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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 23/05/2018 13:09

Best wrong thread post ever 🎉🍾

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 13:56

Well it seems he has gone but I’m not quite at the Pom Pom celebration stage just yet!!

OP posts:
Vickster99 · 23/05/2018 14:11

As someone who has done a fair bit of OLD I'm sorry to say my gut has always been correct and if you think they will dissappear they probably will.
I just know when they are about to back off, despite it seeming totally irrational to those used to dating back in the good old "normal world".

Don't take it personally, a lot of guys on OLD are flakey arseholes. Much more than in real life. Also, I dont know how old you are but from talking with younger friends it seems that this is particularly bad when you're a bit older (30s or 40s, say). If I were you I would make sure that's definitely what he is doing, e.g. by messaging and asking questions he cant avoid. Then move on tho next one. His loss, not yours

MamaBear2181 · 23/05/2018 14:20

I've been following this thread and while i fell for you OP, The wrong thread post and this

Well it seems he has gone but I’m not quite at the Pom Pom celebration stage just yet!!

has had me in hysterics! I hope you feel ok Flowers

StarlaPriest · 23/05/2018 14:20

feel for you that should say!

Popc0rn · 23/05/2018 14:21

I thought he text you last night? Confused

Or was it literally "sorry been busy" and no further attempt at conversation? That's probably ruder than just ghosting completely!

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 15:07

Yes it was pretty much a “I was really busy today” text. And that was it.

I know I should move onwards and upwards but this has really rattled me. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and this is my first reintroduction back into the world of dating. I thought I was ready, but I’m really not so sure. At least being single means I don’t have to deal with this!

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 15:08

I've been following this thread and while i fell for you OP

Don’t get my hopes up mamabear, that’s why I’m in this mess in the first place Wink

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 15:12

There are a lot of future fakers out there. I had it done to me a few years ago. It's even harder for me to get my head around because I'm autistic and can't understand why people say things they don't mean.

In my case the guy disappeared for a couple of weeks. Then for months afterwards he was trying to get me to meet up with him telling me how sorry he was. I told him 'you messed me around and missed your chance, goodbye'

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/05/2018 15:22

Really like the way you have responded to this thread with such good humour op - you sound great!

I’ve sent a couple of responses to being ghosted in the past - I’d say don’t bother. You feel good for about a minute and then you wish you had just ignored them back as you can’t shame people with no shame!

DragonMummy1418 · 23/05/2018 15:22

Confused maybe he just had a really busy day at work? My DH gets in trouble if the big boss is walking around for using his phone so some days he doesn't use it. 🤷‍♀️

If your not into game playing then just text him and ask him if he wants to go out again. You'll know where you stand and you can stop fretting.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/05/2018 15:26

Don't reply to that text.

we had discussed possible plans for over the summer etc so it didn’t seem like he was just going to shag and run.

I hate to sound cynical, but future-talk is SOP for guys. It's designed to make you think they're not just after a one-off bunk up.

You'd do well not to believe a word that comes out of a man's mouth on the first 3 dates. Not in a bitter way, just to give his actions a chance to catch up with his mouth.

I met a total player online. He texted me every day, took me out on lovely dates, introduced me to his family. I made him wait 2 months for sex. But as soon as we'd done it, he literally vanished! 🤣👋🏻

I should've known he wasn't genuine, though, as he cancelled a couple of dates. That's reliably a pretty bad sign, I've found.

Vickster99 · 23/05/2018 15:54

Bit of a tangent here but why exactly do guys disappear after the first shag?
Surely its easier to keep going back to the same woman for sex, if that's what you are after? Especially if said woman has not given any indications they are looking for serious relationships only.

Maybe they are so full of themselves that they automatically think every woman who shags them will automatically want marriage

YetAnotherUser · 23/05/2018 16:24

Vickster99 It's a phenomenon I don't properly understand, and I'm a man.

I've experienced it sometimes, and the best way I can describe it is that there's a post coital moment of clarity where a large number of flaws/issues/incompatibilities, which previously laid unnoticed or seemed very minor, suddly are revealed in a blinding flash of light and cannot be unseen.

Other times, people are just dicks and want a shag.

Sametimetomorrow · 23/05/2018 16:27

Good question vickster and I have wondered that myself. Why turn down what could be sex on tap?

The only explanation I have is the one yetanotheruser has put forward although he puts it better than I could.

CantankerousCamel · 23/05/2018 16:31

Did you reply, OP?

WittyJack · 23/05/2018 16:41

Don't let this put you off, OP. You have to sift through an awful lot of diarrhoea to find the one or two solid lumps when it comes to dating!💩

If his texts have changed in frequency and tone, your instinct is 99.9% likely to be right. Just chalk him up to being a tosser, remember it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Don't text or call or email. Then if he does get in touch, you can decide whether to bother replying.

And remember this - if he doesn't care, nothing you say or do will make him care. And you won't get a straight response. So silence is always best. You could be the lovechild of Shakespeare and Hilary Mantel - you still wouldn't be as eloquent as silence.

HmmGrey · 23/05/2018 16:48

I would have replied back saying something like ‘ok cool’ and left the ball in his court. If he was genuinely busy and is still interested, he’ll message again. If not, move on and don’t look back 😊

Blobby10 · 23/05/2018 16:50

Dont let this put you off OLD please! I dipped my toe into the mire in March 2017, 1 really awful date, 2 with the same man -lots of fun, lots of energy but didn't get my sense of humour - and I've been seeing my 3rd date since April 2017 and love him to bits.. Blush. So there are nice guys out there

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 17:31

I did reply (definitely don’t want to be accused of ghosting myself!) - a breezy hi, hope you have a good day, I’ve been doing x, y, z text. He’s read it. No reply.

I can’t be doing with this!

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 17:41

Gosh yetanothetuser - I love your explanation! Especially the “cannot be unseen” bit 😂

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 17:52

....and OP - what wittyjack said

Mousefunky · 23/05/2018 17:55

I think guys ditch after sex to avoid any attachment brewing. Either they have commitment issues themselves or they simply don’t want anything serious. It’s between that and just not really liking the woman that much and it being a drunken mistake, most of us have been there Blush.

I would just ditch him tbh. You had your night of fun now onto the next. OLD isn’t all bad, I’m currently expecting a tinder baby with my DP of over two years Grin.

LionAllMessy · 23/05/2018 18:49

A lot of people just like having sex with someone for the first time. It's the attraction of something totally new.

And a lot of people enjoy the chase, the excitement of the build up to that moment. After that, it's all more familiar, so they just cut and run.

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 18:49

He'll be back asking you to see him again. By then you will have moved on OP!