To believe kids are equal to adults

[DragonMummy1418]

They deserve the same treatment.
Their feelings are just as important as adults.

My parents told me that our home was a dictatorship not a democracy growing up and made me feel that my thoughts and opinions were not important or valid.
If it's something they can have a say in safely then I let my dc help make choices.

I went food shopping with my mother (who I am LC with) and 3.5 yr old DS today and she was appalled that I was letting my DS have a say in what we bought.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting him fill the trolly with ice cream and sweets but when it comes to a choice of which meat or which vegetables etc then I'm happy to let him pick what he likes and I know he will eat.

My mother was horrified when I said that I value DS's feelings and thoughts on the same level as my DH or hers (probably more than hers, lol).

I genuinely prefer the company of my child to a lot of adults I know.

They're equal but not as sensible as us I don't hold with dictating to children. For example...I don't punish my children.

People on here often say "And what were the consequences!?" when someone describes their child misbehaving. And they're often aghast at the idea that "No, I didn't take their pocket money or ipad away"

I discuss with my children why certain behaviours aren't good...and for me, it's worked.

Both of my DC aged now 13 and 10, are kind, hard-working children who do well in school and are popular.

They do their homework without prompting and they treat their own and others belongings with respect.

I have never taken things from them as a way of showing them their behaviour has consequences.

Because I don't think that's a realistic consequence.

Yabu as there is no way you give your child equal footing all day everyday. Whether it's crossing the road, bedtimes or how much TV they watch so as you are in control of when you are choosing to follow what your child wants - that's not valuing their feelings to the same as your own or your DPs.

OP is talking about how they are treated and feelings though.

I hate when people don't understand children's reactions to things, partly because they are children and they are still learning to control and express these feelings, and because they are still human and entitled to that feeling no matter how silly it may be to you, the same way adult reactions are different.

Equal in rights.
Not equal in responsibilities.

So many people not understanding what OP means by equal!
It's about consideration!

Ajas

We did t either I always am a bit at some posts where the phone or iPad has been confiscated from kids as that seems to solve nothing.

We just talked, discussed and negotiated and it seemed to work for us too

Children are not equal to adults.
Children deserve to have their thoughts and feelings taken into consideration, but their parents are the decision makers.

Yes equal consideration absolutely right

But they're not equal. The children do not get much of an opinion, if any, into what happens in the home.

Great boasting post OP

I agree with the making of small decisions. It's when posts on here say things like 'we're planning another DC but DD doesn't want a sibling' or 'we want to move but DS doesn't...' I think it's getting ridiculous. I think helping make small day to day choices is confidence building.

How old are your children @Ajas?

Their feelings are not equal.

For example, if my DS wants a kinder egg at 7.00pm and I say "no" I don't actually give a shit that he's sad about not having chocolate.

As a teacher I totally disagree with this. I teach teenagers and by their nature, they are self centered (important part of growing up- not a criticism)
It helps them to not be equal to adults in terms of societal structure, as taught properly, this allows them to fit into social groups better. My students who have been listened to too much, and treated equally by their parents are the ones who struggle socially when their friends don't want to listen to their every thought or let them talk on and on abut the same subject

My students who have been listened to too much, and treated equally by their parents are the ones who struggle socially when their friends don't want to listen to their every thought or let them talk on and on abut the same subject

Excellent point.

Kids should be treated with respect and kindness, always- however, they are not equal because they do not have control and then control should be given incrementally as they mature.
I see the results of a lot of 'we are equal' parenting and it isn't pretty and does the child no favours.

Sweet as I mentioned, they are 13 and 10. Almost 14 and 11 in reality.

They're equally valuable, equally human, equally important.

They are not equivalent.

I think equal is being understood differently by different people.

The cleaner in a multi-billion pound private ltd company is absolutely equal to the owner/ director, as a human, both have identical human rights, but the cleaner does not have the same rights as the owner to decide company policy. Equally the owner/ director has a responsibility to treat the cleaner properly as an employee - the cleaner is not responsible for the owner's salary, pension and working hours.

There is a power imbalance between parent and child. There is also a responsibility imbalance.

Children are equally important and equally human though, yes. It's good parenting to listen to them and take them seriously and not to ignore their individuality. It's also sometimes good parenting to overrule them and not involve them in decisions you actually aren't going to listen to them on because the wrong decision would have consequences.

Can't quite agree with you, even on the feelings side.

My 5yo doesn't get to decide that he isn't going to school today because he doesn't feel like it, or because he feels too tired, or because he's a bit sad today, or because he feels like playing with play-dough all day.

He can TELL me all of those things, and I'll look to find any validity in any of them but unless he's actually unwell, he's going to school.

Children don't have the same powers of rational thought at that age as adults do (most adults, not all). They are unable to think decisions through, they just respond to their feelings - if we all did this, then the number of adult tantrums going on would be ENORMOUS!

Listen to your child, by all means. Take their feelings and opinions and choices into account and then do what is best for them ANYWAY - that's what parenting is about.

Chrochet

Agree but that’s basic manners isn’t it? Taught at toddler stage as don’t interrupt anf take turns.

We all know the parents who expect the whole train carriage to listen in wrapt attention to the wittering of a 3 year old..that’s the poor sod as a pits teen.

In my mind children are equal to adults in the sense that they are human beings the same as an adult is.

However, they are not legally responsible for themselves or physically or emotionally capable of being responsible - so adults have to be on their behalf.

The debate comes of course about how that responsibility is taken - so should you put toys out of reach for a baby to stretch for them, should you leave your 8 year old alone at home for 15 minutes, should you let your teenage daughter out looking like she charges by the hour and every other question that a parent asks as they try to get their child safely & successfully from birth to adulthood!

you sound like a great mum... but kids feelings are not equal to adults. Kids rely on you to help them organise, express and control their feelings.
Kids feelings certainly should be acknowledged and respected to some extent but I dont think they can be allowed to completely dictate all choices made regarding them. They dont have the level of understanding and insight that adults do and sometimes letting them make important choices or letting them feel they have a say in big decisions can actually be a frightening burden.... they need to feel safe and protected to some degree and like they can trust and rely on caregivers.

YANBU

Parents who think otherwise don't deserve to have children. They should give them up to those who know how to nurture and appreciate them.

and the input over moving can be a massive burden... I remember really vividly being consulted about moving around the age of 14 and I was positive about it.... We ended up moving when I was a year into GCSEs meaning there were some I had to start from scratch and do the exams for in only a year as that school did not do the exact same ones as I had been doing previously.... Now any parent could see that that is a terrible idea and puts massive amounts of stress on a child... but I was actually asked my opinion having had no experiences of it or even really understanding what was going to happen.... and as a result felt like I only had myself to blame for the resulting stress and depression.

Looking back I think WTF? Theres no way id let my child have a say in something like that because they arent actually responsible for big decisions like that.... the guilt I felt over that was false... my parents should have made the responsible decision for me, not just used my input as an excuse to do whatever they wanted and then get me to blame myself for the fallout.

Please dont involve young children in big life changing decisions. Look as the responsible adult at the pros and cons and then decide yourself what the best course of action is... yes ask them their feelings and get them to talk things through... but do not directly ask them 'what they want to do' as that is a massive massive burden on them if things go wrong.

Kids feelings being equal doesn't equate to them dictating thought.
Mine and DH have equally important feelings, we'd all agree on that. That doesn't mean I let him dictate though. So why would it mean I have to let the 3 yo?
Also his FEELINGS are equally important but his SAY isn't equal. Its the difference between "I understand why you feel like that but" and "tough, I'm the adult and I don't care how you feel"