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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:

LilyMarie · 23/05/2018 10:38

Maybe he just didn't feel you were sexually compatible. If he enjoyed the sex and wanted to continue with you then it wouldn't take him the whole day to send a quick reply.
I've ghosted after crap sex before when online dating. Just block the guy and try to find someone you are sexually compatible with.

Oysterbabe · 23/05/2018 10:48

If he's suddenly contacting you much less than he used to then I'm pretty certain it's going nowhere. I remember this happening a few times in my dating days. Sometimes my gut would tell me they were backing off and it was always right, despite them insisting they'd been busy.

Original poster

ghosting · 23/05/2018 10:52

Sometimes my gut would tell me they were backing off and it was always right, despite them insisting they'd been busy

Yes, this. It feels different. Maybe that’s just me reading into it too much, but my gut instinct is that he is backing off. Which is obviously fine, I just wish he would let me know!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ghosting · 23/05/2018 10:55

I’m really not into game playing. And I agree with those who have discussed boundaries. I’ve had big problems with boundaries in the past and I’m trying really hard to work on assertiveness. I feel he holds all the power at the moment and I am expected to just wait and see what he does next.

Ideally I’d like to text him and ask him what’s going on. And I realise that might completely put him off. But if it does he wasn’t worth being with anyway. And if it doesn’t, then I can stop thinking about it! And if he isn’t interested, at least I’ll know.

OP posts:

WelcomeToGilead · 23/05/2018 10:56

I wouldn’t bother to reply.

anothernamechanged · 23/05/2018 11:03

Just hold off for now. Anything you want to say can be said later - whether that's a "no worries" text or something a bit more. Give yourself a bit of time to think about it. Don't see it as game playing. Just take some time.

Mamapsychstudent · 23/05/2018 11:03

Sometimes I take ages to reply because I'm crafting the perfect message???

HushabyeMountainGoat · 23/05/2018 11:12

I met my husband on OLD having been ghosted several times. I knew he was going to be a serious relationship really early on specifically because there wasn't any game playing and text angst. We didn't text constantly, and once we had had out first date, we met up often. So we were never in doubt that the other was interested and if one of us were a bit quite on whatsapp, it didn't raise any flags.

It really did prove that annoying 'when you know, you know' line that had haunted my singledom!

Original poster

ghosting · 23/05/2018 11:20

Hushabye I did honestly think we had something that could have worked. Which is why I now feel really stupid and that either I misread into something that wasn’t the case (and was perhaps what I wanted it to be rather than what it was), or he was just a player all along and I fell for it. Either way I feel an idiot.

OP posts:

brilliotic · 23/05/2018 11:20

So you met twice for coffee and then had sex.

Then you texted to say 'thank you'.

I appreciate that what you meant was along the lines of 'I enjoyed last night, hope you did too, let's continue being in touch and see where this takes us'.

What he understood was probably very different. The thank you probably meant two things to him: a) I am so good that women thank me and beg for more, and b) She is desperate for sex/any kind of intimacy/approval.
That means you are no longer desirable. Having sex with you no longer feeds his 'conquest' need, as you basically told him you'd have sex with anyone who'd deign to have sex with you. At the same time he is reaffirmed in his sense that he can get whatever he wants (and be doing the women a service whilst at it), so why settle with sad, desperate you?

Don't say thank you for sex. Sex is something you do together to share enjoyment of each other. Thank you is for someone who has gone out of their way to (unselfishly) do something good for you.

Original poster

ghosting · 23/05/2018 11:25

brilliotic I clearly have a lot to learn!

OP posts:

HushabyeMountainGoat · 23/05/2018 11:30

@ghosting the same thing happened to me with one of the first men i met OLD. He even explicitly told me that he was 'falling for me'. I really liked him and so was obviously chuffed.

Then... just nothing. He was busy etc. I was absolutely gutted and i must confess was not as dignified as i would like. Kept trying to send 'breezy' texts and 'accidentally' pocket dialling him. Oh, the cringe.

I did learn from it though. It kind of took for me to meet someone who was perfectly nice, but i just didn't spark with to see it from the other side and realise that it's not always personal or that i've done something 'wrong'.

So don't be like me. Get chatting to someone else, or my rule was always to be chatting to more than 1 person, so as not to get too emotionally involved with any particular one until i was confident there was mutual attraction.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 23/05/2018 11:32

I think you should wait till the end of the day, then I think you should text and ask him what's up and call him out on it. You've nothing to be embarrassed about.
Too many men think this kind of behaviour is acceptable and think you'll just go quietly, well I would have to embarrass him and put him on the spot. Then block and delete.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 23/05/2018 11:35

Why are you reading so much into it. He sent you a text. Stop playing games and reply. If he wants to meet up again he'll ask although if you are like this after 2 dates god knows what you'll be like after 4 or 5

FizzingWhizzbee · 23/05/2018 11:35

I've been following silently, because I generally don't post on AIBU, but really wanted to offer a bit of support, because I've been there. OLD can be a bitch, it really can.

I remember one particular guy I went on several dates with (probably 6 or 7 proper full on dates) before I stayed at his. He put in a LOT of work to make it feel like it was going somewhere, and he was a ridiculously high volume texter, very full on. But from the following morning after I left, I heard practically nothing. When I did, it was short and infrequent. In the end it, I just let it go, but it still rankles, because I didn't understand why he went to so much effort beforehand - I wasn't exactly playing hard to get! It wasn't just that it was deceptive, it was that it was needlessly so, that was what was hurtful.

And as PP said - I don't know how, but you can always tell the difference between 'genuinely busy', and 'just can't be bothered'. I always knew, and I was always right.

I'm really sorry, OP - it's really shit.

yasmin0147 · 23/05/2018 11:37

A week, youve been ghosted, 4 hours hes probs working lol

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/05/2018 11:59

Don't call him out, OP. He has done nothing wrong as such. He delayed texting you back (for whatever reason)...that's his only crime. To call him out on this, makes you seem desperate!!
Trust your instincts that he is backing off and take a leaf from his book. Back off too and continue OLD.

NClikecrazy · 23/05/2018 12:00

brilliotic's synopsis is depressing, but I suspect spot on. I hate the mentality of men sometimes.

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/05/2018 12:03

Always go with your gut. Its awful waiting for that call the day after dtd. I don't see the point in game playing. Fair enough he could have been genuinely busy, I'm not great at replying to texts (or just lazy!) but thats usually with people I know well who won't mind. Actually, if he was really into you and desperate to see you again, he wouldn't have text saying 'sorry, was busy', he would have called you and wanted a proper conversation. Thats been my experience of boyfriend/my now dh, is that they want to speak to you and hear your voice, make arrangements for seeing you next. Move on, you're worth a whole lot more than waiting on a poxy text.

crispysausagerolls · 23/05/2018 12:07

Too many men think this kind of behaviour is acceptable and think you'll just go quietly, well I would have to embarrass him and put him on the spot. Then block and delete.

No. "Calling him out" won't embarrass him at all! Any contact from you now will just validate his ego and make him feel even more smug. Do not give him the chance to show messages of yours to his friends and laugh about how into him you are! Men can be really, really awful - the times male friends or relatives of mine have behaved this way, it's really appalling. Basically, you gave it up to early and he has lost interest. It's a horrible thing to say but a lot of men think that way and a lot of women have learnt about this the hard way. I am sorry for you because we have all been in these shitty situations and they are deeply unpleasant. If you don't message for a few days there is a chance he will get in touch, but it's most likely he will expect sex from now onwards and nothing more, which doesn't sound like what you are interested in. You don't want to be with such a childish idiot anyway though, so this was a lucky escape and, as you said, you got to have (hopefully good) sex after a dry spell, so not a total loss. Onwards and upwards.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 23/05/2018 12:13

Calling him out on it will just give him evidence to tell himself that you are a crazy stalker and he has had a lucky escape (as per my escapades!). I do think dignity is the way forward.

LionAllMessy · 23/05/2018 12:31

I have to admit I would find it kind of hard to reply to a "thanks for last night" message. Like, what do you say to that? "You're welcome"?

You seem to like him OP so I agree with replying "no problem" about him being busy and leaving the ball in his court.

HasPegOnNose · 23/05/2018 12:56

He's gone! 🎉🎊🍾

Florene · 23/05/2018 12:58

Wrong thread??

LionAllMessy · 23/05/2018 13:04

The perfect wrong-thread post, though

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