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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 23/05/2018 18:55

You just have to sit on your hands I’m afraid. If he is into you he will pursue you and I am sorry to say that “too busy to text” is bollocks unless he is a surgeon or airline pilot....

Have a read of “he’s just not that into you”. It’s a really helpful book.

Gemini69 · 23/05/2018 18:58

block lovely.. block... Flowers

ISpeakJive · 23/05/2018 19:06

I can’t be doing with this

Then don’t. I would just walk.

CantankerousCamel · 23/05/2018 19:27

I would be seriously questioning whether you want to go further with a guy who can be so cold after being intimate... huge red flag

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/05/2018 19:31

Yeah trim
Red flag behaviour and to coin the oft used phrase ‘he is just not that into you’

I feel your pain and have had your pain

Anyway nice would NOT do this after a leg over . After being intimate . He might have others on the go and now he got what he wanted the chase is over

It’s so shit after an abusive relationship and see it as a salutatory lessons about OLD Flowers

wheezing · 23/05/2018 19:39

When doing OLD years a go I kind of ghosted someone after sex too.
My explanation is that having the odd coffee or glass of wine I felt wasn’t a big deal and I basically wasn’t sure if I fancied the guy or not or whether I could overlook the things I didn’t like about him or not. Since I was undecided it didn’t seem a big deal to go on a second date or a third (ie I didn’t have a good reason to say no) and then we did have sex and the next morning it was just clear that actually I didn’t want to end up in a relationship with the guy, I didn’t want to be sleeping with him regularly and waking il in his house and everything all that entailed. It was something I really, really, really didn’t want. So I just left it.

Not particularly proud but I doubt he was gutted.

Liberation1 · 23/05/2018 19:45

Unfortunately I think any guy who was really interested would be texting you and reassuring you the day after sex because would care about your feelings and know that you would worry (because we all worry about whether the other person enjoyed the sex for the first time because, well, we are human!)

I would take the upper hand and ignore any further texts. Stuff him!

Don't give up with online dating though. I met my decent dp on there, you just have to filter through the weirdos but decent guys are out there!

Treacletoots · 23/05/2018 20:14

Step away from your phone OP!

OLD is a nightmare. If you're going to survive it, please learn from every experience and put yourself first.

Take no nonsense. Not a single bit. No excuses. It's a numbers game. One slight sniff of bad behaviour and you block. No hesitation. You don't need to chase someone who is genuinely interested in you and... Genuinely interested in your wellbeing. Two different things.

Don't chase. Ever. It's basic psychology. Once you chase you're giving the power to the guy you're chasing. Sorry to be so old fashioned bit always leave him wanting more, and don't sleep with them until you've had at least 3 proper dates. Not chats. Bit coffee.

Good luck

BettyPitts · 23/05/2018 20:24

I'd delete his number now. Onwards and upwards

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 20:26

I once ended a relationship after having sex but I was honest and told him I didn't like the sex (he was too sentimental) I didn't text him bullshit about being 'busy'

CamelToeBalls · 23/05/2018 20:49

This also happened to me op when I wasn't even OLD.

A guy who claimed to be divorced & single started chatting to be on fb intensely for a few weeks then after we dtd he ghosted me.

Total change of behaviour, read my first message then the next one stayed unread. Prick.

9 months later... he pops up again wanting another shag. Confused

I'm obviously really bad so don't worry about it. Some men just like choice, like a pick n mix of women at their choosing when it suits. Hmm

Your guy was rude. Just move on and don't bother trying to make small talk with him, really, he's not worth it.

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 21:08

It's a good point to remember that quite a few people who claim to be single are not...

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 21:10

These men who like a pick and mix of women must be spending a lot of their time spinning bullshit to a lot of people. Because most women don't like to be played or used.

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 22:13

Thanks all for your advice. It’s a steep learning curve that’s for sure!

I think I need to figure out exactly what I want out of a relationship, because at the moment I think I’m settling for “anyone who is nicer than my ex”. And that’s not setting the bar quite high enough.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/05/2018 22:14

One slow reply is enough. Two is too many. You don't need any more of your time or emotions wasting. I'm sorry he's been such a let down. There are much better men out there. Keep looking.

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 22:16

It's true that at the very least you want someone who calls you after you were intimate to hear your voice.

Basta · 23/05/2018 22:17

This thread is not helping to mitigate my burgeoning misandry one bit...

Finding a decent man (especially on OLD) seems to be harder than locating the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Oysterbabe · 23/05/2018 22:22

There's still plenty of good ones out there. It's coming up to 5 years since I met my partner on match. We're married and have 2 kids.

Gertrudethecow · 23/05/2018 22:33

Don’t give up! I was going to cancel my last OLD date... I’d been on a few and had decided that I’d had enough and would rather meet someone in RL. Either said than done.
Anyway, to cut a long story short 4 years later, a wedding and 2 children later... I met my best friend that night.
We have lots of friends who have met and married/had kids via OLD (although we all have stories as to how we met for the non-OLDersWink)

This guy sounds like a prick. Definitely delete his number. Plenty more fish in the sea! Good luck... Just remember, it’s his loss!

crispysausagerolls · 23/05/2018 23:37

Oh OP I wish you hadn't replied!

Lollipop30 · 23/05/2018 23:41

Took me two weeks to reply to my husband as I forgot and thought I had! 😂 glad I finally remembered though 12yrs later we’re still going!

Sirrah · 24/05/2018 00:00

I know somebody who had been on three dates with a guy she met through OLD. They were in regular contact, and had agreed to meet again. The day of the scheduled meeting he contacted her in the morning, she confirmed that she could meet him, he sent a message about what he'd been doing while she was working. Then nothing! No more messages, and he'd blocked her on social media.

Sometimes people are just strange, and you're better off without them!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/05/2018 07:09

I think I need to figure out exactly what I want out of a relationship, because at the moment I think I’m settling for “anyone who is nicer than my ex”. And that’s not setting the bar quite high

Yes . I have always had low self esteem and this especially played out with men .

Write yourself a list , and get very clear Smile

Honestly you are not the first or the last so don’t take to heart . And please delete him . He no longer exists

Original poster
ghosting · 24/05/2018 07:27

Write yourself a list , and get very clear

What level of detail do you go to? To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where even to start.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/05/2018 07:31

If I were OLD it would be

Kind
Honest and open , wears heart on sleeve
Has healthy female relationships ( colleagues , friends and family )
Doesn’t HATE their exes
No anger issues
Generally happy with their job
Financially stable
Looks after them self . Not men’s health but respect their bodies and no addictions