To believe kids are equal to adults

[DragonMummy1418]

They deserve the same treatment.
Their feelings are just as important as adults.

My parents told me that our home was a dictatorship not a democracy growing up and made me feel that my thoughts and opinions were not important or valid.
If it's something they can have a say in safely then I let my dc help make choices.

I went food shopping with my mother (who I am LC with) and 3.5 yr old DS today and she was appalled that I was letting my DS have a say in what we bought.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting him fill the trolly with ice cream and sweets but when it comes to a choice of which meat or which vegetables etc then I'm happy to let him pick what he likes and I know he will eat.

My mother was horrified when I said that I value DS's feelings and thoughts on the same level as my DH or hers (probably more than hers, lol).

I genuinely prefer the company of my child to a lot of adults I know.

No,my daughter has never been in any doubt that I am the grown up and part ofyjob is to look after her.
This is not to ignore the importance of her feelings or to stifle her creativity.Now she is approaching 15 she has more freedom and independence and with that comes responsibility.
I didn't give her much choice as to what she ate when she was little and as a result eats most things.
Their feelings are important but you also need to teach them how to manage them and that their feelings are not more important than anyone elses..
And she went to bed at a set time,her choice was which parent took her up and read to her.Nowadays she persuaded.me to bed or I stay up too late on MN.

Hahaha set bedtimes are abusive now?!?! I really have heard everything now.

Children are not equal to adults. They can have an opinion but ultimately the decision lies with the adult. That's how it works in our house... otherwise my DS would have gone to pre school wearing just his underpants and the hamster would have gone with him this morning.

Bedtimes are abusive....might be the most ridiculous thing I've read in a long time. Almost as good as the time I heard someone describe a cot as a baby cage and cruel 🤣

You know the feral kids who scream, shouts, jumps on their noisy trampoline until stupid o'clock in the evenings some threads complain about? We found one of the parents!

@cal where are the example's of abusive parenting? All I see is responsible parenting ( apart from your posts)

A parent at a swimming lesson, limited seating to spectate, a toddler happily pottering around playing near the parent, but the parent refused to allow any one to sit in the empty chair beside them as it was for the toddler.

I'd have just parked my arse in it anyway

But that's manners not about equality. If it had been DH's seat but he'd have been pacing is have said sit down, he's not using it. He isn't lesser than you for that, I just have manners.

I think it's a spectrum. At one end, you've got children being 100% equal to adults and some of the silly situations mentioned here would arise (e.g. running in the road or letting a pet rabbit die etc)
At the other end, their feelings not being taken in to consideration ever, being treated as second class to mum and dad... being treated like an inconvenience etc

I would say most of us believe that they fall somewhere on that spectrum.

Of course you have to make decisions for your children and keep them safe. Getting them to sleep at a reasonable hour so they aren't tired constantly, feeding them healthy food is all part of being a parent! However, I also believe that a child's feelings should be taken as seriously as an adults on certain subjects - for example I wouldn't force a child to kiss or hug a relative if they didn't want to.

I think the situation the OP describes is a perfect example of this - sounds like you're encouraging your child to make decisions without harming them in the long run (by letting them have sweets for dinner etc!)

My children had choices when they had them to make; they could not choose to put a nail into an electric socket, but it was entirely up to them whether they kissed grandma or not.

My talk to my children, now all grown up was.

"I will always listen and value the opinion that you give me. I will always take into consideration what you want, and what you need. But, what you need to understand, is that I am your adult parent, so I have to take into consideration the needs of all of the family, not only you. My job is to make sure that everyone has a fair share of everything, which might not always mean the same as what you want."

Kids are equal when expressing their needs. They are not equal in making the decisions.

The op probably means well but they are absolutely not equal. I had a cousin brought up this way, it was very stressful when one of the parents had a great job offer overseas they were planning to take, and asked the 9yo what they thought. 9 yo was against moving os and while parents eventually decided we are going anyway it was quite difficult for them...

Children are equal to adults in terms of importance and worth. However they often do not have the maturity to make decisions that are best for them, and/or are appropriately balanced with what is best for other family members, so it is entirely reasonable for adults to guide (and when necessary, overrule) their decisions.

That's how it works in my house. Equal value but not necessarily an equal say.

Obviously there are things that are choices as things that are not. Going to school, keeping yourself clean, doing homework, brushing your teeth, doing your share of the chores, not choices.

Allowing your child to choose their clothes, pick red grapes or green grapes, apples or bananas, and which packet of biscuits should we have this week just shows them they're allowed an opinion.

When I was growing up we had no choice in anything. We never had enough clothes that they'd be clean at the same time for a choice, never asked what do you fancy for tea, never got to ask to watch anything on the tv, we watched what my mum wanted to, and she never changed the channel from STV.

It's a long weekend for us this weekend and we want to have a family day, so we've asked the teenagers if they have plans and figured out a day that works for all of us. Everyone is happy.

I know what you mean and you are right.

"But children can’t make informed choices and children don’t know what is best for them so no they are not equal to adults. "

If Adults knew what was best for them, then there would be no addictions, junk food, obesity and abusive relationships etc. Informed choices, yes that worked well for Brexit.

It's about age appropriateness. In some ways their needs trump the Adults and their mental health needs greater protection, so they are above their Carers. At times their happiness needs to be placed above that of their Parents.

They should have a voice and be listened to, their reasons for their opinion should be given equal consideration, that is what your Mum got very wrong.

If DH got drink and tried to wander into the road, refused to feed the rabbit or oy ever asked for ice cream he wouldn't get his own way either, but were still equal.

If he said I wasn't his equal but I was often emotional and irrational and made bad choices would that be ok?

I don’t think it’s even about having choices or a say in family business.

It’s about a child being able to have an opinion on something, and be taken seriously, listened to, and those opinions and feeling being accounted for.

So yes, a child must go to school. While you take the childs preference into account, and why, ultimately it is the parents decision. But you should be open that x school may have better sports provision, but we can’t drive you every day and the bus is unreliable. Not, like one of dc’s friends, just not name it on the form and tell the child they didn’t get in.

My child should also be able to come to me and say i don’t like y school, i am not happy, and for me to listen. I would hear them out, and help them decide if the issued were fixable, or we should look for a new school. Not just say oh but it’s a good school, it’s a phase, you’ll be fine.

My mum wanted me to go to uni. I took a year out and worked in the industry i wanted to work in. At the end of that year my mum was approached and asked if i would do a further year training abroad. She said no without even telling me about the offer until i was two years into my uni course. In a “oh yes, they wanted you to train in europe but i told them you were going to uni” almost dismissive way.

I would have lived abroad, learned a different language and culture doing something I loved. If uni had been the right path i could have returned a year later.

That is the difference- when a parent makes a sweeping decision on what they think they know is best.

Bedtimes are not ‘abusive’

People who are abusive are those who torment, torture and harm children, not those who think differently to you.

Are you one of these guys un schoolers and attachment parents op

My children are not equal do not have equal day and their view doesn’t carry equal weight yes even my teens

And if it did we would eat jelly and fish fingers every day live
In the park and we’re fancy dress all day every day

reallyanotherone I pretty sure I make a better choice on all matters compared to my 3 year old who is currently trying to see if she can suck her left big toe

If DH got drink and tried to wander into the road, refused to feed the rabbit or oy ever asked for ice cream he wouldn't get his own way either, but were still equal.

your relationship with your DH sounds a bit confusing - how can you stop him eating ice cream? - but the difference is that you aren’t responsible for him.

reallyanotheroneoh and it’s people stupid adults allowing children to make their own choices that led directly to those poor girls abuse we were told well they wanted to meet up with the guys we have to allow choice and them to have their say

So have

Some posters are equating giving children choices to letting them run on the road or eat sweets all the time- that's not what it's about.

What it is about is letting them choose what TV programme to watch one night just as me or DH would, letting them choose where to go on a day out, or what food to eat with reason. If they like pork but not salmon, for example, why would I disregard their preferences? That is abusive.

I agree with you OP I think they’re equal. I think people are just using the term equal to mean different things.

I don’t see how being an equal means letting your child do whatever they want. Lots of adults probably know better than me about certain things but that doesn’t mean I’m not equal to them and vice versa.

Yes agree with OP.

What it is about is letting them choose what TV programme to watch one night just as me or DH would,

and when your child chooses game of thrones as so often children want to watch things that are far beyond their years you say

We all know those parents who think their hip the unschooler types

And especially pre teen children need guidance haveing been a foster carer seen what happens when children have no boundaries or parents treat them as equals in every way

Allowing to choose what to watch when to go to bed yadda yadda children feel lost with out form bondries

CAL

Giving your child pork instead of salmon is not ‘abusive’