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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 05/06/2018 07:53

I have been happily single for about 9 months. My feelings about a relationship were that if I found someone I wanted to spend some time with, that was great, but I was happy single and being in a relationship wasn’t that important. I wasn’t looking very hard, iykwim.

But now I’m wondering if actually I am more needy than I thought I was. Am I settling for something that isn’t quite right because the promise of a future with someone is more appealing than a future of being single. (My Mum has been single for 30 years and I am mindful that I don’t want the same for myself). I think I want it to work because the idea of a future with him appeals. The reality doesn’t match the dream though. And as it’s such early days, if it’s not right now it isn’t suddenly magically going to be right in the future.

However, I can also recognise that I am an unboundaried, anxious person. And if I set boundaries now and see how he responds, I haven’t lost a lot.

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 05/06/2018 09:05

ghosting did you read the excellent 'reclaim' article? I think you should focus on the part which says that when someone is not treating us very well, we start to second guess ourselves rather than accept that they may not be the person we hoped. We start to think that maybe we're needy etc instead of trusting what we know to be true.

What comes across from your posts is that you don't have good enough self esteem to realise that you can do better than this. And believe me, I've been there so I'm not judging.

Setting boundaries would be getting rid of him and setting your bar higher. And ditching those who fall below what you deserve. A
Anything else will give him the message that you will hang around and accept his poor flakey behaviour. Do you really want to be with someone who might be seeing multiple others?

BougieQueen · 05/06/2018 09:45

@OutofTyme you sum it up exactly. He should still be scared of disappointed OP at this early stage. What would a long term relationship with this dude be like? Better to be single tbh and try to look for someone with good qualities. Instead of dwelling on this guy use the same energy to look at dating new people, opening up your options and increasing the chance of finding Mr Right. It really is a numbers game...I dated about 1 guy each month for around 9 months getting rid of each whenever the f'ed up until I finally met my hubby. Now that is a very short time if you think about it. I have now been with said hubby nearly 4 years.

My rules were I didn't kiss or sleep with anyone until I was sure of their motives/feelings for me. Also men that get full on with texts etc so fast usually means a red-flag. They are trying to love-bomb because they can tell a woman with low self-esteem. If he really was into you he would text only to arrange the next time you guys will talk on the phone or go out. He will be trying to secure a place in your life. Don't fall for the okie-doke next time hun,x

HollyGibney · 05/06/2018 10:02

He's not interested, he stopped being interested within moments of sleeping with you. As I said earlier in the thread under my old name, he just doesn't want to be the man who dumps women as soon as he sleeps with them. By keeping up low level contact, he doesn't have to be that man and his idea of himself as A Decent Guy remain intact plus he might be at a loose end sometime and he doesn't want to totally burn that bridge. OP please just take control and block him everywhere, it's not you, it's him, 100%.

OutofTyme · 05/06/2018 10:07

Also you need to bear in mind that people like him are probably the same with every woman and you're not going to be able to fix him.

Original poster
ghosting · 05/06/2018 11:01

ghosting did you read the excellent 'reclaim' article?

Yes I have just read that. Thanks for sharing it. I really like the baggage reclaim site, I hadn’t seen that article before. It was a really useful read and “Healthy connections regulate you, and unhealthy ones destabilise you“ is brilliant and SO true.

Food for thought.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 05/06/2018 11:05

OutofTyme - very eloquently put.

I can also highly recommend the ‘reclaim’ article too OP

takeoffthemask · 05/06/2018 11:08

Ah this takes me back! I used OLD a lot, the previous poster way way back has it right, two coffees and sex, this was always my goal.

I'm sure it sounds cold, but I would message and meet all the time, with my goal always being getting sex, not finding love. If someone was too much effort ie lots of dates etc then you spin up some of the others that you have and try your luck there.

Its the nature of a lot of online dating, it opens up a huge pool of people to everyone, remember not everyone is looking for their next relationship.

IIIustriousIyIIlogical · 05/06/2018 11:17

If you'd have texted me this weekend you'd have been lucky to get a reply - I was out & about walking in the hills & then flaked out in bed afterwards.

I think your expectations may be a little unrealistic if you're expecting him to drop everything & reply to you straight away all the time - sometimes life gets in the way.

Anyway, once you've "had it out with him" it'll either be clear or he'll run for the hills.....

OutofTyme · 05/06/2018 13:41

'Its the nature of a lot of online dating, it opens up a huge pool of people to everyone, remember not everyone is looking for their next relationship.'

If someone is not looking for a relationship then they should be honest about it. It really annoys me when I see people constantly justifying shitty behaviour because 'that's just how it is nowadays'

If you dupe someone to get sex then you're a liar and you're being dishonest whether you met online or not.

SalemBlackCat · 05/06/2018 14:44

I think the OP is being unreasonable. You're in a long distance part-time relationship. You either need to accept that that is what it is and that's it, or ask him for a further commitment.

FrenchJunebug · 05/06/2018 15:22

I am with SalemBlackCat on the situation. Seriously you are too intense. You've met once!

Original poster
ghosting · 05/06/2018 15:23

Believe it or not, we actually live less than a mile away from each other! We are both just ridiculously busy. And I’m not sure how much commitment I would ask for/want after a month...

OP posts:
MaudlinMews · 05/06/2018 15:52

You live less than a mile away from each other but you've not seen each other for 2 weeks? It hardly screams 'dead keen' does it?

OutofTyme · 05/06/2018 15:54

If you live less than a mile apart then the fact you haven't met for ages is telling you all you need to know.

I have dated people who claimed they were 'busy' who I never saw or heard from and also people who I knew were busy but who wanted to see me so much that they made a big effort to meet me in the local coffee shop on the way home from work for 30 minutes, or phoned me to arrange a quick impromptu date for an hour.

Original poster
ghosting · 05/06/2018 18:51

We are finally meeting up again tomorrow. I was away for a weekend and he was working away all last week so it does make it somewhat hard to meet up if we aren’t in the same area of the country!

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 05/06/2018 20:29

Ghosting I think you will be back by the weekend saying he's ignoring you again. I hope I'm wrong.

HollyGibney · 05/06/2018 20:42

I agree.

Original poster
ghosting · 06/06/2018 13:54

I hope you are wrong too!

OP posts:
WittyJack · 06/06/2018 14:22

That baggage reclaim website is excellent. Not that it's rocket science, but it's stuff that sometimes we need to have spelled out to us!

Good luck with the date, OP.

LagunaBubbles · 06/06/2018 14:30

Hope it goes ok

Nikephorus · 06/06/2018 17:14

He does call occasionally, although he has told me he doesn’t like talking on the phone and now you have made me wonder if that’s just a convenient excuse.
I hate talking on the phone. And going no more than 12 hours without replying... sometimes you just don't feel like making the effort of a text conversation. I know it's quick & all but occasionally it's too much. I think you're overthinking it. If he was the sort to take hours usually you'd not be thinking twice about it so if sometimes he takes his time it's no biggie.
And ignore the he's married / shagging other women brigade - they get off on other people's misery Hmm

Original poster
ghosting · 06/06/2018 18:15

He’s confirmed tonight, so far so good!

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 06/06/2018 18:53

Do not turn into a bunny boiler. DO not reply to him. Stop yourself. Totally force yourself. Let him call you. Fucker didn't reply... then do not chase him for validation. If he wants you he will call you. Now you my dear, get onto the next thing. Get yourself busy, it's better to not go to bed on the first date or 2. My guy and I went out about 20 times and then discussed sex before, and then didn't have this after as we had discussed and we went out later. If its a one night stand dont discuss, but if its someone you like then give yourself some boundaries/framework.... DO NOT TEXT HIM BACK. Give him 72 hours. Thats 3 days...... And if he hasn't text back then you bloody block him. The cheek.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/06/2018 23:13

how did your evening go?