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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 11:27

I am not projecting at all. Do you think the OP would really have posted this thread sounding anxious and talking about wanting a future if all she wanted was a casual arrangement? What has happened is that he has blown hot and cold and in response she has adjusted her expectations lower. He may shape up now, but sadly I doubt it.

It's ok to want a casual relationship. But I get sick of the pressure on women to settle for less than what they deserve.

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 11:32

What you are actually saying here is that you are prepared to lower your standards and expectations and take whatever he throws you. You deserve better

That’s an interesting way of looking at it. I will ponder on that.

Somewhere upthread I think I posted about what I wanted from OLD. Which wasn’t necessarily a relationship. I’ve been happily single and am probably somewhat ambivalent about whether I am in or looking for a relationship or not. I’m happy not being in one. So actually maybe it’s not that I am lowering my standards and expectations but more that I am figuring out what I am looking for. I’ve met a guy who I get on with, we have fun together, we have similar interests, and other than a couple of times where he has gone quiet and I’ve torally freaked out (which really is partly my stuff) he really has been a nice guy.

If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t. If it does, I’d be very happy.

I was with the same guy for 20 years. All this stuff is new to me.

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 11:41

Ok, well I honestly do hope it works out this time OP Thanks

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 11:43

OutOfTyme

I mean you may well be right. I’ve been known to settle for scraps before and it’s possible that’s being repeated here. I’m kind of hoping not, but thanks for bringing to my attention that that may be what is happening.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/06/2018 11:46

she has adjusted her expectations lower

No, she has just adjusted her expectations. It’s the idea that not wanting a ring on your finger right now is a “lower” expectation. I agree that women shouldn’t have to settle for less than they want, but it’s not fair to say that just because she’s a woman she should want more than a fun time with someone she likes.

I’ve met a guy who I get on with, we have fun together, we have similar interests, and other than a couple of times where he has gone quiet and I’ve torally freaked out (which really is partly my stuff) he really has been a nice guy.

This is awesome. This is something to be happy about. People spend years doing OLD trying to find this.

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 11:50

Thanks Iwasjustabouttosaythat

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 11:55

I didn't say that, the OP did. There are a multitude of reasons why people can blow hot and cold but it's almost always to do with them and not you.

It's perfectly reasonable to feel anxious (and is not needy) when the person you've been seeing who texts back in 10 minutes every time, then stops doing that right after you've had sex and doesn't reply until the next day.

Some men who start off badly do occasionally shape up but the older he is the less likely this is.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/06/2018 11:57

The OP has been consistently decent in this thread, taking on board other views and so in a more polite way than I ever good.

Hope it works out for you.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/06/2018 11:58

*on

RoseWhiteTips · 07/06/2018 11:58

*and so on

Grrrr

RoseWhiteTips · 07/06/2018 11:59

Right. Without the typos this time...

The OP has been consistently decent on this thread, taking on board other views and so on, in a more polite way than I ever could.

Hope it works out for you.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 07/06/2018 12:03

Ghosted? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, he could be in the middle of important meetings or a crisis at home.

If he gets back to you later, all well and good. If he continues to ignore you, rise above it and Dont text him again. Some men just like the attention of eleventy-million texts from women, it doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad texts, it just means they can say “oh look! Another needy text from this bird I met, she can’t get enough of me”

F he hasn’t replied by tomorrow, carry on with your OLD dating and put this one down to experience.

MrsElijahMikaelson · 07/06/2018 13:48

If you want to give him a second chance then thats your choice..but next time he does it, you be the one who does the ghosting!

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 15:51

If you want to give him a second chance then thats your choice..but next time he does it, you be the one who does the ghosting!

Absolutely!!

OP posts:
MaudlinMews · 07/06/2018 16:25

Good luck OP, I'm glad you had a nice time together and he's come back out of his man cave.

Honeyroar · 07/06/2018 22:38

To me it sounds like it's ticking along and he's not ghosting you. Some people text/call all the time, others don't. I wouldn't write him off personally.

princesstiasmum · 08/06/2018 09:01

Get rid of this waste of space, as i said in earlier post,you will end up a nervous wreck, stressing about if he will or wont contact you,
He is not worth it, he could be using you as someone to come to when he is at a loose end
I feel so much better now i have dumped mine,at least i am not thinking will he or wont he get in touch,
At the beginning they are very attentive, but when they know you are anxiously waiting for a text or call they dont have to make the effort
I hope i am wrong about your situation, but it mirrors mine exactly,
Always excuses, and they seem genuine at the time ,but thinking about it later there are flaws in what they have said
It doesnt take long to send a quick text, and he cant be too busy all the time
I feel so angry for you, but hope i am wrong

Original poster
ghosting · 08/06/2018 17:58

I think it’s a bit harsh calling him a waste of space.

I’ve been thinking and reading loads. It’s all learning at the end of the day. If this doesn’t work out, it gives me more understanding for next time.

OP posts:
princesstiasmum · 08/06/2018 22:42

Sorry,yes it was a bit harsh, apologies, but blowing hot and cold is very stressful for you, as i know ,but hopefully it will turn out better for you than me,
All was lovely for the first 2-3 months but gradually it became longer and longer between texts and contact, always no credit,or no spare time,how long does it take to send a text?
I have given up, i cant stand the stress of wondering and waiting,and it was affecting my health in the end, so not worth it for me, although i do still miss him, it was good when we did get together, but still not worth the feeling more and more unhappy in between times
I feel so much better as i know where i stand now,and accepted it wasnt going anywhere

Lundi · 08/06/2018 23:28

Are you still seeing him tomorrow!

Original poster
ghosting · 09/06/2018 08:36

princess yes I think if this guy behaves like that then I’d bin him off too. It’s way too stressful not knowing where you stand and when the negatives outweigh the positives there really is no point.

Yes we meeting up later this morning and spending the day together :)

OP posts:
princesstiasmum · 09/06/2018 09:39

I hope all goes well today, and makes a decision what to do easie for you, its worth giving it a bit more time i expect, will be following

Original poster
ghosting · 10/06/2018 12:07

We had a really, really day together yesterday. I’m definitely going to see how things go...

OP posts:
Pebbles789 · 10/06/2018 14:01

Do you mean you had a great day OP or an 'ok' kind of day with him?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/06/2018 15:14

OP no offence but you sound fucking desperate.
He is not interested in a long term relationship with you or you wouldn't be having these doubts!
It seems you're clinging on to all the positives and not seeing this for what it really is. If you want a casual sexual relationship then by all means go ahead but if you want something meaningful, you've shot yourself in the foot.
You continue to shag him after he has treated you the way he has and you think that's the way to keep him wanting more???

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