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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 11:47

Get rid. Stop wasting our time

Sorry but this really made me smile!

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 04/06/2018 11:50

Sorry! But good.

CharliesSister · 04/06/2018 12:00

If the guy likes you he would be harassing you.

This is bullshit.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 18:01

Not got rid. But have arranged a further date. I’ll uodate later in the week!

OP posts:
WelcomeToGilead · 04/06/2018 19:10

@charliesister HOW do you manage 144 hours a week? Seriously! And MNing? You be exhausted

OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 19:34

Look, ghosting this man is honestly wasting your time.

Does he ever call you to talk? Ever? If not then he's not worth your time. This is a lesson I've learned the hard way.

If you've had abusive relationships before and you have trouble setting boundaries then you need to get some help in doing this. Again, I speak from experience. Setting boundaries is getting rid of a man who isn't good enough for you and who isn't treating you well enough. Not 'calling him out'. He won't change.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 19:39

OutOfTyme thanks for your post. It’s really made me think. He does call occasionally, although he has told me he doesn’t like talking on the phone and now you have made me wonder if that’s just a convenient excuse.

OP posts:
WelcomeToGilead · 04/06/2018 19:44

Meh. This sounds like far too much handwringing and hard work OP.

Ditch him. You’re tolerating far too much, there are god guys out there, this ain’t one!

AlisonCHaynes · 04/06/2018 19:51

144 hours a week? That's over 20 hours a day.

Loads of people don't like talking on the phonr I think you are overthinking this.

OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 19:59

Ghosting - I'm glad it made you think. Because one day I looked back and realised calling, and wanting to hear your voice is so important. I'm autistic but I still have no problem taking on the phone to people I'm really into. It is not the only thing but I do think it gives a good indication of how much someone is prepared to be bothered about you.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 20:02

Right well I’m seeing him on Wednesday. I do really like him and I can recognise that my anxiety is really not helping so I will work on addressing that as well and see how things go.

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 20:03

Stop blaming your anxiety. It really isn't you - it's him.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 20:07

I’m not convinced that it is him though. I get that people need space, and sometimes I go quiet too (although I do try to tell people that I’m going to disappear for a bit). He barely knows me and probably has no idea that him not checking his phone at his usual regularity would send me off into a paranoid spin.

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 20:42

I just think that a man who is going to treat you well leaves you in no doubt at all about his passion for you 🤷🏻‍♀️

CharliesSister · 04/06/2018 22:03

The poor man texts her every day, the longest he's gone between messages is 12 hours, there's nothing wrong with that.

And 144 is 24 hrs a day, 6 days a week - I literally live at work but that's a whole other topic, (sorry for derailing, OP)

Ghosting you need to talk to him about what you want from. Him, this is not unreasonable however also recognise that going quiet for the odd half day is also not unreasonable

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 22:12

Ghosting you need to talk to him about what you want from. Him, this is not unreasonable however also recognise that going quiet for the odd half day is also not unreasonable

Yes, this a hundred times over.

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 22:39

I thought that you had already told him what you want from him, OP?

donajimena · 04/06/2018 22:45

You are showing him how little respect you have by tolerating this behaviour.
It really doesn't take long to send a text. Have a little read of the baggage reclaim site.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 22:46

I just think that a man who is going to treat you well leaves you in no doubt at all about his passion for you
I don't agree. Playing games and playing hard to get are not just things that women do

OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 22:48

Does he text to say goodnight usually? I think that's a good indication too.

donajimena · 04/06/2018 22:48

Read and learn Wink
I credit this website with my first healthy relationship.
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/recognising-healthy-interactions-and-relationships-theres-a-simple-way-to-do-it/

OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 22:50

I really hope that I'm wrong but I just don't think this will end well for the OP. I hope I'm wrong op.

BougieQueen · 04/06/2018 23:18

Bloody hell...at this stage please block and delete this loser of a guy. Just the way he treated you after you slept with him is a dead giveaway. Do you really want a man that does not show how much he is into you? You want someone that will just squeeze you in and respond to you intermittently? That will get tiresome pretty fast and he will not take you seriously when you start demanding boundaries. I'm really speaking from experience...if men know you won't take any BS they usually act right or disappear.

Don't be the doormat...I was also in a long abusive relationship with barely any boundaries and it took me a long time and a lot of heartache to learn this. Please keep dating other guys until you find your man. I did this and finally found my current husband who loves and adores me. He would never dream of ignoring my texts for 10 mins let alone 12 hours! Mate get out now! You deserve better. Life is too short for this crap...

OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 23:53

BQ is right. It's really weird for him to not even read your message until today. Most people look at their phones before bed.

Regardless of what he's doing or whether he's busy, if he cares about your feelings he would not want you to think he's not bothered. And he would be keen not to give that impression. He's ok with disappointing you.

Original poster
ghosting · 05/06/2018 07:32

Most people look at their phones before bed

Yes I agree with this. He said that he was sick of texts about work after a very long working week, but I agree with whoever said that if he actually gave a shit about me he would care that he was also ignoring my messages too.

OP posts: