plan to bring another child into this? You both need to concentrate on the ones you already have.

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2018 23:30

I wouldn't make a 10 year old permanent resident share with a 2 year old permanent resident to enable one weekend resident and one possibly temporary resident to have their own rooms.

GreenTulips · 22/05/2018 23:30

do you value and respect her that little?

She's only been there a week! She may well disappear by Friday!

Who gets to move in and dictate the rest of the family space? She has 2 other options but wants the biggest room. If she was that unhappy at her mothers she'd take the sofa!

gillybeanz · 22/05/2018 23:31

Gosh, I wonder why these former partners and some of the mothers of his children don't want to know him.
Sounds like a great catch.

SaucyJack · 22/05/2018 23:33

"The fact that she could have one but you are choosing to deny her it is even worse."

? Are you reading the same thread as me?

There is a room of her own she can have. It just isn't the biggest.

LovingLola · 22/05/2018 23:33

It's the children I feel sorry for. All of them.
Is your dp the father of your 10 and 2 year olds?

Original poster
siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 23:36

Not at all greentulips. But for my partner to want to change our living arrangements so quickly when she's been here so little and shown no real commitment to wanting to move in permanently. She has already been home to her mums house for 2 nights since being here, so thats another reason not to give her the livingroom if shes going to split her time between here and her mums.

OP posts:
Original poster
siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 23:37

Gillybeanz. Only one ex doesnt want to know him. They other ex has a very good relationship with him, as do i.

OP posts:
thegreatbeyond · 22/05/2018 23:37

It all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle, really.

Original poster
siobhann86 · 22/05/2018 23:39

Both my children are his.

OP posts:
kittymamma · 22/05/2018 23:41

I wouldn't make a 10 year old permanent resident share with a 2 year old permanent resident to enable one weekend resident and one possibly temporary resident to have their own rooms.

And I totally get your view point, and think you have a very valid point but I would. The two DSD are virtually strangers to one another now, so sharing would perhaps make one of both of them feel uncomfortable rather than welcome. By saying "when non-existent baby is 6 months" you will be sharing, then you are giving them time to get to know one another and prepare for such a time that the expectation is the same as their step/half brothers (this wasn't made clear).

Perhaps because I live in rented, I don't see room swaps as a particularly difficult thing to do. Room are all neutrally decorated and only furniture personalises it, which moves fairly easily. Then New DSD is welcomed completely (making the DP happy) and when she chooses to move back to mum's then she can't blame wicked step mother for not making her feel welcome.

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 23:42

No no no no, he has other children to think about and a wife. She can't come in and demand to take over your house. She is being a brat! Tell her she shares or get a the box room and tuff if she doesn't like it

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