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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
Caribou58 · 23/05/2018 08:44

I just want to thank Caribou58 for using the word "punctilious" in her post!

Why, thank you!

Caribou58 · 23/05/2018 08:50

There's no doubt that OLD has made it pitifully easy for those men just out for casual sex to get it.

Ghosting did happen in my day (I'm 60 next month) and I got ghosted by one or two seemingly very nice men - one of whom I'd known for quite some time and worked with, but who decided (after we slept together) that he didn't want to pursue the relationship and so acted appallingly. That was in 1978 and it still gives me a little tinge of pain if I let myself think about it.

Men are - in general - rubbish at the difficult relationship conversations, even of the 'it's not you, it's me' variety. They like to just run away.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 08:57

Yes, agree with you Caribou...I also enjoyed your ‘punctilious’ reference 👌

OP...to be honest he sounds like a huge cock - and it’s much better finding this out now rather than 6 months in, so personally I think you’ve had a very lucky escape. As someone else said upthread - if he ever does text you - I’d ask “sorry, who is this?” and then ignore.

Really, you don’t need the hassle Flowers

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 09:38

Well, an update.

He sent a text after I had gone to bed last night saying he had been really busy and hadn’t had a chance to text.

This is a total mind fuck. I haven’t yet replied.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 23/05/2018 09:40

I wouldn't bother tbh. If he's keen, he will follow that text up imo. It sucks though!!

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 09:41

I’m afraid I wouldn’t reply until/if he sends at least another 2/3 texts. Then I’d say “oh gosh sorry - been out to lunch/yoga/tennis/whatever”

But it’s your decision OP - hope it all works out how you’d like it to Smile

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 23/05/2018 09:42

I wouldn’t bother replying. It takes 10 seconds to reply to a text. No one is that busy.

Original poster
ghosting · 23/05/2018 09:49

But it’s your decision OP - hope it all works out how you’d like it to

That’s the thing. I know what I would like to happen - we see each other again and see what happens. And he seemed to want that too, we had discussed possible plans for over the summer etc so it didn’t seem like he was just going to shag and run. So going really quiet has thrown me.

OP posts:
ChocolateRaisin09 · 23/05/2018 09:52

Yeah I agree with waiting to see if he sends a follow up.
But I'm also impatient/too honest and would probably say "oh I thought you'd gone off me"
Buuuuut it's possible you're thinking about this waaaay more than he is. If he's been busy at work and thought he only saw you this morning it might not be as big a deal to him. Men are weird.

Elphame · 23/05/2018 09:54

Careful you aren't being "breadcrumbed" now

A4710Rider · 23/05/2018 10:01

But I'm also impatient/too honest and would probably say "oh I thought you'd gone off me

Don't say that.

Say Too busy to send a text?

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 10:01

He shouldn't have taken that long to respond. FWIW I thought it wouldn't be the last you heard of him.

The thing is if you act like it's ok for him to be flakey he'll carry on that way. Make him work.

rememberthetime · 23/05/2018 10:01

Now's the Time to stop playing games and tell him straight.

Just text him with your feelings about what you would like in the future and see if they align to his. Make it clear that if he's not interested in the same as you he should tell you ASAP and that there would be no hard feelings.

I truly don't understand why there is this "only text him if he texts you...and only after 3 texts" set of rules. It's all about game playing and no one has any idea what anyone actually wants. It's actually really childish.

You are an adult - just be upfront and stop wasting your own time.

butlerswharf · 23/05/2018 10:03

Don't reply back again. If he wants to see you again trust me he'll text you.

rememberthetime · 23/05/2018 10:04

Being clear now is setting your boundary for the future. You want him to be an honest and clear partner who will not take your feelings for granted. if you don't make this clear right from the start you are setting yourself up for failure.

Just be honest - nothing bad every came from that. If he's mature (and you want a mature partner, right?) he will respond truthfully and you can progress.

WittyJack · 23/05/2018 10:06

If he's keen, he'll text again. No problems.

If he doesn't text again, either he's playing games or he isn't that keen. Ain't nobody got time for that!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/05/2018 10:12

I'd probably text him later today with a " no worries " type thing and then wait and see if he gets back to you. It's a bit off that he didn't respond till so late in the day after always getting back to you quickly.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 10:13

....OP please don’t reply “ oh I thought you’d gone off me?” 😱

Neither would I launch into a full blown ‘what I’m looking for in the future’ text

Why don’t you just ignore him for a day or two? Don’t be tempted to answer him yet. It’ll give you time to think if he’s actually worth all this emotional energy - and also it’ll let you see if he’s truly keen to pursue this relationship. Oh and don’t read his messages - just play it cool for a couple of days. Off load onto us (pardon the pun) instead - see how he reacts

ChocolateRaisin09 · 23/05/2018 10:19

It has been a really short time, you saw him in the morning and he texted you that night, right? I don't think that's so bad if he has a job/life?
Obviously there COULD be other reasons but how will you know unless you get to know him.

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/05/2018 10:21

He's a player. Be glad you've spotted the signs so quickly. If you want a friends-with-benefits situation then keep in touch. Otherwise, I'd just ignore him. Although he'll probably then contact you because it's all a game to him and he wants to win. But then you can block him.
Players always have long-term plans with you eg spending summer together, etc. How else would they convince you in a short period of time that they're 'serious' about having a relationship rather than just looking for sex?

nannybeach · 23/05/2018 10:23

ghosting, you ask how to trust someone, well, get to know them BEFORE having sex with them!!! you hardly know them after a few coffes and one date.

mando12345 · 23/05/2018 10:24

What @greatduckcookery said, Perfect.

RLOU88 · 23/05/2018 10:26

he hasn’t really messaged anything to respond to so I would just wait and see if he messages again now. He will if he is keen.

Honeyroar · 23/05/2018 10:32

Yes I'd just send a "that's fine" text and see what he comes back with. He's just about at the limit of being acceptable, but needs to pick his game up if he's wanting to keep seeing you.

Apart from saying he's been busy what else did he say in his text?

bringincrazyback · 23/05/2018 10:37

Maybe he really was busy. I'd not text again until he does, though, you don't want to come off like you've given this too much thought IYKWIM. Give him something to work for, we all know what men get like if they sense a woman's keen. cynical laugh