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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 07:40

It was really lovely thanks. He took me out for dinner (which he insisted on paying for) and then I stayed over at his. We have plans to meet up again on Saturday.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 07/06/2018 08:29

I know it's totally up to you but I wouldn't be staying over at his ( assuming you had sex) after he's been playing it cool.
He's got you right where he wants you.

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 09:02

I know it's totally up to you but I wouldn't be staying over at his ( assuming you had sex) after he's been playing it cool

Why?

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 09:10

Because by having sex with him you're giving him more power as you are investing in him. It's better to be cautious when he has been blowing hot and cold.

OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 09:11

Hopefully now he will start behaving well. Just protect your heart.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 09:27

OutofTyme isn't that a bit sexist? What do you mean by that? If she's giving him more power by 'investing in him' then doesn't that automatically mean that he is giving her power as he is investing in her?

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 09:29

Glad it went well. Hopefully you were just overthinking things. He sounds nice and him not being on his phone all the time is actually refreshing these days!

OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 09:41

Of course not Salem because we live in a world where today, even in 2018 the power balance is in men's favour. That's just a fact.

And he is the one who has been blowing hot and cold, not the OP.

OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 09:42

Why is it 'refreshing' not to have someone call you? I think it's refreshing when someone shows that they want to hear your voice. It's refreshing when people don't rely on texting all the time. And I say that as an autistic person!

msmsms · 07/06/2018 09:44

If you're anxious - it helps to have a plan... for example just remind yourself that if things don't work out with this guy then you can focus on something else you've been wanting to do.

MrsElijahMikaelson · 07/06/2018 09:47

He's not interested, he stopped being interested within moments of sleeping with you. As I said earlier in the thread under my old name, he just doesn't want to be the man who dumps women as soon as he sleeps with them. By keeping up low level contact, he doesn't have to be that man and his idea of himself as A Decent Guy remain intact plus he might be at a loose end sometime and he doesn't want to totally burn that bridge. OP please just take control and block him everywhere, it's not you, it's him, 100%.

^^This a MILLION percent!

He has no respect for you. You don't sleep with someone then read their messages and dont respond. It takes 2 seconds to send a message.

He's not interested and is keeping you on a leash until a better offer comes along.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 09:52

outofthyme this thread was started because he hadn't replied to a text.

It's refreshing when people don't rely on texting all the time

That's what I meant. We are surrounded by people who spend their time staring at a phone instead of actually engaging with the people around them. I was just saying it was refreshing that he is able to put his phone down and forget about it.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/06/2018 09:52

Because by having sex with him you're giving him more power as you are investing in him.

Jesus, seriously? What if she just wants to have sex with him? Or aren’t women allowed to just want to have a relaxed sexual relationship? Should she be busy trying to confuse and trap him using her inbuilt feminine wiles which obviously means withholding sex from the desperate, helpless and stupid male?

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 10:04

Every situation is an opportunity for learning.

After the first time he went quiet, I have probably stepped back a bit myself as I probably was way over invested. I get carried away with the ideas of other people and found myself getting swept away by his talk of a future together and holidays and stuff, when actually the reality is we barely know each other.

I’m not going to play games and stop texting or only text him a certain time after he texts me etc. I will be myself. And I am also learning not to look too far into the future. We are living here and now, after all. The future is just a dream. I am enjoying seeing him. I’m not giving him power or what he wants by having sex with him. That’s also what I want! If that’s all it ends up being, then that’s all it ends up being. If it ends up being more, then that’s great. But if I can get a grip on my anxiety, which is fuelling a lot of this angst and I can recognise that, then actually we can enjoy each other’s company without me worrying every 5 minutes why he hasn’t replied to my texts.

OP posts:
WelcomeToGilead · 07/06/2018 10:11

Because op, you’re the one who’s fretting not him!

He’ll go all quiet again now, seriously just watch

OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 10:12

Iwasjustabouttosaythat it is patently clear that the OP wants a relationship with this man. She doesn't want to be his fuck buddy.

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 10:16

He’ll go all quiet again now, seriously just watch

Well we are already doing better than last time as it’s only been 2 hours since I left his house and he has already sent me a text about Saturday...

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 10:19

Iwasjustabouttosaythat it is patently clear that the OP wants a relationship with this man. She doesn't want to be his fuck buddy

That’s not necessarily true. I would like to have a relationship with someone where we both have a mutual respect for each other and are both going int he same direction with similar life goals. That may or may not be this guy. I don’t think you can tell that from a few dates.

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 07/06/2018 10:32

Glad you are feeling better and it is good that ye have been in contact already as the last time brought your nerves at you. I hope ye enjoy lots more easy going dates.

SouthernComforts · 07/06/2018 10:36

Am I settling for something that isn’t quite right because the promise of a future with someone is more appealing than a future of being single.

This really resonated with me op Flowers

No advice as I'm a relationship disaster zone Grin

princesstiasmum · 07/06/2018 10:50

I could have written this, dont be a doormat op,and there everytime he decides he wants sex
He is also future faking by the sounds of it,i have been through all his,
Promises or hints at what could happen in the future, but never does, there is always a reason or excuse when it comes to it
Just dont get too involved,it will wreck your nerves, forever wondering if hes going to turn up etc
I have just dumped mine because i couldnt stand the stress,
No man is worth this kind of treatment

OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 10:58

I think you should give him one more chance to behave as he should and if he slips up again leave it.

I think you should be honest with yourself that you don't want him as a FB because if you did, you wouldn't have posted this thread. And I imagine you would not want him to be sleeping with other people? It is ok to want a relationship where the other person wants only you, you know.

Original poster
ghosting · 07/06/2018 11:04

I think you should give him one more chance to behave as he should and if he slips up again leave it

Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. He has been in contact today after last night and it may be that the first time really was either just a horrible coincidence, or that he might have got freaked out too. He is quite an anxious person too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had got worried that it was moving too fast too soon. Or course I might be projecting all my stuff into him and he might just be a total future faking knob, but I will give him a chance to see what actually happens.

Yes when I wrote the OP I didn’t have in mind being his FB. But since then I am working out stuff in my head that it might not all work out exactly how he promised it to, and therefore I need to step back myself and not get caught up in something that may never materialise. If we have a nice time now, and he behaves well, who knows what might happen in the future. If he is a future faker and I can’t trust him, there is no future anyway

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 07/06/2018 11:08

'Yes when I wrote the OP I didn’t have in mind being his FB. But since then I am working out stuff in my head that it might not all work out exactly how he promised it to, and therefore I need to step back myself and not get caught up in something that may never materialise.'

What you are actually saying here is that you are prepared to lower your standards and expectations and take whatever he throws you. You deserve better.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/06/2018 11:09

you don't want him as a FB

There’s a long way between FB and relaxed sexual relationship. Stop projecting. This is not about you and any failed relationships you may have had. OP has stated many times that she wants to take it easy and see how it goes but she’s feeling anxious, and that is fine. You telling her how she feels even when she has explicitly stated the opposite is not fine. You need to take a step back, as do several other people on this thread who are already telling her how badly it’s all going to go. You don’t know these people. It may go badly or it may go really well. Stop trying to take all the pleasure of a new relationship away. She’s feeling confident about it which should tell you all you need to know right now.